Supporting an anxious child, but how?

[Olivo]

DD is 11, year 7. She has always been sensitive and keen to please, setting herself high expectations and working hard. The first year of secondary school has been up and down, but she Hs coped admirably. One thing that I have noticed though ,is the anxiety she seems to be going through, which is manifesting itself as aggression and meltdowns. I'm unsure if I should be doing more than offering solutions to her working through her worries, and reassuring her that we still love her ( despite her telling is she hates us, we only love her sibling, she is going to leave etc) . She is consequenced for actions such as throwing things and banging doors, threatening her sibling, but we always help her to calm down ( more than an hour. Sometimes) and cuddle her before bed ; often, tiredness plays a part as these meltdowns are nearly always at night.

But should I be seeking external help?

Any advice welcome!

[stargirl1701]

Are you using the word meltdown because you think she is on the ASD spectrum? Have you looked at the symptoms of 'masking ASD' in girls?

[Olivo]

I haven't really questioned ASD, although maybe I should. I used meltdowns as they are generally more than tantrums, starting as anger and aggression, then progressing to crying, willing, and resulting in her being physically and mentally deflated.

[Olivo]

I've just had a really quick read of a couple of articles. It is possible. I dont know though, if she is just being. 'Normal' 11 year old. Her dad has a very quick temper, I am an anxious perfectionist ( although I am very careful not to place too high an expectation on her) so I wondered if they were just inherited traits.

[stargirl1701]

My DC are younger so I can't comment on whether it is normal in 11 year olds.

What does your instinct say?

The school will have access to an Ed Pysch if you wanted to discuss her difficulties. The SENCO could refer you.

[Olivo]

Would they though, if there were no signs of anything at school? It takes months at my school, and we need to build up a lot of evidence before we can do so. I did wonder about getting a recommendation for. A private ed psych. Or would it just be a general psych?

[stargirl1701]

I think the point of this masked ASD in girls is the huge discrepancy between behaviour at home and school.

The school based Ed Pysch would be a free service. A child psychologist could talk with you but it would either be a huge wait on an NHS list or expensive.

What does your DD say about it?

[Olivo]

She doesn't want to talk to anyone, she just tells us it is because we don't love her and she doesn't ever. Get anything she wants. She is unwilling to discuss episodes, usually because she has slept on it and almost 'forgotten'.

I may discuss with the senior at my own school and see what she would recommend if it was on e fo our students/parents.

[Olivo]

Thanks for your suggestions, by the way, stargirl

[stargirl1701]

You are welcome.

Parenting is bloody hard!

[Chrysanthemum5]

Hi
You could be describing my DD who is 10. At school she is lovely and her reports are always positive- at home her anxiety is through the roof, and she gets incredibly angry followed by tears.

We have just started seeing a child psychologist privately as we ran out of ideas of how to help her ourselves. Only had one session but it was fascinating and sad to hear how aware she is of everyone's opinion of her; how she calls herself a follower etc.

I've read up on masking of ASD in girls and I wonder if this might be the case with DD. And with me to be honest!

I'm happy to let you know if the psychologist has any insights which might help your DD.

[Olivo]

Thank you too, chrysanthemum. My DD is also incredibly concerned about what others think of her.