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My partner won't let me see my family this Christmas(223 Posts)
So, my parents have invited myself, my OH, and my LO (6 months old) over on Christmas day this year, (they only live 20 mins away). I would love this. I ADORE spending time with them, plus the idea of not cooking for a day is just bliss to me! My partner however, has said no because he can't stand being around my parents for more than 2 hours. I said that we could drive back early, or only spend a few hours there, but he's declined. He's said that my LO and I can go, and he'll stay at home alone, but obviously that's not an option.
I accepted this at first, thinking that maybe he just wanted a quiet Christmas with the three of us, the first ever! I could get on board with that. But that doesn't appear to be the case.
I looked at our calender this morning, and he's just filled the festive period with trips out with his side of the family for us. Like seriously, we're at his sister's on 20th, his brothers on 21st, his dad's on 22nd, 23rd and 24th, his mum's on the 26th and 27th, and NYE. He's not even asked me. It's just been assumed that I'll drive us around the county all Christmas, (he doesn't drive).
What REALLY hurt though was that he decided yesterday that we'd be having Christmas with his mum and her OH. They're coming to ours apparently, so I guess I'll be in the kitchen all day.
I don't begrudge his family any time with my DS. I really like them and we all have such a good relationship. Plus, it's so so wonderful that my LO has so many family members around and I'm truly grateful for that! It's more than a lot of people have.
I just don't want my side of the family to be left with the dregs... They do so much for us, and they treat my OH like a son. I feel like I never see them anymore, and it's really getting me down.
In general we see his family every weekend. On the flip side though since having my LO, I can think of one Saturday where we've spent the afternoon with my parents, and my OH sulked for the whole time, and barely said two words to them. If I'm lucky I can snatch a couple of hours every other week or so where I see them alone with my DS if my OH is working. That's it though.
Talking to my partner about this will lead to arguments and I don't want a bad atmosphere around my son. What can I do?
You can go along with it and hardly ever see your family, all for the sake of avoiding atmosphere around a baby who won't know or care.... or you can push back. He's being very unfair and isolating you from your family. Is he always like that?
Can you dump him but keep his family since they are ok?
He has suggested you and your child can go to your family without him so do that. Can you stay over? Let him host his family, you can't be in the kitchen on Christmas day with a six month old anyway there are rules against that. Go to your family and relax.
He doesn't sound very nice to be honest has he always been like this and how long have you been with him?
He's not controlling in any way other than this. He just really doesn't like my family. I'm not sure why. There's never been an altercation or an incident.
If his Mum’s over on Christmas Day then he won’t be on his own, so I’d say ‘Oh in that case you can spend the morning sorting lunch while I pop round to my folks without you - perfect!’
I would just take lo over to your family, leave him to cook for his!
Why is he isolating you from your family? Does he do this with your friends too? He sounds at best mean spirited, and at worst controlling and manipulative.
I considered leaving him to cook for his family, but I think they'd self combust if they came over and my LO wasn't here. I know he'd explain it in a way that made me look evil too. He's good at playing the victim in situations like that, and his family would lap it up.
I don't want to cause conflict with them. :/
Perfect. Leave him to cook for his folks on Xmas Day and you go to yours with dc.
You won't though, will you ? Because he will punish you if you do that.
It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship
He's a charmer isn't he! This will only get worse, don't let him isolate you from your family, go to your parents and leave him home with his family. Don't let him get away with doing this
He sounds abusive OP please consider leaving him. He’s trying to isolate you from your family.
I know he’d explain it in a way that made me look evil too
Please go to your parents, really please. And if you can, don’t return home. There’s something really wrong with him. He’s got his parents there, he really will be okay and you don’t have to have any conflict with them as you won’t be there! You need to not bend to literally every whim your partner is demanding. It’s incredibly unhealthy and selfish on his part.
Do you have many friends that you see regularly?
He sounds really abusive the more you say about him.
My dh and I really don’t like each other’s families, there is a long backstory to this. I see my mum on Sunday without him - I take the kids over on my own - and Christmas we don’t see either set and just do our own thing. If he wants to see his family he goes on his own etc. We don’t really have either set over to ours and if we did I think the other one would make excuses to go out when they were here. But we both accept that and neither of us sulk about it, it’s normal for us.
Your dp needs to either accept that you both do your own thing or basically grow up.
That doesn't sound okay... he shouldn't manipulate stories to make you look bad! Have you mentioned to him how he's made these arrangements without talking to you?
I would message his mother and say there has been miscommunication between you and your partner - that you are actually spending the Christmas day at your parents. And that it had already been booked in before your partner invited her over.
He is being unfair, and honestly if you don’t make a stand he’s going to keep being unfair by the sounds of it. How can he think that it’s fair that you spend all those days with his family and not even 2 hours with your own parents.
I would also make it very clear to him that if he dare paints you in a bad light to his family you will not be driving or visiting them until he sets the record straight. Be assertive with him.
What would he say if you pointed out how unfair it was ? Refused to drive him around ?
Also I bet he’s more that fine to have you around his own family because he’s got them completely on his side and I bet you’d never dream of saying anything negative about him or the situation for fear of avoid conflict with “them” (him).
I really, truly hope you can listen to outside perspectives of your partner and come to realise that this is not good for you in any way. And please remember, women who are abused and who are victims of DV are rarely victims when dating. In fact their partners seem lovely. But then they get married. Or have babies. And once they are trapped, things start to escalate. Guess what it often starts with? Isolating you from your friends and family - cutting off your support network.
Separating you from your family and immersing you in his family without discussion is wrong. I hope it's just a bit thoughtless rather than controlling, but you used the phrase "My partner won't let me" as the thread title and talked about him sulking when you are with your parents which ring alarm bells. Xmas day is not his choice: it is your mutual decision. Reassert your place in this relationship, please.
He is abusive, you might not see it yet but he is.
Please go to your mum at Christmas.
Ask him how he’d like it if you treated his family like how he’s treating yours? Then go and see your family on Christmas Day without him.
I happily go and see my family without dh there on special occasions if he can’t make it.
He’s great but the dynamics are different and I prefer it to be honest.
'He's not controlling in any way other than this.'
This incident itself is extremely controlling
No way would I play taxi to his tune all over Christmas.
Just let him know you have things to put on calendar too
He’s a selfish twat.
He's good at playing the victim in situations like that, and his family would lap it up.
On that basis I would be telling him it’s over. This is not a fair and loving relationship. It’s very one sided.
Hope you find the strength OP to see him for what he is.
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