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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Partner to hard on Daughter, i think?

70 replies

brokenmum · 28/06/2007 21:47

My Partner is very hard on my eldest daughter (age 11), he wont let her talk to boys, wont let her walk to school by herself, watches and waits for her to do something wrong so he can tell her off amongst many other things. i have spoken to him about this and he says that he cant trust anything she does because she has crossed the line with him a few times. i have tried explaining that she is a child and will try and push the boundary(normal i think), he disagrees.
I feel that i am stuck in the middle of this and dont think my views on what i think is acceptable for my daughter has been taken into account, if i disagree with his method of parenting or punsihment then he sulks adn we end up in row..........any advice, please help!

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fishie · 28/06/2007 21:57

do they generally get on well? i shoudl think she'll be doing a bit more than pushing a boundary soon if she isn't given any freedom.

divastrop · 28/06/2007 21:59

it does sound rather harsh.is he her father?if not,how long ahve you been with him?do you have any other children?

my mum was pretty strict,but i was allowed to walk to school by myself at 11.

how can he stop her talking to boys?

mummytosteven · 28/06/2007 22:01

it does sound overly strict. what sort of things has she done that he objects to?

fransmom · 28/06/2007 22:02

could he try to praise the good things more often, then maybe he would feel better? you both need to be able to compromise because a) you will end up being resentful of him not tkaing your views into account
b) your dd may feel that she can no longer do anything right and may think that she might as well be naughty anyway.

is your p her father? do they get on well otherwise?

fransmom · 28/06/2007 22:02

(((((((((((((bm)))))))))))))

brokenmum · 28/06/2007 22:07

Thanks. no he is not her father, i have one other child and he has one who stays with us every other weekend. he is quite strict with my younger daughter but not at all strict with his own. yes at times they get on very well but dd does not placate him like the other two do, she is very strong and determind and has been through a lot in her life. she no longer has a relationship with her father because he was mentally and physically abusive with me and had started to hit my younger daughter, he then abducted them 2 christmas's ago, have been going through courts etc for 2 years now. i think she really wants to have a father who is proud of her and enjoys being with her, she is not getting that from my partner at the moment and dont know how to encourage their relationship.

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brokenmum · 28/06/2007 22:10

hey dibastrop. he checks her mobile phone all the time, he had taken it away from her for 6 months because a boy text her. i have been with him for 4 and a bit years and have been living together for 2 years in August.

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brokenmum · 28/06/2007 22:11

Hey Fishie, that is what i am most worried about, if we stop with all the freedom she will rebel a lot more, and i dont want to lose her trust or our relationship but i feel that i am because of their relationship.

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mumto3girls · 28/06/2007 22:13

God, I'd put him right straight away. One rule for your daughter and another for his own..!! Forget that.

Tell it to him straight - you either make decsions about all the children TOGETHER or you will have to seriously rethinkg your relationship.
Your daughter sounds like she has quite enough to deal with already without having him making her life harder to bear.

mummytosteven · 28/06/2007 22:13

He sounds far too strict. Why does he not want her having contact with boys? Is he like that with his own daughters?

fransmom · 28/06/2007 22:14

ah sweetie x

with respect, it may be hard but you have to ask your self if you really want to be with a man who can treat your child differently to his own. before anyone jumps on me and says troll, i am not intending to hurt.

maybe you can ask him to go to relate with you, or family counselling and see what he says? this may give you more of a pointer to how you would then proceed ((((((()))))))

brokenmum · 28/06/2007 22:15

How do i say that to him without the rows starting. he is very protective of his daughter yet fails to understand why i would be protective of mine. i am fed up with the arguments but i dont want to feel that i cant say how i want my dd raised.

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fransmom · 28/06/2007 22:16

could you say that you want to help them asll get along? or wouldn't that work either?

brokenmum · 28/06/2007 22:17

hey fransmom, i will suggest the counselling and see if he will do it. i do love him and he loves me but communication about children is very hard.

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controlfreaky2 · 28/06/2007 22:18

this sounds v unfair on her indeed and will not work in the long run. you sound as though you dont agree with his views / actions either. your daughter has a right to think you will stick up for her interests and you dont seem to be doing that. this wont go away as she gets older unless you try to sort this out. are you scared of how he will react if you disagree?

mummytosteven · 28/06/2007 22:18

could the abduction be a factor in his wanting to restrict your DD?

would he be willing to go to parenting classes with you? especially if you put it that it would be for both of you, rather than because you think he's in the wrong

RachelG · 28/06/2007 22:20

I'm a single mother so clearly a failure when it come to relatioships, but.....it strikes me as odd that he can't take criticism of his parenting without having a sulk. It sounds like he's being unreasonable to me. After all, she's your daughter. And even if she was his daughter too, you should have an equal say in how she is brought up.

No helpful suggestions I'm afraid, but I really think you need to stand your ground and maybe just live with his sulking for the sake of your daughter. Maybe he'll get bored of sulking and start to consider your views as valid.

brokenmum · 28/06/2007 22:20

No i dont think the abduction has anything to do with it, we have moved since and my ex h does not know where we live. i think that he just doesnt understand her. i dont think he would go to parenting classes.

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fransmom · 28/06/2007 22:21

i can imagine. if things ever come to that with me and dp and i ended up with someone else, i would be torn as well. but my dd's welfare would come first. i would have tried everything i could and then made the decision to leave p. i'm not sayting that;'s what you should do at all, but i do think that if you can all go to family counselling, then that may be a positive step forwards.

divastrop · 28/06/2007 22:22

it doesnt sound right to me,that he doesnt want her to have any contact with boys.

when you talk to him about it,do you try and explain that you can see things from her POV as you are female,and know that she will rebel if he carries on like this?

i am also concerned that you seem afraid to talk to him in case it ends up in a row.i could understand this if you had only been with him a short time and were still getting over the abuse from your ex,but if you cant talk to him after being together for 4 years..well,i dont know.

brokenmum · 28/06/2007 22:24

That is what i have started to do, my daughters are and will always be more important to me than anything else. I just want us all to get along and be able to communicate properly with each other about things, maybe if i knew why he was so strict with her i could understand a bit more, but i dont.
Dont get me wrong my dd is not an angel and can be stubborn and difficult at time, but she is also very loving and caring and good natured, and surely all children mess behave, dont they?

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ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 28/06/2007 22:26

Sorry but he sounds like he is a bit of a maniac tbh. Or at the very least, a bully. Inevitably, he will precipitate the most god-awful friction in your relationship (and his) with your DD if he doesn't get some insight into why he is behaving like this with her and recognition that he needs to change.

He is being totally unreasonable. At 11, she is still enough of a child for them both to adapt and change their ways with each other. If he doesn't, then her teenage years are going to be a misery for her and for you, and that could have a long lasting impact on your relatinship with her into adulthood.

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ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 28/06/2007 22:27

Yes all children misbehave.

And it's up to us as adults to recognise that and to be the adults and not expect them to be. And part of that is seeking help when we need to. If he's too proud or arrogant to that, he's not putting her needs and the needs of the wider family first. Which is what a good parent does, for the most part.

snowleopard · 28/06/2007 22:34

Brokenmum, I haven't been in your situation and it must be hard, but you talk as if you're not in control here. How dare he discipline your daughter in ways that are not OK with you, that he hasn't checked with you, that you're not happy about? That is just not on. In your shoes I would be saying "stop right there, these are my children, I decide what they can and can't do, you only have a part in that if we work together, otherwise butt out!" I would also, to be honest, not want to stay with him. I think you really need to put your own children first - not just in your head, but in your actions. For example if he takes her phone away, step in. He has no right and he has to give it back - what the hell makes him think that's his decision to make?

I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh but I'm thinking of how this must feel for your DD.

soapbox · 28/06/2007 22:35

He sounds a complete control freak. Is he really the kind of person you want in your DD's lives - indeed is he the sort of person you want in your own life.

I can';t undestand why you let him have any kind of control over your children - why don't you tell him to butt out and you will decide what is appropriate for your children and he can do the same for his?

You sound very keen to keep him sweet despite how he behaves to your children. I don;t understand it at all?

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