Support from DH at night with baby

[doobeedoo2]

Hoping for a bit of advice...

Our DD is 3mo and EBF. I feed her to sleep each evening after her bath and it can take anything from 1-3h to settle her in her cot. I then do the night feeds (normally 2 or 3), again feeding her to sleep before putting her back in her cot.

This means that I do everything for our DD between about 6.30pm each evening until 7am the following morning and am constantly exhausted. Meanwhile DH has a free evening and a good night's sleep, and I'm really starting to resent this.

He works full time so don't expect him to wake up for all the feeds during the week but feel like there must be something he can do to support me Fri and Sat nights. Just not sure what it is. Any suggestions??

Whenever I try to raise it with him he says I've created the situation as I chose to breastfeed so there's nothing he can do to help. This just feels like a bit of a cop out though. Is it totally unreasonable of me to think he should maybe wake up with me sometimes just to keep me company? Or is it just a bit vindictive of me to want him to be a bit knackered too?!

I'm so braindead I can't work out if I'm just being harsh and need to accept that dads get an easier ride when it comes to nighttime or if he should be more supportive. 🤔

[MrsBartlettforthewin]

On weekends does he get up with baby after there morning fed at 6/7? Then you can go back to sleep until need again for next feed. Also does he give you time on the weekend to do things by yourself?
You could suggest he gives a bottle Friday/ Saturday night, one of the middle of the night feeds either expressed or formula.

Lots he could do to help if he wants to.

[MrsBartlettforthewin]

Oh and your not being unreasonable to expect help at night if you want need it.

[Oldagepensioner]

I think you’re doing a fantastic job feeding your baby. At three months if she’s taking up to three hours to settle, I would change what you are doing. She needs to be properly tired when you put her down, so perhaps playing with her a bit longer during the day might work. The other thing to consider is not always feeding to sleep. Sometimes it helps to put a baby down awake so they can settle themselves.

I think your DH could do the day shift at the weekends allowing you to nap or take a relaxing bath. The night shift is yours for now, unless you want to partly bottle feed.

[user1489792710]

Sorry you are having a difficult time. My DD is 2 years 3 months and still breastfeed during the night. She is a determined bottle-formula-pacifier refuser so we didn't have much choice. I can imagine how tired you are.

We both work full time. During the early days DH used to wake up with me for the night feeds change nappies, burp and hold her until she fell asleep. Sometimes make me a cup of tea. It helped tremendously even if he didn't do anything he would at least offer before falling back to sleep. So no you are not being vindictive or unreasonable at all. She's his baby as well as yours.

DH also used to let me nap during the weekends while he had the baby watched tv or just went out for a walk. He isn't perfect but he very much wanted to be involved with DD and that is what he did.

Hopefully things improve soon.

[user1493413286]

I EBF and my DH would get up with baby in the morning at weekends so I could sleep (after a first feed) and look after her in the day so I could sleep. If I was really tired I’d sometimes go to bed when he got home in the evening and wake up for the next feed.
He also used to do all the dinners and washing up.
We did try him getting up in the night to change her then I feed but by 3 months you might not be changing her at night and also i concluded that it was better that he had the sleep to look after her in the day while I slept rather than us both be knackered.

[katmarie]

My dh gets up first thing in the morning when ds wakes, changes his nappy and brings him to me to breastfeed. I'm sitting feeding ds now and dh has just brought me a plate of food and a bottle of water. If I asked him to come and change ds's nappy and wind him he would, no problem. when he does wake in the night, dh is the one to fetch him, check his nappy and try and settle him down again, or bring him to me for a feed. There is plenty a dad can do in the night, even if you're ebf.

[FirstTimeMummaB]

Just wanted to say I remember feeling like this too. And even some nights now I still do, DS is almost 8 months old and still breastfed! It’s totally normal to resent your sleeping DH when you’re sat up feeding baby for the umpteenth time that night. I’m sure I’d silently plotted to kill him just the once or twice..... 😬
Firstly, well done for breastfeeding! It’s bloody hard work. At this point your supply should be fairly settled by now, have you considered expressing milk so DH can bottle feed? I used a hakaa pump (express off one side whilst feeding DS from the other - totally saved me!!) and if I needed the break I’d express in the morning (when I was most ‘full) and keep that milk stored in the fridge so my DH could do a feed in the evening/following morning. I was also able to build a nice little freezer stash of ebm very quickly for when I was unable to express day by day. Not much you can do about excessive night feedings at this point but that will ease over time on its own eventually.
Alongside that, when my DH had a day off from work the following morning he used to do DS’ nappy changes at night then hand him to me for a feed. Doesn’t sound like much but was nice not needing to leave the comfort of my bed at stupid o’clock in the morning!
I also second advice from pp’s.. get him to make you dinners/run you a bath/play with and-or bath baby just to give you 5 mins to breathe. If you need it - ask for it! My DH never really steps in off his own accord unless I ask for it lol (men!!)
Sorry for the essay. Keep going! You’re doing amazing!!

[Rockandrollwithit]

My DS is formula fed but I still think your DH could do more. At the weekends he could take DD out for a walk so you can nap. He could also get up with her after the first feed so you can sleep in - both days.

[pastabest]

Honestly? I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect him to keep you company during the night. No point both of you being tired.

However,

Why are you spending 1 - 3 hours trying to settle a 3 month old in a cot!? That's just madness and a complete waste of time.

At that age you can't set their routine they set it themselves, instead of doing what you are doing how about he holds the baby downstairs or whatever during that time while you do something else or even just sit on the sofa handsfree. If the baby wakes and needs feeding he can pass her over but at 3 months old surely the baby just goes up to bed when you do?

[spugzbunny]

Give him the baby during those few hours you are trying to settle her to sleep for a start! Neither of you need to be settling her in that time. Just relax with her, watch tv, have a glass of wine! Then when she starts to get sleepy, take her up to bed!

[letsallhaveanap]

Your partner saying you created the situation is a disgusting thing to say and id be livid about that!
As for what he can actually do.... I exclusively breastfed and the best thing my husband did to help was taking the baby out for walks on his days off so I could get naps in a silent house.

[pastabest]

snap spugz

[newcupcake]

You feed he settles ! Also he should be getting up with her on weekends so you can sleep and doing a good chunk of house stuff too

[emoji]

What @pastabest said. No need to be wasting up to 3hrs trying to settle a baby who doesn't want to be settled. No wonder you're exhausted!

My DH never did any of the night feeds. Yes I was tired but I wasn't getting up to go to work the following day like he was. DH gives me a lie-in on Saturday mornings though

[Rocinante1]

Agree here too. Stop forcing the baby to bed. 3 months old is still very young; you don't need to be forcing routine. Let her sit downstairs with you for cuddles and little toys. Then husband can join in with that. It's not all your job and spending 3 hours forcing her to sleep at this age is no necessary.

[Melliegrantfirstlady]

Why is it taking so long to settle the baby?

Yes to you having a lie in on a weekend after the morning feed

Not sure why you are resenting him due to the fact that bf is taking over things

So express or get your weekend lie in!

[Pastaagain78]

Right so, the breastfeed comment is unreasonable but when my 3DS were that small they didn’t go to bed until 9ish. Cluster fed on the sofa. There is plenty of time to set up a bedtime routine.

I certainly wouldn’t expect DH to stay up with me. But he would let me sleep in in the mornings and bring me a cup or tea. I would also nap in the day.

[silverrose56]

At 3 months we just kept DS downstairs with us in the evening. I fed and cuddled him on the sofa while watching tv, my DH would cook me dinner and bring it to me on the sofa. If DS wouldn't be put down DH would hold him while I ate.

DH also got up with DS in the morning to give me a lie in and took him out for walks on the weekends so that I could have a bit of free time.

We didn't put DS upstairs in his cot in the evenings until he was 6 months old. At that point I would feed DS and then we took it in turns to settle him, he was ready for a bedtime at this age and settled fairly quickly.

[doobeedoo2]

Thanks for all the replies - it's given me lots to think about. I think I need to make weekend mornings sacred sleep catching up time whilst DH looks after baby rather than planning loads of family activities. Sad to say but I think at this stage sleep might need to come before quality time together!! 🙈

As some of you have said it does seem a bit daft how long I spend trying to get DD to sleep in the evening. I'm not putting her in the cot til she's asleep in my arms and so am feeding her all that time in a darkened room.... Just feels like there's so much pressure to work towards your baby sleeping 7-7 but maybe I'd be happier trying to ignore that and keeping her downstairs with us??

[Coconut0il]

I've had 2 DC and neither have ever slept 7-7. Especially at such a young age. I would get comfy downstairs with a drink and a snack, watch what you like on the TV and feed baby on your lap till you're ready to go up to bed. No wonder you're frustrated, spending 3 hours in a darkened room
DS2 is almost 3 now and has always slept 9-7. My sister's children go to bed at 7 but wake at 5. Do what works for you, they will find their routine.
Your DH should definitely be doing more. Offering drinks, meals, doing nappy changes, baths, letting you have a lie in when possible.

[TwinkleStars15]

You will be so much happier when you stop spending 3 hours in a dark room getting baby to sleep! Have her down with you until you’re ready for bed, 3 month olds don’t need a routine. Trust your instincts Mumma

[BendingSpoons]

DD gradually bought her bedtime forward to 7:30ish but at that age it was more like 9ish. I would feed on and off in the living room. Between feeds she would either doze in the Moses basket in there or DH would hold her.

[Ekatarzyna]

I also agree with the above. With my first I felt like I spent my life trying to settle for naps. For 2 and 3 I’ve simply put them to bed when tired and when they were tiny I watched TV etc or sometimes I slept really early 7pm11:30pm for my break whilst DH cuddled etc. He had an art of bouncing the bouncy chair with a foot while he watched a film

[ferntwist]

Could you express a bottle full each day so your DH could feed your little girl either first thing in the morning or for one of the night feeds?
That’s what we’ve been doing. My husband also changes nappies while I’m getting ready for feeds. DH should be bringing you water and making dinner too.

[LadysFingers]

DS works full time, but looks after EBF DGD until 2 am, apart from the bf. Poor child, she has probably seen every World Cup match! Then DIL takes over at 2 am. He also cooks dinner 3 x a week and helps with cleaning at weekends.