DH is 50. How old is too old?

[aineair]

Hi all,

I've spent a few hours reading all the threads on this board & it has been fantastic! I'd really appreciate other people's views on our current situation.

My DH and I met, moved in together and had our DS within a year. There were obvious challenges with essentially becoming a family before we became a couple but we did very well and got through the good times and the bad. Our son is 3 and a bit and very very happy. And we got married 2 months ago and we are very very happy.

We are at the stage now where we would both like a second child but here's the problem. My DH is 50. I'm 41. I know we could cope with anything life throws at us. We both have very good jobs and certainly would have the flexibility for 1 of us to go part-time or take a break from work for a while. My DH is the youngest 50 year old you could meet. So the next few years, we'd be fine.

It's the future I worry about. If we were super lucky & concieved quickly, my DH would be 51 when a baby would arrive. That means by the time he retires (65) the child would only be 14. So at a time when we should be putting our feet up & enjoying life, we'd have to keep working and that's best case scenario.......worst case, one of us isn't around at all.

So logically, sticking with our 1, wonderful DS makes sense on so many levels. But every time I see a baby I am a blubbering mess. Add to that my son is now aware of all his little friends having sisters & brothers and it kills me. And the other thing is that I worry about him being alone when we are gone. None of my siblings have kids (or plan to) and my DH's are all in another country & while they have kids, there isn't a close relationship or even a reasonable prospect of one.

We both say that if DH was 5 years younger, this would not even be a question. I'm interested in other people's views and experiences of being a (much) older parent.

TIA. x

[TeenTimesTwo]

DH was 50 when we adopted our 2 children then aged 8 and 2.5.
I think you maybe have to accept that as an older parent there are some things you might not be so good at (e.g. playing football in the park). On the other hand you have maturity and wisdom and life experience.

I'd go for it.

And if he retires when youngest is doing GCSEs that's great as someone around to help with revision.

[MinaPaws]

I genuinely don't see the problem. 65 was old in the days when people died around 70. These days he's likely to live well into his 80s if his health is good. I have a 65 yr old friend who whizzes around with his grandchildren as though he were their dad and is still very sporty and active.
And if he has retired by then (though lots of people stay on working later or work part time or for themselves) then he can be taxi to your DTeens because it's almost a full time job.

[MinaPaws]

I forgot to say, DH is 60 and DS2 is 16. No problems at all.

[Shadowboy]

Hmmm tricky. You obviously feel like you could cope so in that respect go for it. But, as you point out your children will still be children when your partner is at an age when things could Get tricky- health etc

I also feel sorry for children who can’t do the activities they want to as children because of parents who are older and perhaps their fitness/health/joints don’t allow this. Or even become child carers (I’ve taught three over the years) Also when your children are of the age of attending university can you afford this should they need help with one of you (nearly both) on a pension?
The risks of problems with the birth and baby are higher with older parents- are you ok with this? Could you deal with children who might potentially need more support?

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

For me it’s too old. It’s not so much the baby stage, I think that’s easy. It’s having teens in my mid late 60’s I’d find too difficult.

It’s your life though, your decision alone.

[melonscoffer]

Your son will be in his late teens when your husband is sixty five

There's no difference really between a fourteen year old and an eighteen year old.
They will both be dependants.
You were happy to go ahead with having a child just a few years ago. It wasn't that long ago was it.


I'd go ahead and have another, you have lots to offer and financially are stable.

[annandale]

I wouldn't let it stop me if your dh is up for it.

There are things that are worth considering. I would avoid private education unless you are both so rich that you wouldn't ask about the fees - now that DOES trap you into having to earn shed loads for a long time. I would get very serious about lifestyle health - weight, blood pressure, upping exercise. I would take out income protection insurance for at least one of you. I would prioritise pension savings. If you have a mortgage I would try to overpay. I would be quite strategic about my own work - maybe only take 6 months' maternity leave for example.

You can't predict the future. IMO the big shift these days happens between 75 and 80 - my mum was still happily walking 10 miles at 75 and my dad was a sports umpire. By 83 both have become much more frail.

[MyFriendFlicker]

Older parents are often financially better off and have more patience.

DH is 68 now and was 47 and 49 when DC were born.
He was always young for his age but I have to admit having small children accelerated the ageing somewhat. He was lucky enough to be able to retire at 57 when DC2 was still at primary school. That meant he was very hands on, especially for the teenage years doing all the ferrying about.

Ill health can strike anyone at any age. Ironically it has been me that has had health issues which started in my 50s so you can't predict.

The DC never noticed our age when they were young. It was probably early teens when they became conscious that their father was older than most others. I think they might have preferred him to be younger but I haven't detected huge resentment and as adults they get on well with him.
I think they regret that we are both unlikely to be active grandparents unless they had children very young which is unlikely. This applies equally to me who was almost 40 when DC2 was born. Not at all unusual now.

[Havetothink]

If you're both fit and healthy and want another child just go for it.

[Growingboys]

Go for it.

[Benandhollysmum]

I hear older parents have more patience with their children than younger parents, they tend to use life experience and teach their kids better. So if you want kids go for it as you’re in your 40s you can’t be waiting for a few years..if you’re wanting another child go for it

[Primarystress]

My dad was 50 when he had me and died at 81. He was a great dad. Unfortunately I'm an only child and the burden surrounding his death has been horrendous. I would recommend trying for another.

[JulianOfNorwich]

To be blunt, even young parents can die...
My mum died when she was 44. My husband died when our DCs were 4 and 10.
What I'm trying to say is, absolutely go for it. Just be responsible, as ALL parents of any age should be, and plan for the worst case scenario ( life assurance, wills, guardians) then forget all about it and get on with your happy life.
My DC2 was born when i was 40. No probs whatsoever... though there are no guarantees.
A sibling might be more important when parents are older!!
Best of luck.

[cpayne351]

The main concern that keeps coming into my mind is the health of a baby. I think after 32 the odds of you having a down syndrome baby increase by about 50%. Do you want to have a baby that might need caring for their ENTIRE life, which you will not be able to (when you are 80 they will be 30). Of course you can NEVER odds it and anyone can have a baby with health problems or be young and have health problems themselves as a parent. Its just something to think about. Maybe foster for a bit then see if you would like a biological baby or an adopted one?

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Maybe foster for a bit then see if you would like a biological baby what a ridiculous comment. Fostering is not a tester for a child- nor is it that easy just to borrow a baby from the local authority.

OP is boils down to, are you prepared to go through the baby years again and delay your golden years. You've experienced having a baby so you know what to expect. Your son will turn out perfectly fine as an only child if thats what you decide.

[cpayne351]

Actually I think you will find this country needs more foster parents!! If you foster babies and toddlers for 6 months and decide "nope I am actually done with this part of life" then surely this is better than the maybe I am maybe I'm not approach? No matter what you will love your baby anyway whether you feel you had them too early or too late in life - lets face it we all just get on with it once the time comes!

[TeenTimesTwo]

cpayne It costs SS a lot of time and money to approve foster parents. Doing it as a 'try before you make your own' is an absolutely terrible idea.

[Kingsclerelass]

I had ds at 45. His dad was 54. Ds is now 9 It hasn’t been a problem so far.
I had an amino, but otherwise uneventful pregnancy. I would have liked ds to have a sibling but he has a lot of cousins so he’ll never be alone.

Go for it.

[TalbotAMan]

DW and I met when I was 36 and married when I was 42. It is my only marriage and indeed my only LTR.

We had DC1 at 46/33, having had some difficulties conceiving and beginning to think about IVF. We were always conscious of the age issues, particularly in relation to me. We thought long and hard about a second, but decided that in view of my age and DW's health problems, we didn't want to leave DC1 completely alone in the world. DC2 was born when we were 49/36. We are now 60/47.

As others have said, there are no guarantees and any of us could die tomorrow. My DF died at 85 but DFiL only made 61. But so far it has been ok, and I think I was probably a better parent in my 50s than I would have been in my 20s and 30s. OK, I might end up retiring a bit later, but worse things have happened.

Having DC is always a risk and as others have said the older you are the greater the chance of something going wrong. But if you don't, then as you say your DS may end up with no relatives to speak of, and that's not good either.

[cpayne351]

It also costs a lot to keep children in children's homes. Its not a try before you own, they already have a child they know they like being parents. The children know its temporary bless their hearts, although if it was me I would 100% want to keep them all.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

cpayne351 you just made my point for me. This country does need foster careers and the money it takes to process an application to become one should be spent on people who want to be foster careers not trial a second baby.

[TeenTimesTwo]

cpayne
Just to check, are you an adopter or foster carer or children's SW?
I presume not.

[TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince]

Dh was nearly 47 when dd was born. Much as l adore dd l wouldn’t do it at that age again.

We aren’t any better off than we ever were. And we also have adult children who need helping sometimes too. So you may be wealthier with just one at that age, but with older children you wont be.

Other things to consider is tiredness. I’m knackered after a full day at work. I mean really knackered. So you have less energy in the evenings to do stuff.

Also you have to consider how to pay for your retirement and to support a child. It’s very hard.

I love my dd to bits. But l would have had her 10 years earlier if l could do it again

[PotteringAlong]

If I’m honest, I think 50 is too old. I wouldn’t want to have children still at uni when I was in my 70’s

[corythatwas]

My FIL was 51 when dh was born and was still around to see his youngest grandchild born 40 years later. It worked very well with his retirement: he simply became a SAHM while his much younger wife became the bread earner. Dh and his db both benefited from having a hands-on dad around the house.

True, he won't have been much good at playing football, but since he was disabled after having contracted TB as a teenager, that would have been the case at any age. He made up for it in other ways.