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Leaving 3.5m old for a month

(261 Posts)
carpetbrush Tue 12-Jun-18 13:18:23

Hello. I have an 8 week old right now, but when he is 3.5m, I need to go abroad for one month. It's for the muslim pilgrimage (hajj). We had made the decision to go this year before I got pregnant and it's the best time for me and my DH as it would be complicated next year. Baby will be staying with my parents who he has spent lots of time with and also with my husband's parents who we live with. I know he's in good hands. I have spent every spare moment cuddling and holding baby to make sure he feels bonded and secure and to make up for all the cuddles I'm going to miss. The "fourth trimester" will be over pretty much, but do you think that DS will realise we are gone and do you think it will affect our bond given that we have bonded very well right now?.

KoshaMangsho Tue 12-Jun-18 13:22:58

He will realise you are gone. I would wait till DS is older. (I am Asian but not Muslim and I know how important the hajj is). None of my Muslim friends have done the hajj till their kids were older. Also why a month? Normally those of my friends who have done it go for 10 days etc.

MagicFajita Tue 12-Jun-18 13:23:23

Whilst I'm aware of the importance of Hajj, do you really want to miss this month with your baby? Friends of mine have made this pilgrimage when their children were much older. Is this an option for you?

HollowTalk Tue 12-Jun-18 13:24:07

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't put anything above spending that time with my baby.

Phillipa12 Tue 12-Jun-18 13:24:39

Why cant he go with you? Babies are very transportable at this age.

Sirzy Tue 12-Jun-18 13:25:14

I don’t think any trip could have made me leave ds for a month at that age!

QueenAravisOfArchenland Tue 12-Jun-18 13:27:01

A month at that age is literally a quarter of his life. He will not understand you are coming back and will likely go through the trauma of presuming you are not. I can't comment on the importance of the Hajj to you obviously, but knowing what I know of Islam and how it values the connection between mother and child, I find it very hard to imagine it requires you to go and to leave him behind.

TheOrigRightsofwomen Tue 12-Jun-18 13:27:51

I don't think anyone can know whether your son will know you are gone.
He will be well cared for, of that you don't need to worry.

I think you will find it very, very hard to be away from him for so long and this may well impact on the benefit of the pilgrimage.

One month is a long time. Of course people are away from their babies for all manner of reasons, but it's not something I would choose to do.

KoshaMangsho Tue 12-Jun-18 13:27:53

Baby can’t go on the hajj. It’s very hot. Very very crowded. Facilities are mostly quite basic. It’s a pilgrimage meant to recreate hardship.

summerinrome Tue 12-Jun-18 13:28:13

I would not go, he is too young to leave for that long.

anotherangel2 Tue 12-Jun-18 13:28:59

I wouldn’t go. Your baby would miss you and you will miss your baby. I would imagine you would be distracted and be unable to fully focus on Allah and your baby needs you now.

PotteringAlong Tue 12-Jun-18 13:29:00

You only have to go on hajj once in your life. When your baby is 3.5 months old is not that time.

anotherangel2 Tue 12-Jun-18 13:30:31

I would imagine the baby is too young for the required vaccinations to get into Mecca. Hajj is not appropriate place for a baby.

LeeshaPaper Tue 12-Jun-18 13:30:38

I wouldn't. I find it hard to leave my baby for more than a few hours and he's twice your baby's age. It's a huge part of his life and could really damage your bond ( and his psychological health)

Moreisnnogedag Tue 12-Jun-18 13:33:19

Oh gosh no. But again why a month? Colleagues have gone and been back within a standard 2 weeks AL and our department are very understanding about granting longer if needed.

AgentProvocateur Tue 12-Jun-18 13:34:09

No, I wouldn’t. That’s more than a quarter of his life. He won’t know that you’re coming back. It could be very damaging to him.

Moreisnnogedag Tue 12-Jun-18 13:34:43

What has your Imam said?

Grandmaswagsbag Tue 12-Jun-18 13:36:45

No way, I think it would be traumatic to be separated from primary care giver at such a young age for such a long time (which it will be for a tiny baby).

Takfujuimoto Tue 12-Jun-18 13:36:51

We left DC1 at 20months for 2 weeks and I hated it, DC was always on my mind and I couldn't enjoy myself.

DC actually shunned me when we got back, wouldn't look at me, wouldn't come to me or accept cuddles for about 5 days this all went on, it was incredibly upsetting, especially since they were fine with everyone else.

I wouldn't leave a baby that age for anywhere near that length of time.
It's not necessary for you to do this right now, you will have plenty of time in the future.

You need to sort your priorities out, they seem skewed.

InDubiousBattle Tue 12-Jun-18 13:38:24

Yes he will realise you're gone, yes he will pine for you and miss you . He will have bonded with his primary carer whilst you're away and when you return and will most likely not remember you. Wait until he's much older.

carpetbrush Tue 12-Jun-18 13:39:05

We were told by babies grandparents to just go while I was on mat leave, and that its better to leave them younger as opposed to older when it's harder for them to look after him. They've assured me that he won't know whether I've gone or not as he's so young. It ended up being a month because like I said we were encouraged to book and just take the longer package seeing as we were going anyway, so we might as well go for a month. Obviously the booking was done while I was pregnant so it was all hypothetical but now he's here Im wondering if he will be adversely affected. Not that it's an option to cancel/change the booking..

OrchidInTheSun Tue 12-Jun-18 13:41:13

So you were bullied into leaving your newborn? I wouldn't go

Sirzy Tue 12-Jun-18 13:42:36

I would lose all the money before going tbh!

Why can’t it be done when ds and any other children are old enough for you all to go together?

KoshaMangsho Tue 12-Jun-18 13:42:47

So you are going on a holiday not just the hajj?! It is much easier to leave older children. When they can tell the time and look at a calendar and know when you are coming back, it is much easier to leave them. It shouldn’t be about how hard it is for the grandparents to look after them (my 6 year old needs minimal looking after anyway), but about what is right for the baby.

chickenpox100 Tue 12-Jun-18 13:43:11

Why are you listening to your grandparents? You are his mum. You know him better than anyone else. Listen to your own instincts.

It sounds like you have no intention of not going.

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