DS10, just read explicit texts between DH and I

[Newmummyagain2018]

Have name changed for this. DS, just turned 10, just read some very explicit sexual texts on whatsapp between DH (his stepdad) and I. He got really upset/angry, is now saying he hates me and wants to live with his dad. I feel like the worst parent ever. Have password changed multiple times, bought him and his sister (8) their own kindles and phone to keep them off mine etc. DH is furious and not speaking to me as he said DS invaded our privacy (we have very little time together as it is, DCs are hard work, sleep badly etc). No idea what to do and how to repair the damage. I told DS that he shouldn't read private messages or be on my phone and that DH and I were only joking with the texts but don't think he believes it for a minute. Worried I have scarred him for life. Can anyone please advise what I can/should do?

[RandomWordsStuckTogether]

How did he come to read them in the first place? If he was snooping then this is a good opportunity to teach him about respecting others' privacy.

[Newmummyagain2018]

Random, he was on my phone. The kids have their own devices and sometimes use mine despite me asking them not to. He had taken it without asking to play a game then went into my whatsapp and read my messages. I have talked to him about privacy but more worried about the effect on him of reading those messages.

[BettyPitts]

Eeek well he won't snoop again but that's scant consolation with him being so young.

I would just say that sometimes me and DH send messages to make us laugh etc.

How bad were they?

[NetVolume]

He shouldn't have looked op. You've told him not to and he decided to ignore you.

Rather than be embarrassed, I'd punish him by taking something away until he apologises for not respecting your privacy.

[Newmummyagain2018]

Betty, they were really bad. Am so sorry he read them. So typical as we don't often send dirty texts to each other but DH had been away. My only hope is that DS will forget what they said. Is there anything I can say/do to make it better for him? He is going through a bad time anyway ATM so this really is the final straw.

[pallisers]

When he was 14 my son's friend snooped on his mother's phone and discovered she was pregnant (not planned). He was not a happy camper.

Tbh I think you are somewhat to blame in that if you are going to put stuff you really don't want someone to read on your phone, then you have to properly password protect it.

That said, he simply shouldn't have snooped. I think you should sit down with him and tell him you are sorry he saw that but adults have a private life and are entitled to one - you, his dad, his step dad - all adults. He should not open messages that are not his end of story.

Would your ex - his dad - be any help in calming him down?

[Newmummyagain2018]

Thanks Netvolume. I did give him a mild telling off. We are having quite a few issues with him ATM with him having zero respect for me or anyone else for that matter. We already had a massive row this morning when he refused to do his homework. Happens every week. He has always been difficult but his attitude is very bad ATM.

[NetVolume]

I don't understand why you feel bad op. Yes , it's make me feel extremely uncomfortable knowing my child had seen those messages , I'd be more cross that they refuse to allow me privacy though!

[Newmummyagain2018]

No, Pallisers, his dad would make things a million times worse. I have said all those things. He seems ok not but I am worried about the damage done. I know it's at least partly my fault. I should have either deleted the texts or changed the password as he does sometimes go on my phone. Not making excuses but I have 2 i-phones (one for work) and the kids always manage to get my passwords. DH is furious (he is already struggling with DS1), saying we have no time together, no privacy. He is right. I have totally screwed up and this will probably scar DS for life.

[RebelRogue]

You're looking at this the wrong way. He went snooping,used your phone without permission AND deliberately read your messages. It's you who should be cross not him. Would you still be doubting yourself if he saw messages between you and a mate or your mum?
He's not going to be traumatised for life so get over that.

However all these seem to be symptoms rather than the real issue. What's going on with him? How is he behaving at school?

[GummyGoddess]

It isn't your fault, he's been told numerous times not to snoop, maybe now he'll listen! Do you think that the anger is covering up for his embarrassment?

I would be very cross with him personally and would make that clear, but I don't think I'd punish him as reading them would have been punishment enough. How many did he read? He should have stopped at the first one but clearly didn't if he's that angry.

[HollowTalk]

I'd be furious with him. He's old enough to know that your phone is your own private property. That would be the very last time he went on it if he were my son.

I could understand him being angry if you were discussing him - are you sure there's nothing there like that that he might have seen?

[zenasfuck]

Just tell him it's a conversation for adults, adults have second and he needs to stop snooping
Then forget it and let everyone forget about it

[zenasfuck]

*have sex

[Newmummyagain2018]

Thanks Rebel. We've had issues with him for ages but they have got a lot worse in the last year or so. I am 7 months pregnant and DS has reacted very very badly to that, saying he is going to kill the baby etc etc. grilling me over who I will love more, asking why I had to have another baby etc etc. He is ok at school but low level issues over the years with calling out, messing around. We had him assessed for autism last year and just started process through CAMHs for an ADHD assessment. The consultant we saw though thought it was unlikely. We can't seem to get to the bottom of what it is other than he has a very difficult personality. Just feel at the end of my tether with him. Everything is a battle, he is negative about everything, horrible to me, disrespectful to DH, doesn't listen etc. DH has said he has had enough.

[Flisspaps]

You won't scar him for life.

It serves him right for snooping. Regardless of any issues, you are entitled to privacy. I hope you get the right support for him re the other concerns

[Newmummyagain2018]

Yes, have changed the passcode and he will not be allowed on it again but it means I will literally have to hide it away as he takes it from my bag. I also banned the TV yesterday as fed up with his attitude and need to tighten up on discipline.

[Newmummyagain2018]

Do you honestly not think he is scarred for life? Do you think he will forget what he has read? I hope to goodness he didn't read more than one but probably he did. It does feel like a massive invasion of privacy and DH is really upset (he's fed up with DS's attitude already). Just trying to put on a brave face and carry on. What else can I do?

[NotTakenUsername]

The tail is wagging the dog here. You have no reason to feel bad so long as the content was legal. He has just earned the answer ‘no’ to any future requests to use your phone, hasn’t he... hasn’t he?

What’s done is done. He won’t forget though, this will be a forever memory.

[PurpleCrowbar]

I'd be saying 'ds, my phone is private & you are not allowed to touch it. Ever. I might have let you play games etc on it occasionally prior to this, but you evidently cannot be trusted not to read my messages, which you are old enough to know are not your business, so where we go from here is that you just don't touch my phone. I don't need to apologise to you for ANYTHING that is on my phone. Because it's my phone & it's private.'

Unless you were swapping fantasies of kitten stomping or something, he has no business being cross about the content of your private messages.

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be pandering to this for a moment.

[Flisspaps]

It's a forever memory yes, but that's not the same as scarred for life.

It's sexy texts, not witnessing a murder.

[Newmummyagain2018]

Nottaken, the content, was legal, of course, but just graphic (on DH"s part more than mine) and it must've been horrible for him to read. No idea why he went into my whatsapp.

Do you not think he'll forget?

[Glaciferous]

He shouldn't be taking it from your bag at all, never mind snooping on private conversations. Whether or not he has his own device, he needs to ask permission to use someone else's private property.

It sounds like he is unhappy. He probably feels insecure about the baby. How about a spot of lovebombing? After you have had a serious talk with him about boundaries and what is appropriate with regards to other people's property, that is.

[Newmummyagain2018]

No, the texts were just DH saying what he would like to do to me (and vice versa). Cringe.