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MOTHER DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP CRISIS :(

(15 Posts)
innerpeace Tue 19-Jun-07 21:11:39

I am 27 yrs old my mum kicked me out when I was 16, we have had mega disfunctional relationship ever since and I have struggled to accept my mums actions ever since and I have never forgiven her. I have suffered with overwhelming feelings of rejection along with jelously of my sister having a good relationship with her. My 'mums' complete refusal to discuss it despite me feeling it has ruined the past 10 years of my life doesn't help. Basically we are opposites, I am very family orientated and probably idealistic in that way and my 'mum' is not maternal in any way. I recently found out that she was sexually abused by her father (my grandfather who died 25yrs ago) Obviously this is a factor, and she has never sought councelling and she does suffer from depression. Its a difficult situation to explain because yes I do empathise with my mother and it upsets me (as much as I can as she will not discuss anything) but then I find it difficult because of how she has treated me and how it has affected my life. ANYWAY! I have just got back from a week in cyprus alone with my 'mother'for the first time in a very long time. It was an effort on her part to spend time together. It was meant to be 2 weeks. its actually been 5 days she got me a flight home this morning. It was a disaster. We don't get along, i find her cold, 'un-maternal' and 'hypersensistive'. She finds me 'deep' and 'confrontational'. She is Gemini and im Scorpio...maybe its a factor i don't know. But what I do know is it wasn't a wasted trip- after 10 years of wanting her to like me and accept me, I have done a 360 and decided I don't actually like her as a person (personality traits) and I dont want to be like her and I am happy I am different. We parted on such bad terms this morning I have been feeling like I never want to speak to her again. This is simplified version, but if anyone has been through similiar or has advice then pls send a msg or watever.

NotQuiteCockney Tue 19-Jun-07 21:19:05

I believe there's a thread in Relationships with a title like 'My Mother Has Cut Me Out of Her Life' with people who've been in similar situations to yours. I think you will find support there ...

SenoraPostrophe Tue 19-Jun-07 21:24:25

I haven't been through similar, but wanted to say:

1. forget star signs. they are gobbledigook anyway. it sounds like you both had unrealistic expectations of each other.

2. but you've realised that. that's a step of sorts.

I hope you manage to work things out (either in your own head or actually with her).

Meansleeves Tue 19-Jun-07 21:28:48

NQC is right innerpeace, that thread would probably help.

I understand how you feel. It's so hard and painful when you realise your feelings have finally distilled into a total inability to stomach the same old crap any more.

On the positive side, you will eventually be able to shed the disappointments/self-criticism/underlying unhappiness and live a life which is really yours and which doesn't involve trying to screw affection and support out of someone who isn't capable of giving it. You'll learn to give it to yourself, instead.

Keep posting here, there are lots and lots of bright and interesting women who have been through hell with mothers who are perhaps a bit similar to yours.

And have a ((((((hug))))) (don't do those very often).

tearinghairout Tue 19-Jun-07 21:36:02

I just wanted to add that it's not an excuse, but the abuse thing must have screwed her up big time, to be so let down by the person you trust the most. What was her relationship like with HER mother? Could that have a bearing? Did she blame her own mother for not stopping it?

I had something happen to me & I've only just learned to deal with it, nearly 30 years later. For a long, long time I hated my mum because I blamed her (wrongly). I eventually told all to my DH and he made me see it wasn't my fault (lots of misplaced guilt) and that in blaming her I was blaming the wrong person.

Anyway, just to say that she hasn't dealt with the abuse and needs to. You probably don't realise how much it dominates her life, so that everything suffers, even you. I bet she thinks about it every day. She needs help. Rape crisis line, to start off? Perhaps when she's dealt with it, she'll be a happier person & more able to relate to you. Best of luck, innerpeace.

innerpeace Tue 19-Jun-07 21:52:10

tearinghearout: thankyou. Yes you are so right, I know it has affected her, and yes she has once said to me "what sort of example do you think I have had? who taught me how to be a good mother?" Yes, my mum had a bad relationship with her mother and she does blame her for not stopping it. She only mentioned it to me in an outburst and I don't think she meant to tell me, I only found out last month. In a twist of events she now has a burden of taking care of her mother who has huntingtons, a mental illness. This also affects her. Yes she has been through alot, but why pass this pain on, and repeat the cycle? She will not seek help, she feels its too late now, and she won't talk about things, its likely its too painful... I understand that & don't blame her. I am also old enough now to appreciate that she had her wild days and she had me young and she made mistakes, all the men, 3 marriages, we moved house at least 10 times etc. She has my step dad now though, he does look after her and he provides a rock and stability. In some ways she is more of a child than me...they have been married 12 years and he is good for her. I guess I just have to accept, my mother was abused and it has made her the way she is, I have to accept that. Its just been growing up without love thats now affected me.

innerpeace Tue 19-Jun-07 22:03:00

I started off angry today and that after fall outs with my mum that I may even cut her out of my life....that was this morning. Then I felt positive like a weight had been lifted, that now I had made the decision not to have her in my life the feelings of rejection would end because "i don't care anymore" then on the plane home I felt gutted and tearful that this holiday & time together did not work out (after 10 years of wanting time alone with her). Now after talking it out on here, the anger has subsided and I now feel sorry for her again, for what she has been through. There are 2 issues here though - the fact that she has been abused and does not show affection or any maternal instincts, but secondly that we just clash as individuals, she sees my differences as bad things, and labels me "nasty", "deep", "confrontational" so wenever we speak we fall out. My sister is a mirror image of my mum personlity wise so they get on famously (but I also clash with my sister sometimes) arrrrrgh. confusing.

tearinghairout Tue 19-Jun-07 22:12:35

Your last sentence is so sad. And yet, it sounds as though you understand why she behaved the way she did. You said you don't like her personality & don't want to be like her, which is a big step on, being able to look at it 'from a distance', so you can put her and her behaviour behind you. (Don't know of that makes sense!) She sounds immature. Some people never seem to grow up, & stay self-centred, like kids are. She is, but you have grown up.

The big thing with abuse is the guilt - that you didn't stop it, that maybe you even encouraged it, & are somehow to blame. This guilt thing really blighted my life, made me subconsciously feel I didn't deserve to be happy etc, affected my relationships, I was even thinking about what happened when I gave birth! It was after that that I realised I had to do something about it. She does need to deal with it, talk to therapist, friend, DH or whoever, talk about it all out in the open, she'll be a different person.

Dch need me - I will come back to this.

tearinghairout Tue 19-Jun-07 22:14:32

Crossed posts - I meant the bit about growing up without love.

innerpeace Tue 19-Jun-07 22:38:47

If I bring up her seeking help, that summerises everything she dislikes about me and probably what she can't deal with she will say " your too deep" "stop being wet" "why do we have to analyse everything" "do you know what I can't be bothered with this" " your doing my head in" "nobody else is like this only you, I dont have this with anyone else" yes that me deep, pathetic a "drama queen" "betty davis" was a popular nickname she used. You see, I never mentioned why she kicked me out! ha! out of control teen? - no, drink - no, drugs - no. It was because "we didnt get on" ANYWAY...

innerpeace Tue 19-Jun-07 22:59:51

found it and have been reading for hours, thankyou v much!

Sakura Wed 20-Jun-07 01:01:22

Hi, glad you found the thread. I found the thread tremendously helpful around the time I fell into the "abyss" when I decided I had to do something. It was desperation that led me to finally stand up to my mother and the fact I was tired to the core of the situation.
The reason your mum and sister get along is because your sister doesn`t rock the boat. Your mother is who she is- she doesn`t suddenly become loving and maternal with your sister. Its just that your sister is doing anything to gain your mum`s approval, even if it means submerging her own true self for your mother.
You`re not doing this, though. You`re asking questions and (quite rightly) want acceptance and love from her. Some women (like my mother) have children because they want to be loved and mothered by their children. When the love-needy child is not up to the task, they take it as a rejection of them. They quite forget that they are the mother and they are the ones who are supposed to offer love and support. Thats what the verb "mothering" means. "Daughtering" isn`T a verb, because daughters have to give all their nurturing to their children, not their own mother.

When I had my daughter, I realised that if I kept wanting my mum to love me properly and kept running rings around her to "make" her love me, then someone (my daughter) was going to miss out. I couldn`T let that happen, so I decided that my mum had had a good chance of getting to know me, and love me, but had rejected me again and again, and it was time to move on.

One very very hard thing for everyone on that thread to accept is that their mother (and yours too) will NEVER change. Never ever. She`ll never turn round and suddenly become a loving, giving mother.
It is possible for you to change yourself though, with lots of hard work. Its difficult, but when you come out the other end, your life feels better than it was.

innerpeace Wed 20-Jun-07 20:00:04

Thankyou so much for your sensible and straight forward advice, the first part hit me - you are so right - my sister doesn't rock the boat - that is a crucial factor! and she does and says the "right" things to please her, and its so obvious that is why she gets on with her better! I think I have just this last couple of days realised that she will never be the mother I want & need her to be, but yes accepting it is a whole other ball game! My feelings are so irratic over it all, one minute I want to flee the country and change my phone number and never speak to her again (& for some reason I include my sister in those thoughts which I know sounds cruel) the next minute im thinking, no why should I, and how Im not going let it bother me because "i'm over it" the next im needy again, wanting my idealistic thoughts of mother daughter relationship to be a reality so much it hurts. What did I do in another life to get a mother who doesn't want to be my mother? I'm 27 I should grow up and get over it....thats what she would say to me "get over it" "change the bloody record". The best thing I can do is look forward to being the mother i've always wanted when I have children, I will show love, I will make them feel important, that someone in this world loves them and supports the choices they make. Wow, being a parent is such a huge role- you are setting your child up, you are giving them their start in life. I want my children to have an emotionally healthy life, I don't want my issues with my mother to be around then...

tearinghairout Wed 20-Jun-07 21:28:41

Hi IP - have only just been able to wrestle DH away from the computer. How are you?

tearinghairout Wed 20-Jun-07 21:40:11

Sounds like you've got some good advice. But you've got yopur head screwed on, you're a lovely, sensible person and you are what you are despite your mum.

Maybe she does love you but is incapable of articulating it or showing it? (My DH's parents are cold and distant, they show no interest at all in us or our dch except to criticise, so I was surprised to be told by his sisters that he's the favourite & the parents think the sun shines out of his rear end.) Perhaps criticising you makes her feel better about herself in some perverted way. Maybe she's fallen into a rut of punishing herself? I'm throwing things here in the hope that one will stick!

One more thing - sometimes there's a personality clash & you just don't get on with one kid as well as with another. I disagree with Sen re. star signs, they can be a good indicator of personality. (Supposedly a study showed that three star signs dominate among prisoners, tendency to act before thinking/go with the crowd or some such trait?)

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