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Help please x

(12 Posts)
SunshinE201 Wed 18-Jul-18 12:35:42

Hello Everyone,

Please can I have some advice please. This might turn into a bit of an essay so i'm really sorry in advance. This is my first post so i'm still working out how to use it...

I have just found out I am pregnant. I am 22, still a student at university and have only been with my boyfriend 3/4 months...

I guess the main bit of advice im looking for is whether or not you think I would be able to afford the baby or think that it is a good idea or not to have the baby. I have always wanted to be a mum but I am very consious I hardly know him and even though single mums do an amazing job i'm not sure i'm ready to be one.

My finances-

Car- £400
Rent- £500 (will have to go up if I have the baby an average 2 bed is £800+ in my area)
Food and other bills and going out- £200
part time job income- £1200/£1500 a month
((I do have an appointment with citizens advice but that isn't until Aug))

I guess my main concerns with him is that he has very little trust. He accused me of cheating last week and continually says the baby isn't his. Which is horrible to hear. He has been messed and cheated on in the past and so is a bit of a nightmare to live with. We tried for two weeks and I kicked him out after a week. He has been coming across very very needy to the point where I have received fb messages from his mum telling me to give him a hug or that we should have sex. In all honesty that is the last thing I want when I have just been sick or achey. We have both had very different childhoods... I went to boarding school and went on holidays and didn't ever want for anything he was the complete opposite. He was bought up very differently. His mum struggled for money and they often went without food. He is quite happy to do this again but I am not really. Im probably coming across really badly, I honestly don't mean to! Ive just always dreamed of buying little bits for a nursery, a new pram and car seat. not everything second hand which is what he is suggesting. To me it seems I am the only one thinking about money and he just wants a baby for the sake of it.

He also disclosed that he is still married to his ex... He's 23... He has only just said and doesn't want to get a divorce because of the money. Alarm bells are seriously ringing. He is also from another country... He came to the UK travelling and only has 1.5 years left because he is on a work visa. Im worried that if I have this child he will take it back home on holiday and never return. I would be devastated. Im not sure if he would be allowed too?

I guess Im asking what would you do? I have told my family and they have said they will back me 100% in whatever I chose but they're not sure he is the guy for me. He does pay for things and to be fair he did clean up the kitchen after I asked him too but i'm not sure I even want to be with him. We have been on two holidays and they where lovely its since we have gotten back.. I want to finish uni, that way ill be on a much better income and ill be able to give the kid whatever they would like and I would like some sort of career. (27/28k+) But he thinks I can still do full time uni, placement 9-5 and then work every evening. Not entirely sure when he thinks ill be seeing my kid.

If I have this child I will love it with all my heart but at the moment i'm panicking.

Please help xx

anotherangel2 Wed 18-Jul-18 12:39:48

From what you say about him if you have this baby then you will be doing it on your own.

Do you want a baby on your own? How do you feel about potentially terminating. With a young hold it is unlikely you will be going out, you will need to think about childcare.

How many years do you have left at uni?

olderthanyouthink Wed 18-Jul-18 13:02:01

Hi op,

I don't think I have that much helpful advice but I'm the same age and am 22 week pregnant by my boyfriend of 26 weeks 🤦‍♀️.

Our situations are a bit different though, he is much more supportive and nicer than your bf sounds and we both work full time and have careers.

I couldn't really consider abortion, I have nothing against it just not for me, but it did cross my mind that I could end up doing this alone. I think I could manage between my salary (25k) and benefits.

Have a look at what you'd be entitled to and what support your uni has for parents. It will be hard starting a career with a young child,

I would, in your position, strongly consider not putting him on the birth certificate (Give the baby your surname for sure), he couldn't get the baby the passport without being on it -if you get the baby one keep it safe away from him. I've heard people having problems taking their kids out of the country without having the other parents permission even when the parents are on good terms, so hopefully he would have a way to do it. Where is he from?

You're right to listen to the alarm bells, and I know this can't be easy to deal with when you feel so shit in the early stages

SunshinE201 Wed 18-Jul-18 14:12:11

@anotherangel2 thank you so much for your reply! Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you.

I always dreamed of having the perfect little family I suppose and someone to help look after the baby with me. I have thought about it if I'm honest. I just don't trust him at all. I never thought I'd ever be in this position. I was on the pill to try and prevent this from happening sad I have 1 more year but if I go through with the pregnancy Uni have said to split it over two years so do my modules and dissertation next year then the 100 days placement the year after.

SunshinE201 Wed 18-Jul-18 14:19:44

@olderthanyouthink congratulations! How are you feeling? Thank you for replying!

We're in very similar situations! How where you when you found out? I work part time but I'm barely getting by now, I'm really struggling with money! He's working but is on a (without being rude) rubbish salary. So he wouldn't be in a position to pay more towards rent or anything...

Your not the only one, I never thought i could go through with an abortion but now I'm not sure because I just know he will be a nightmare. He wants to keep the kid but hasn't really said why. Thank you for your advice, I have an appointment on the 2nd of August with citizens advice about benefits and what I could have but the problem is because I'm a student it makes it a lot more complicated.

I didn't realise that I didn't have to put him on the birth certificate.. can I get away with not doing that? He's from Australia... So he's from quite a way away and all his family are out there. He said in passing that his mum was happy to look after the kid whilst he was at work out there which made more alarm bells ring because I've already said I'm not moving out there..

Morning sickness is defo not the one!! Feel so awful at the moment!! xx

sheepsheep Wed 18-Jul-18 14:46:46

Whatever you decide re the baby, I think you are probably better out of this relationship with him. So the question is do you want to be a single parent?

Keeping his name off the birth certificate is an option, however, he could take you to court, a DNA test would be done and once it confirmed he is the father the court can rule to have his name put on/grant him parental responsibility. With him being from Australia, I would assume there would also have to be a court decision on custody should he choose to go down that road. Even if a judge were to issue an order outlining access, I still wouldn't be relying on it, because if he takes the child to Australia, it isn't going to be that easy to get it back if he decides to keep it there.

Balancing it all up, with my life experience now, if it was me I would have an abortion, but at your age I wouldn't have (and didn't, but different circumstances in my case) so I can see just how hard a decision this is for you. If it was just a case of the baby and uni I probably would say that keeping it would turn out OK in the end, but him being from so far away and not sounding like a very nice person is what makes me worry.

As well as talking to CAB, could you also seek some counselling through your uni or something, just so you can talk it all through with someone.

grace7 Wed 18-Jul-18 20:45:11

Hey - my situation is a little different from yours but I'm seventeen and had ds in May. I'll be taking the next year as a stay at home mum, and plan to return to education when he's old enough to start at our local nursery. I'm still with the dad, he has a full time job and we manage to afford to rent a 2 bedroom house together. Finances have been hard, but I love being a mother and wouldn't have changed it for the world. Dp and I's relationship has been difficult at times but we've managed and are v happy together now. I hope whatever you decide works out for you!thanks

grace7 Wed 18-Jul-18 20:45:58

Forgot to mention that my boyfriend and I had only been together 5/6 months when I became pregnant.

LadyMonicaBaddingham Wed 18-Jul-18 21:01:25

Get yourself down to the students' Union and ask for advice. They WILL have support and advice in place for student parents.

SunshinE201 Wed 18-Jul-18 21:28:24

@sheepsheep if I'm honest that is exactly what I'm thinking. I'm not happy at all and everyone has been saying what I have been thinking really.

I didn't realise I could even do that... thank you! I'm tempted to go to see a family law firm and just chat it through with someone and see what rights he would have... I'm hoping if It did come to that the court would favour me as I have such a good support network and the baby has been bought up here. It's just such a tough decision to make.

I'm hoping to speak to someone from uni later this week to work out the logistics and work everything out. Thank you so much for your reply xx

SunshinE201 Wed 18-Jul-18 21:31:01

@grace7 congratulations on your little one! I have always wanted to become a mum I really have but I'm just worried about what will happen in the future. Thank you for your comment though! Defo given me some hope and something to think about, it's so hard trying to figure out what would be best for me and the baby! xx

SunshinE201 Wed 18-Jul-18 21:34:11

@LadyMonicaBaddingham thank you for your advice! I have sent them an email so hopefully will be able to talk to them later this week and figure everything out. xx

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