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behaviour at home(7 Posts)
We have 2 children of 10 and 12 and both are perfect at school. They work really hard and are so polite and show respect to adults. The same goes for anything out of the house, cubs, scouts, church, gymnastics, swimming lessons.
However at home they have attitude and don't always show respect, My 10 yr old is autistic and in a school/ activity environment because it is structured he is never a problem but although I try to run the house to a routine and structure as much as I can the routine sometimes goes wrong or things are different. His latest obsession is correct grammar he is a stickler for correct terminology and pronounciation. I know he likes this to be perfect so I try my best to talk correctly but my husband refuses point blank to be dictated too by a child about how he should speak. The kids are stroppy, attitudey and shouty in the house - not all the time but some of the time. Unfortunately they have no respect for their dad as he has no respect for them as he only ever sees the shouty stroppy side as he only ever nags them for their dis respect. Apparently my lax parenting has made them "little ***". Also we get the odd swear word creeping in now and then. I am strict to a certain degree they have a set bedtime, they are not allowed to eat sweets all day and at the weekends I am always busy doing things with them. My DH reacts to every little thing they say or do he says they need to be pulled up for every thing, every time they shout, every time they get cross because something has gone wrong. I disagree and I think if you ignore the little things you have more clout when there are serious behaviour issues. He thinks If they respect adults at school they need to respect them at home. I think they are so good when out and at school at home they feel safe to let out their frustrations when at home. Also being siblings they argue and fight alot. He thinks I am to quick to forgive and that they do something wrong and half an hour later they have said sorry and we have moved on. He will hold a grudge over something for days. He is also very house proud and thinks they don't respect his house - we do get the odd door slam and the odd time when my son decides to leave his coat on the floor and this is a major crime.
Please reassure me this is normal. I think this is something that goes on in several houses across the world. But apparently I have rose tinted glasses and their behaviour needs to be seriously addressed. It doesn't help that his best mates 3 kids are perfect and his mates words 'if they ever disrespected me, there would be hell to pay and they knew it so they never did it". My DH thinks the children should be scared of us!!
I certainly agree with your husband in that he shouldn’t allow his children dictate and correct him. Your children clearly know how to exercise good behaviour when they’re well behaved in school so are being consciously naughty at home so that would need to be addressed in my opinion
It is very very common for children to hold it all together behaviour wise at school and then let it out at home. Especially with autism. And it also sounds like your DH has unrealistic expectations.
Obviously you shouldn’t let them get away with murder but expecting perfection is silly, even if they are perfect at school.
Respect works two ways. If someone was constantly pulled me up, called me a little shit and thought I should be scared of him then I would have little respect for him.
DH & I just had a similar conversation this evening regarding DD. She's just started reception, she's been assessed & told she isn't autistic but there's definitely something there. She tries so hard at school & does really well but at home she's very set in her ways & has her quirks. We decided that we'd much prefer her to be good at school & we get the attitude at home than the other way round.
You sound like you're doing well. I do agree I wouldn't speak how he dictates you do though - he can't do that to everyone he meets.
Talk to your dh and explain that you need to be a team in this. Maybe compromise on some aspects of parenting but also explain to him how your ways are working.
Also; tell him kids are not bloody perfect and will misbehave - does he want robots who do whatever anyone tells them, and end up complete doormats?
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