Am i doing parenting wrong?

[Chantelleee]

so it all started when my daughter was born, we came out of hospital and noticed that she had developed jaundice. which i blamed myself for as i didn't know what it was. i already felt like a bad parent because i couldn't breast feed. the midwife that came to visit me 24hrs after i came home just looked down her nose at me and was always negative. i don't usually hate people but oh my! my hatred built up for her. no matter what i said she belittled it and made me out to be a bad person. she lost a ton of weight due to her jaundice. It wasn't down to us not feeding her cause we did everything to keep her awake but it didn't work. she was admitted to hospital for 3 nights due to her huge weight loss to have a tube up her nose. that was heartbreaking cause all i could hear was that midwife's voice in my head. when we came out she had put on weight and kept putting on weight. even to this day, she is putting on weight. BUT according to the midwife she is OVERWEIGHT. which upsets me since she is the most happiest 5 month old girl you will ever meet. she is smiley and happy and just loves playing with her toys. if shes not underweight shes overweight. Every time my health visitor comes to visit, she always leaves me upset or crying from the comments she makes like my child is overweight and telling me what i should and shouldent be doing with my child. she hasn't got any children of her own and is really young. (mid twenties). she always says "you need to do this and you must do that". its like they have a book and they follow it and expect every child to be the same and do everything the same. every child is different. not once has she said "this is just a guide, but YOU are the parent, YOU know whats best for YOUR child". please tell me i'm not alone in this. i'm fed up of being told i don't know whats best for my own child, from someone who doesn't have children. i know my child... i carried her for 9 months

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Is there a reason OP that the HV is coming to your house and weighing your DD? Normally, having your baby weighed is optional unless she is being treated for a medical problem.

Is your DD following her centiles? Is she meeting her milestones? If it’s yes to both of these, I’d just say that you’d prefer not to have her weighed this time as you’re a bit busy.

[peachgreen]

What sort of advice is she giving you?

[Thesearmsofmine]

OP your baby having jaundice was not your fault, many babies have it.

When you say overweight what are they saying? Five month olds only have milk, they all grow differently, some gain weight rapidly others are slower, so I am not sure what they mean by overweight.

Is there a reason the health visitor is coming out to you? We just have one home visit when baby is 3-4 weeks and then you can go get them weighed at clinic.

[Max88]

Hey op, I couldn't agree with you more! Ds is only 8 weeks but from day one I felt totally let down by the health professionals and hvs. I wasn't supported at all and they all seemed to have an opinion on ds. We were in hospital for 3 weeks with feeding issues (tube popped down his nose), I know how hard that is to see, none of what you have described is in anyway your fault. I couldn't breast feed either and ds couldn't even bottle feed properly until 6 weeks or so, we've had to order in a special one for his feeding issues. To this day if it's not the health 'professionals' putting me down its random people making comments about what's best for my baby. Ds is slowly putting on weight but it's never enough for the hv despite him being on the 50th centile (she's no longer visits us as I take him to the clinic), whenever she left I always felt deflated, despite having done everything in my power to help him gain weight. Again I agree with you, they treated us like they were reading from some magic manual, my baby has feeding problems and they were Treating him like a normal feeding baby, it took us 5/6weeks to establish his feeding and even then it was me who was putting in the effort, they were all Totally clueless!!! Hang in there momma, you're doing a wonderful job x

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

How can a 5month old be overweight? What crap! She may be in the larger percentile but so what that’s genetics.
So sorry you’ve had a bad experience with what sounds like a jobsworth of an HV, reading all the books buthaving no hands on experience/ common sense. Can you stop seeing her?

[BertrandRussell]

Why are you still involved with the midwife? And why is the HV still coming out to you-does your baby have health issues?

[Mabelface]

Phone up your gp practice and ask to change health visitor.

[Chantelleee]

AAAAHHHHH at last. someone who understands how i feel and what i have been through. its a nightmare. honestly they read one book and think they know it all and think they have had all of the kids in the world. we honestly tried everything to get her to feed. my boyfriend even sat outside with her in the winter (in january when she was born) and tried to feed her in a hope she would wake up from being too cold. but to no avale. honestly right from when i was pregnant i have never felt positive about being a parent due to these people. i wanted a baby my whole life and i have to say i have had the worst experience with these so called professionals. im so glad you commented. thank you soo much. you are a great mum too :)

[Max88]

That's okay, like I said, you're already doing a grand job, I understand how hard it is and I'm normally a one who supports and vouches for the NHS, however on this particular occasion they have tarnished motherhood for myself and my first baby. They all seemed to have different opinions on the best thing for ds and nothing I ever did was right. He is a baby that takes (still) an hour to take 3.5Oz and at his worst point he regressed and was taking 2 hours which is not at all normal for a baby of his age. I watched jealously as my friends baby happily chugged 5oz in 15 mins. I reached out for help numerous times in hospital listening to my mummy instincts, only to be told by my hv to basically suck it up and bring his feeds closer together from 4 hours to 3 hours. I mean what the actual fuck?! I tried explainjng my baby was lethargic and basically exhausting himself trying to suck a regular bottle (his mouth set up is a bit pants so he really struggles to make a seal on the bottle), they offered me no solution and I was left to try and sort it myself. My poor baby was struggling to put on weight through numerous underlying problems they hadn't diagnosed (micrognathia, and reflux) and then tried to put it down to the fact that I wasn't feeding him regularly enough?!! If it wasn't for my mums support I honestly don't know where I'd be, hospital basically broke me. I think the worst thing was (again not being able to breast feed is in no way your fault, they don't take in to account that we didn't choose to not breast feed, we are not able to) getting referred back to hospital, I arrived very late and due to stress hadn't grabbed anything to eat. I asked if they had a sandwich as nowhere was open and they were reluctant to get me anything as they only offered food to breast feeding mothers. I know this is probably policy but really?! I didn't choose not to! They kept telling me to wake him every 3 hours despite him not being remotely interested in food until the 4 hour mark, but they were having none of it, I'm with you, every baby is different! Sod the lot of them, I could care less for their opinions now, so much isn't taken in to account, like you said, every baby is different, some are smaller, others bigger. They always seem assessed with 'sufficient' weight gain and it was stressing me out! Little mans doing well now with weight gain. ( thanks to reflux med and high calorie formula) but it was beginning to make me ill worrying how much I was giving him and basically felt like I was force feeding him eugh! Trust your mummy instincts on what is right, you know your baby best, sod the others! X

[OnlyBaBaBiss]

Why are you seeing your HV so much?
I had my last baby in January too and I’ve seen my (lovely and very realistic) HV twice since

[Max88]

*obsessed

[BertrandRussell]

I am not going to tell anyone they are doing a good job without more information. They might be, and the HCP are being wildly unreasonable. They might not be and there might be legitimate concerns. We don't have enough information to say.

[Chantelleee]

Honestly that is auful. i feel soo horrible for you. just ugh. i dont see a lot of posts about it i just had enough of being painted as a bad parent every time a health professional comes to visit. honestly i just wanna give you a hug. its like i said they all read a book and think they know everything. i didnt really have the food problem as such cause i never wanted food. my partnet always brought me food up and so did my mum, (i dont do hospital food) never have done. its one of the worst things ever. i was far too stressed to eat. but i totally get what you mean, just cause you were not breastfeeding doesn't mean they can deny you food. you're still a mum. or are you? i mean were clearly not mums cause we don't breast feed. oh no!. my little girl had to have the tube too at almost 2 weeks old. because i remember it was a few days before my partner was due back at work. luckily we came out before that. (again i don't do hospitals. its even worse for me overnight). it looks like we have had bad expierence. i feel completly let down by the "professionals" and i just dont feel like a decent parent

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

am not going to tell anyone they are doing a good job without more information. They might be, and the HCP are being wildly unreasonable. They might not be and there might be legitimate concerns. We don't have enough information to say. well, we haven’t got any information really and the OP isn’t answering any questions.

[StopWhisperingStopShouting]

My friend was told by her health visitpr that her 2yr old dd was a worry as she was way below the height chart for her age group. My friend had to point out that both her and her dh (who the hv had met) that as they were both under 5ft what did she expect?!
No fucking commong sense and looking at the bog picturw

[Chantelleee]

i am actually answering them Privately. ask away!!!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

I’m not sure if you know the normal format for MN OP so i’ll lay it out for you. You post your problem. If people feel there’s not enough information for them to help, they ask questions, you answer them on the thread and anyone who wants to can read them and hopefully help you out.

If you don’t want to follow the usual pattern that’s fine, but you might find that lots of MNers will probably stop trying to help you out.