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Craving Some Space - got a taste of it today!

(8 Posts)
Lavenderdays Thu 09-Aug-18 18:24:38

I love my dc to bits and try to give them quality time when I am with them. I am a sahm to my 3 dc. Today, the eldest dc were out doing activities and I was left with baby (very rare occurrence). It felt like bliss...the relative peace and quiet was wonderful! I should add that I have no family support other than dh who works full-time - so no grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. and no friends with children the same age as my youngest two (under 5) I think that as I am currently spending a lot of time with my dc, that I am struggling to find gaps to re-charge, middle dc in particular is full on, high energy. Feel guilty for looking forward to school starting so that I can get some respite when baby sleeps - probably exasperated by the fact that I am waking in the night with baby. Anyone else feel this way or is it just me that craves a bit of headspace?

Racecardriver Thu 09-Aug-18 18:28:05

I have two under five. I feel like I am hoi g mad having them both at home full time. When they finally go to bed my DH is almost definitely back home. I don't think I've been alone for longer than 15 minutes for two months now. It's horrible. Can't wait for school to start.

Lavenderdays Thu 09-Aug-18 18:36:37

Should add, I have had some lovely moments with dc just feels so intense because it is pretty much 24/7. DH has taken some time off but it invariably involves all of us going out together (family time). It was lovely today to sit with the baby and watch what I wanted to etc. I also managed to squeeze in a bit of time to spend on a hobby (whilst baby slept) and did hardly any housework because I wanted to grab this rare time for myself!

bubble96 Thu 09-Aug-18 22:25:13

great article here

Lavenderdays Thu 09-Aug-18 22:53:09

Interesting article bubble 96. I take time out by writing (easier with my baby than pre-schooler because baby naps unless I plug pre-schooler in and I am trying to minimise screen usage which I relied heavily upon during my difficult pregnancy.) The other thing I do is walk mostly with baby in pram (I used to love walks alone). I am trying to give pre-schooler some dedicated time each day, concentrating solely on her because I think she is feeling the effects of having a baby sister (less attention.) Then when pre-schooler is at holiday club (one day a week), I am attempting to give my older dd some individual time, so she doesn't feel forgotten about...basically it feels like one huge juggling act and I end up feeling drained and wanting to sit on my own somewhere...then I feel guilty for not being 'enough' because I want to withdraw from the children whilst watching some other families with one older child have what seems like bloody brilliant holidays = more guilt. I then feel more guilt for complaining because I chose to have 3 children especially after experiencing a late loss and infertility so I know how lucky I am to have them in the first place. It just feels a stretch having 3, it will probably get easier over time.

bubble96 Sat 11-Aug-18 21:44:42

im so sorry, ive just seen your reply. I want to just send you a hug. it is so very tough. I just want you to know from a mum of one, that you do not have to feel like you cant complain because you chose to have 3, though I know I tell myself the same for reverse reasons, that I must not complain because I only have one. fact is its all hard, you can say this, you don't have to feel guilt. its normal to want to withdraw, we all still want to be our own person, and being a parent especially when they are still small takes virtually every piece of you, and we give it willingly through love, but were only human, at times we want it back, we want to be away, alone, silence, freedom, not because we don't love them, just because we miss ourselves. I shed a tear reading your last sentence, I wish I didn't understand but I do, I had 5 miscarriages. whilst earlier they were all devastating, and one was late enough for me to see my baby, and every piece of me was broken. children after loss seem so much more fragile, they do feel like the miracles they are, but that can leave us with this higher expectation of ourselves. I know the feeling of how could I wish to be away when I went through so much to have her, when ive lost so many, when I know what that feels like. but we are human, and I think I felt more guilt than I needed to because of the grief, I know I still do now, though its got easier to recognise when im being unfair to myself with the guilt. did you get much support when you lost your baby? i still see a counsellor now 3 years on since my most traumatic loss, it does help me understand how it impacts me parenting, which tbh is mostly for the good, you know, i value my daughter being here even more than if i hadn't experienced loss, but it flips too, it makes it harder to be me and not feel guilt for wanting to. x

5000KallaxHoles Sun 12-Aug-18 16:35:32

I've just had a week with DH and the kids away (at the in-laws) and the space was lovely, and I really really needed it as my reserves were running on empty... but bloody hell it's been a wrench (waiting for them to get home now).

Lavenderdays Sun 12-Aug-18 20:26:23

bubble...So sorry you have had such a difficult time - 5 miscarriages, that is so tough going and you were very brave to keep going. My son was 20 weeks gestation when I lost him so had to go through the birthing process plus funeral - that was 3 years ago and yes, I felt that my whole being had fallen into a million different pieces. Yes, like you, I value my children being here all the time - dc2 and 3 I was told I was unlikely to have and my loss impacted me massively and changed me as a person and it does make it harder to say actually, I need a bit of 'me' time. BUT the positives are that I became more creative, did a lot of soul searching and worked out what was important in my life (including my children). I also eradicated a lot of negative people from my life too. I had a year's counselling through cruse (I was fortunate to find a counsellor willing to take me on at minimal charge for this length of time). I would jump at the chance of counselling now but can't justify in my own mind the quite often use mumsnet as an outlet. I am so pleased for you that you have your daughter with you now x
5000 - I'm not sure what I would do with myself for a whole week - I think I would spend most of it thinking of them. I had to spend a couple of nights in hospital away from them and that felt like a massive wrench too. The school day is perfect in my opinion, I feel more geared up for the weekends then too.

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