My ds was "sexually harmed"

[mummydoolally]

long post, sorry!* a few weeks ago we stayed over at some close friends and went to a 40th party in the evening. They have a boy and girl, who our ds plays with although is not very close to. The children had a fun evening with the babysitter planned, watch a film and then my ds was sleeping over in their ds' bedroom. My ds is 5 yo and theirs is 6 yo.

The next morning my ds told me quite easily that their ds had "eated" his willy. He didn't seem particularly worried or upset and told me he thought it was funny. I should also point out that their ds is much bigger than my ds, head and shoulders taller. I didn't interrogate him but got enough detail to assure me that this was true. We discussed what to do if that happens again and I tried not to show how upset I was by hearing this.

I told our friends (the boys parents) about what had happened. Mother of the boy got very upset and interrogated him for an hour and father was also standing by trying to be supportive. The boy kept repeating "I don't remember, I don't think so" when being questioned about our ds' version of events.

The boys parents feel he has been caught doing minor @naughty" things in the past and has always admitted to it after a while of talking about it. In their opinion as he was interrogated and didn't veer from his line this is more likely to be true.

I called a charity hotline a day later to get some more advice, they were very helpful and felt it would be very important that our friends get in touch for advice too

When I rang them to tell them about it, they said they did not feel the need to discuss it any longer with their ds as he'd been through enough and they believed him. They also proceeded to say they felt my ds had made it up!!

We had a long conversation that was difficult but they finally agreed to call the hotline.

My problem now is my friend the mother of the boy is contacting me about arranging play dates and to be honest I'm still very angry about this all. This probably reflects me personally and my baggage about being taken advantage of when I was younger but I really can't face putting our ds in the same room as theirs.
My dh feels they have kept their end of the bargain and as he is best mates with the boys father that we need to remain on friendly terms.

I may also be angry with myself for letting ds sleep in their boys room as he has always been physically intimidating.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and have some advice to share? Or just thoughts on the above as I felt the need to air it somewhere.

[Isadora2007]

I think you need to contact a specialist organisation like nspcc about this.
That 6 year old boy should NOT know about blowjobs and if he did (attempt to) perform such an act on your son there needs to be some exploration about how and where he got this sexual kknowledge from.

I would definitely try them first, leave the issue with the friendship for now. You have a duty of care for your own child but also their son and cannot just forget this.
Sorry.

[Cherubfish]

I would feel the same way as you, OP. It's up to them whether or not to believe their son, and it's good that they phoned the hotline, but you don't know how honest they were, or whether they downplayed the situation. At the end of the day you believe your son (as I would in the circumstances you describe) and your priority is to protect him. You can remain friends with the adults, but leave your DS at home with a babysitter next time. I think your DH is being totally unreasonable.

[PuddinginPerth]

You can’t put your son in a situation wherein he will be abused again. It isn’t even open for discussion!
I would report the family to children’s services (or whatever it is called in your country) and walk away from that friendship.

Your son had a sexual act performed on him and the parents of the offender want your son to come over again?! Seriously?? Who are these people?

Someone abused your friend’s son and now he is reinacting it.

You need to cut off all contact! Something is happening in that house and you don’t need to expose your son to it. The other parents even admitted their son had been naughty in the past... this isn’t naughty - these are signs of sexual abuse. Their ambivalence indicates something else is going on in that home!!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

The woman went about this all the wrong way. You absolutely don’t interrogate a 6 yo. You talk to outside agencies to get advice on how to talk to your child. She obviously panicked. Im not trying to minimise the behaviour. However, idk if his ds “eating” your ds is indicative of sexual abuse. Boys are obsessed with willies after all. But in saying that I do not have a boy child.

When my dd was 5 I caught her and her friends pretending to be babies. They were upstairs in the bedroom and I heard the door shut, which at that age meant go and investigate. They were playing babies. Her friend was lying on the changing mat and dd was cleaning her nether regions with my facial wipes. I asked them to stop. Dd was a bit immature at the time - I subsequently learnt she’d stopped maturing emotionally 18 months before (I’m chronically ill and she stopped maturing as soon as she started school - all sorted now). In consequence dd was the maturity level of a just turned 4 yo and didn’t think there was anything wrong unlike her friend, who was mortified.

What I’m saying is children do stupid things and not everyone is on target emotionally. Only you know the children.

I think into your position I would speak to the nspcc for advice. If the boys get on, I don’t see anything wrong with them playing together as long as they are in view at all times. But if your ds is uncomfortable playing with his ds, then of course suggest just meeting up as adults.

One thing for sure before you do let the children play together, I would want to be having a pants talk with both the boys together.

[Twounder13]

It's clearly a case for social services, surely? A child wouldn't display sexualised behaviour unless it's been learnt from somewhere

[missyB1]

Did your ds describe exactly what this boy did? I mean did he actually put your ds penis in his mouth? Is it possible it was a bit of play fighting/ mucking around that turned silly?
I think there can be a danger of leaping to conclusions in these situations.

[Singlenotsingle]

This happened to my boy when he was 3 and the other boy was 13. I complained to the mother but she of course didn't believe it. I couldn't see any point putting my boy through more upset, reporting it and getting it investigated, so I just put our house on the market and moved.

[mummydoolally]

Thank you all for replying, and sorry for my slow responses, busy day at work! Your replies have helped me to gauge that I'm not crazy this is a scary thing and right that I'm upset about it. I will try to reply to each of you now but I'm new to the app, so bear with me...

[mummydoolally]

Isadora2007

I think you need to contact a specialist organisation like nspcc about this.
That 6 year old boy should NOT know about blowjobs and if he did (attempt to) perform such an act on your son there needs to be some exploration about how and where he got this sexual kknowledge from.

I totally agree these were my thoughts! I will try the NSPCC. The charity I spoke to are linked to them but they may have a fresh perspective.

I would definitely try them first, leave the issue with the friendship for now. You have a duty of care for your own child but also their son and cannot just forget this.
Sorry.
^
I can't forget it you're right! The friendship may have to wait a while but I don't know whether to say this to my friend trying to arrange the play date or just try to avoid her?!^

[JuliaSevern]

An hour is a ridiculously long time for her to have been interrogating him

[ItsNachoCheese]

Id be keeping my ds as far away from their house as possible. How a 6yo knows that sort of thing can only come from an adult. No 6yo i know knows anything sexual like that. Id be horrified if they did

[mummydoolally]

Cherubfish thank you

It's up to them whether or not to believe their son, and it's good that they phoned the hotline, but you don't know how honest they were, or whether they downplayed the situation. At the end of the day you believe your son (as I would in the circumstances you describe) and your priority is to protect him.

I feel they probably did downplay the situation. Honestly I'm not sure I can remain friends having experienced what feels like a betrayal... I'm trying to understand that they probably don't want to believe their ds has done that but to go to the extent of saying my ds was telling fibs is incredible.

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

I think you would be absolutely reasonable to withdraw from the friendship. The other boy got that idea from somewhere. Their reaction seems rather odd.

[IWantMyHatBack]

Call social services. This is extremely worrying behaviour and needs to be investigated in case the boy is being abused.

[mummydoolally]

You can’t put your son in a situation wherein he will be abused again. It isn’t even open for discussion!
I would report the family to children’s services (or whatever it is called in your country) and walk away from that friendship.

This thought had crossed my mind, I'm worried that their son may have been abused. I will definitely not be putting my ds anywhere near theirs ever again which means the friendship is probably over...

Your son had a sexual act performed on him and the parents of the offender want your son to come over again?! Seriously?? Who are these people?
I should say I think this friend lacks empathy OR she genuinely believes her ds did nothing. either way it doesn't look good!

[rookiemere]

I'm with you OP l'd not be letting my DS near theirs again and would struggle to remain friends with them. What your DS described does not sound like normal getting to know about your body at all and I'd be very worried about where it came from.

[SpaceDinosaur]

Absolutely speak with the nspcc. Your child has been subjected to very inappropriate behaviour and the child concerned needs some help. Abuse has MANY forms. It may be something as "simple" as seeing porn on a tablet rather than anything "worse"

The fact the parents are dismissing it so much rings alarm bells for me however

You are entirely rational OP

[mummydoolally]

Mummyoflittledragon yes I agree

The woman went about this all the wrong way. You absolutely don’t interrogate a 6 yo. You talk to outside agencies to get advice on how to talk to your child. She obviously panicked. Im not trying to minimise the behaviour. However, idk if his ds “eating” your ds is indicative of sexual abuse. Boys are obsessed with willies after all. But in saying that I do not have a boy child.

It's considered sexual harm rather than abuse, apparently that's the technical term for children under 11. This behaviour is too advanced for a 6 yo so the concern is something may have happened to him. Problem with that is my friends don't want to hear it and would rather stick their heads in the sand...

[haribosmarties]

I think you need to tell them straight that your son will not be coming round there again because you feel that they have minimised and not addressed their sons behaviour properly.
Of course they are both only young children but from what you are saying its implied that this is not the first thing of this nature that that boy has done and he is generally aggressive? Clearly there is some kind of issue that they as parents are not addressing here if that is the case.
Children do some weird stuff that is completely innocent and just needs to be met with having a word with them about appropriate behaviour and boundaries... but this sounds like its more of an issue than that. It sounds like they are sticking their heads in the sand about it. So I would not be happy with my child going round there and id let them clearly know why in the hopes that that would spur them into taking their childs behaviour more seriously.

[mummydoolally]

Juliasevern

An hour is a ridiculously long time for her to have been interrogating him

^Yes it was hard, they called me in to add more detail to question him on and he seemed so distressed I felt utterly sorry for him.

My friend definitely flew off the handle and unfortunately the consequences of this for his future behaviour (and being open with them) are rather scary^

[Racecardriver]

Right, while it us completely normal for children that age to have an interest in their gebetailia (look up physcosexual development) it is not nornal to give each other bliwjobs. Yes, they will someyimes touch each other or have a look at what my willy does moment but this was miminucking a sex act not merely exploring their bodies. I agree with pp that this raises concerns about the other child being abused. It would be the right thing here to context the nspcc and Co slider contacting ss.

As for your DS do keep him away from the other boy but don't feel to anxious for him. It sounds like he wasn't upset by it and you handled it well (unlike the other parents). Teach your son the pants rule (nobody else must ever touch anything covered by your pants) and try to move on from it.

[ArnoldBee]

Looking at it through small boys eyes I really don't think this was sexual but something that went too far. Interrogating their son only compounded an otherwise difficult situation. I would put some space between the boys for now by saying your busy for example. Both boys need to be educated on the pants rule and being appropriate. I'm sure you'll be positive with your son and not project any shame onto him. As far continuing any friendship as your DH is best mates with the father is not something that sits comfortably at the moment and you will.need to decide this over time.

[Arum51]

No

Your son has experienced sexual harm. Just because it meant nothing to him now doesn't mean it won't stay with him, and may emerge in behaviour/memories/confusion at a later date.

You do not let your child near the person, child or not, who sexually harmed him.

As for the other child, you need to report this to children's social care. I would strongly suspect that this child has been abused. Looking, touching, being interested in the genitalia of others is relatively normal at this age. Putting a penis into his mouth is not. You need to act on this.

You also need to point out to your DH that his son has been abused, and that he needs to put his friendship with the abuser's father well below his child's wellbeing. Seriously, what the FUCK is he thinking?

[Lollyice]

Something similar happened with dd (5) and the boy next door(7) Fortunately dh was watching and intervened very quickly. The RSPCC weren't overly worried. I told neighbour what had happened and DD has never played with the boy again. It is difficult living next door to him but it's not worth the worry.

[bobstersmum]

I am horrified at this to be honest but I think that as he said he eated it, to me more says he bit it, rather than imitated a bj? Another poster did suggest could have been play fighting or something
If I was you I'd definitely pursue it down the proper channels, someone trained will be able to get to the bottom of what actually happened.