Ugh. What to do

[PandaCub]

This is bit of a rant but all advice also appreciated please.

I'm married with a lovely toddler. I work and my OH is long term unemployed (4 years). Until very recently we had a nanny for 2 days a week to try and help him with job hunting. It didn't. I'm both really sympathetic and pretty angry; he's been to one interview and seems happy staying at home. He is not actively looking for work.

The thing is that we'd like to have another baby but my parents 're of the view it's irresponsible if my OH won't work and the burden is all on me. The have a point....I'm knackered and all the running of the household is on my shoulders. It's just assumed I'll crack on and he can choose to stay at home if he wants. I know that being at home with a child is hard work but it was never my choice to go out and work while he didnt - I married believing we would both work and I would take the lions share of childcare if I wanted. I actually moved half way across the country to support him with business ventures....I have been v supportive even if I sound angry here.

I'm angry, skint and confused. Now his parents are talking about moving near us. As if my OH doesn't have it enough his own way already...

Sorry for the rant. But feeling massively underappreciated and taken advantage of here. Grrr.

[CrazyOldBagLady]

Hi there, sorry you are going through this. It sounds a difficult situation. Can I ask why you say you are sympathetic to your husbands joblessness but also say he is not looking for work? Does he have skills that make him employable? Why is he not looking? I take it he looks after your toddler through the week whilst you work?

You also say you are looking after the running of the household, what is stopping your husband from doing this?

What's his take on things, have you actually spoken about it?

From what you have written, it sounds like your parents are correct to be hesitant about a second child coming along before you have things at a point where you are both happy with how your lives are going.

[Kelwar]

Hi, I think It's understandable you feel the way you do, 1 interview in 4 years doesn't sound like true job hunting to me.. I would def hold fire on baby number 2 for now.. my sister in law is in a similar situation to you, my brother quite frankly is a lazy whatsit.. she's expecting their 3rd child and will no doubt go back to working full time when their baby is a few months old while he picks and chooses the odd day he fancies working... he even tells her she has to go back to work full time..

[winterwonderly]

How did you get into this situation? Did he give up work to look after the baby? Did you discuss how long he would do that for? Or did he lose his job and fall into this situation and hasn't had the motivation to get back into work? How old is the child? Does it make financial sense for him to be providing childcare rather than working?

It would be helpful to understand a bit more of the background but I'm guessing it would make more financial sense for him to be working and it's going to be harder for him the longer he leaves it. Having discussions about trying for another child should hopefully make him realise that this is now the time for him to get a job again, then hopefully you will get pregnant and be off on maternity leave. It makes no sense for you to be on maternity leave and him not working.

[winterwonderly]

And why on earth are you responsible for running the household? What is he actually doing during the day apart from looking after the baby of course?

[ShackUp]

I would present him with an ultimatum: get a job or you'll change the locks and he can go home to his parents. Any job will do at this stage, it's been four years. I would add into the mix that you've asked for reduced hours to look after DD so you'll be needing the cash.

His behaviour is totally unacceptable

[Lowdoorinthewal1]

Presumably you earn well if there has been money for a nanny, so there is no urgent need for him to work?

It's only a role reversal of the SAHM scenario really, rather than some dreadful injustice. Maybe you could plan for DH to go back to work when toddler starts school. Or if his parents are moving nearby, they could do a couple of days and he could work part time.

Have a conversation with your DH about him needing to 'run the household'. Does he do the food shopping/ laundry/ cleaning etc. I would have said it was only fair for him to be doing those things (although there are plenty of SAMHs on here who think their FT working partner should share these).

I wouldn't have another baby though, given that you are unhappy with your childcare arrangements but there doesn't seem to be an alternative.

[Lowdoorinthewal1]

What is he actually doing during the day apart from looking after the baby of course?

There are loads and loads of LTB threads where the full time working DH/P takes this view of a SAHM. It never goes down well, everybody ALWAYS says the DH should also be pulling his weight at home. Why is it different this way round??

[winterwonderly]

@Lowdoorinthewal1 I agree that the working partner needs to pull their weight round the house, but in this situation it sounds as if her DH is leaving all of the running of the house to her as well as her working full time. I don't think that's acceptable whether it's a man or a woman.