Lost it with toddler

[Beetlebum1981]

DD1 who's 2.5 has been really pushing my buttons recently and I've had less and less patience to deal with her tantrums as I'm being woken 3-4 Times a night by her and DD2 who's 3 months and totally exhausted. Today she refused to go to the toilet and I battled with her to get her on it as she hadn't been all morning. She scratched my arms and so I grabbed her by the arms and held her on the toilet. She then wriggled forward mid wee and weed all over my shoe. By that point I lost it, man handled her off the toilet, roughly dumped her on the floor and screamed at her. She was understandably petrified and at that point I realised how utterly disgusting my behaviour was. I'm completely ashamed of myself and devastated that I lost it so badly. I just feel like I'm on the edge - I managed to see my doctor this afternoon and explained to a certain extent what happened. She's upped my dose of antidepressants and told me to go back in to weeks or sooner if necessary but I'm so frightened of my behaviour. It's not me, I love my children more than anything and would never dream of hurting them however I could so easily have hurt DD1 this morning. I don't know where to turn and am sat here in tears. I don't need a blasting, or telling how awful I am as I know that already. I just want to know how to help myself or if others have done anything like this before.

[Rainatnight]

Hugs to you.

You've had an awful day.

What's it like the rest of the time?

What kind of support do you have? Two little ones is a massive deal!

[Kittykat93]

You know what you did was wrong which is the main thing and shows you aren't a bad parent. If this sort of thing was happening regularly that would be a different matter, but it was a one off.

I only have one dc and I feel so exhausted sometimes I could cry, so I can't imagine what I'll feel like with two!

You need to be kind to yourself. Do you get help from people in real life? Someone to watch the kids for an hour so you can have a nap, even if only once a week? Do you have a partner?

You need to look after yourself as well as your children. Sleep deprivation is a bloody nightmare it's so horrible, and makes us feel things we wouldn't usually. Please try to reach out to someone who can help you and don't feel guilty, just put it behind you and move on. If you feel your anger building up again, try and remove yourself from the room for a few minutes as long as the dc are safe obviously. Good luck

[Ohyesiam]

You are not a bad parent op, you’ve had a bad parenting day.
Toddlers are so so hard, I really understand. Do you have any rl support?

[SnapCards]

You just had a bad day OP. It will get better, honestly it will.

I have the same age gap and it is so difficult in the those early days.

Hang in there

[katmarie]

You're not awful, please don't think that about yourself. You just reached the end of your tether. But look at it this way, now you know where that break point is, hopefully next time you'll be able to see it coming a bit further in advance and manage it better. You're obviously very upset with yourself, but please don't beat yourself up too much, try and focus on a positive approach, look for some coping mechanisms to help you next time something like this happens. What about this situation set you off? What could have made things better? Could you have approached the toilet issue differently? There may be simple little things you can do differently next time, so focus on that rather than berating yourself. And give your kids a hug, I'm sure they both adore you, and your dd will have forgotten all this in no time.

[Beetlebum1981]

Thank you so much for all the replies. I'm really lucky in that I do have a supportive family. DH has admitted himself that he could be more supportive but he's settling in to a new job so it's hard for him to (he was made redundant a few weeks before DD2 arrived).
As some of you have said today has been a wake up call and I just need to learn to walk away when DD1 is playing up. She knows at the moment that she's gets attention for poor behaviour and I just need to ignore it more.

[UnderthePalms]

Dd is a lovely 13 year old, but her younger sister was born when she was 2.5 and she was so, so upset and jealous. She really played up but was fine at other ages. It's really tough for them being usurped and really hard for us dealing with it!
Try and get support so you can have special mum and dd1 time with just her. That helped with dd1.