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Parenting

Leaving baby

53 replies

BabyPufflingMumna · 22/04/2018 19:40

I am a first time mum to DS who is 4 months old. He was born prematurely and is BF and still feeding every 2 hours. It’s been tough as my other half is not supportive and we argue lots. Recently he has said that I need to start leaving the baby with him more and that it’s a sign of PND that I don’t want to leave DS.
I have left him for a couple of hours on one occasion but have no desire to be away from him. I say I would like time for a bath and a nap without having to go out and he says it’s not healthy that I don’t want to leave my son.
I guess I would like to know if it’s worrying that I don’t want to leave the baby yet. At what point should I worry that it’s not healthy wanting to be with him all the time?

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JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/04/2018 19:45

God, I was barely apart from mine from months, I think it’s totally normal. Where does DH get his view from? Does he have much experience of parenting?

AssassinatedBeauty · 22/04/2018 19:48

I think you're totally normal, especially with a premature baby. Both my children were in special care when they were born (not prem) and when I got home with them I didn't want to be apart from them for a long time!

Other than the incorrect suggestion of PND, what other issue does he have with you just being happy to be with your baby?

BabyPufflingMumma · 22/04/2018 19:48

No he doesn’t have any experience of parenting. I don’t know where he gets the idea from but he manages to make me feel like I’m going Crazy and should just fix up and go out without DS. I do plenty out and about with baby but I’m not ready to leave him with anyone yet

Chottie · 22/04/2018 19:55

I didn't leave my baby with anyone until I stopped BF (9 months) and then it was only with my mum. You need to feel comfortable and so does your LO.

In your place, I would just tell OH that you will leave LO when you feel ready and not before. If OH goes on about PND, I would tell him he doesn't know what he is talking about and you are not listening anymore.

gingerbreadbiscuits · 22/04/2018 19:56

10 months, a year, 2 years. I don’t know when it becomes worrying but certainly not at 4 months. You need to be around for bf anyway.

Popadoodledoo · 22/04/2018 19:57

My eldest is 3 and I haven't had a lone bath since then I also have a 9 month old to add to that pile now.

Believe me when they're older you will wish you could be apart from them

Popadoodledoo · 22/04/2018 19:59

Honestly though my ds2 is 9 month old and still ebf, only in the last month have I started leaving him with my husband for an hour maybe 2 at most a few days a week. Because he can go without milk for that long now and I feel comfortable leaving him at that age.

You leave baby when you feel ready. There's no time limit and there's no wrong or right.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/04/2018 20:00

Also has it not occurred to him that Mother Nature has sort of designed the baby to want to be with you and you to be with the baby so that it would have had the best chance of survival, and probably still does

Next time your DH comes out with one of his interesting theories, I’d ask him where he gets his ideas from.

Moominfan · 22/04/2018 20:03

Maybe clumsy approach at saying he wants to be more involved with baby?

Mamabear1475 · 22/04/2018 20:04

I didn't leave my daughter until she was 6mo. Me and dh went out on a date. 5 minutes away. We were out for just over an hour and my dm called to say baby had been screaming since we left and could we come back. Put me off going out again. But she will have to get used to it soon because I am going back to work in a month and a half

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/04/2018 20:08

Maybe clumsy approach at saying he wants to be more involved with baby? that had occurred to me too. Does he do anything with the baby now? Is he in early enough to Bath LO in the evening?

BabyPufflingMumma · 22/04/2018 20:11

Thank you all, I haven’t posted before so it’s great to get some good support! I will ask where he gets the theory from. I’m sure it’s just another way to put me down! He goes out all the time so thinks that’s ok. It’s more of a struggle getting him to be around so is it any wonder I don’t trust him!

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 20:11

Firstly YANBU, baby is still very young. Absolutely fine if you want to, especially if you can express/are formula feeding, but not an issue I would force just yet.

It’s been tough as my other half is not supportive and we argue lots. Recently he has said that I need to start leaving the baby with him more and that it’s a sign of PND that I don’t want to leave DS.

I can’t marry these two together. How can he be not supportive but also noticing that something isn’t quite right with you and offering you time completely away from the headfuck that is raising an ebf newborn?

It might be clumsy, but the offer of support is there.

BellyBean · 22/04/2018 20:13

Dd is 8mo and I've only left her in the day 3 times and only after 6mo when she started taking bottles.

BabyPufflingMumma · 22/04/2018 20:26

*I can’t marry these two together. How can he be not supportive but also noticing that something isn’t quite right with you and offering you time completely away from the headfuck that is raising an ebf newborn?
*
I don’t think anything is wrong with me. He is telling me I need to be away from DS when I don’t want to be. He doesn’t listen when I say I want help with baby so I can nap etc just wants to tell me there is something wrong...

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/04/2018 20:38

Does he often tell you that there is something wrong with you or try to undermine your confidence?

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 20:40

Did you argue at all before the baby?

ChocolateRaisin · 22/04/2018 20:49

My baby is 4.5 months old. I have no desire to leave her, you are totally normal.

Lilymossflower · 22/04/2018 20:50

Omg there is literally nothing wrong with you

He just wants to control you and using the PND line is a serious thing , abusers and gas lighters do it.

I would start writing down in a small notebook (keep hidden) EVERY time he uses the PND line on you, or ANYTHING similar, because I can tell you you are absolulty normal to want to be stuck to your baby .

It's natural maternal instincts.

Keep aware, keep note and. Always question what he says, never yourself.

BabyPufflingMumma · 22/04/2018 20:59

Does he often tell you that there is something wrong with you or try to undermine your confidence?
I feel like he tell me that I have problems and I'm depressed when I absolutely am not. I spoke to GP etc because he keeps saying it. I only get sad because he is unreasonable, wont help enough with DS and then tells me it's not healthy that I don't leave him! Then when I'm exhausted and finally cry to him he says I'm dramatic.

did you argue at all before the baby
Not majorly before I got pregnant. Then it seemed that anytime I was emotional once I was expecting he didn't understand and got upset with me. It was a rough pregnancy and he kept saying it was all me then and that's when the arguments started. Now he says he doesn't know why he was like that but can't change it now and then tells me I'm depressed because I don't think I'm ready to leave the baby yet. I'm just at the point where I'm loosing the plot!

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 21:04

Yes it does sound like he is being unreasonable. But if you can’t stand up to him then a bit of counselling (NOT couples counselling, solo only) might be very good for you to find your backbone and get him to shape up or piss off.

To coin a mn favourite, “what is the point of him?”

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/04/2018 01:16

Undermining you, not helping with the baby and getting angry at you being emotional, then telling you you're not normal for not wanting to be separated from your baby is not an offer of "support".

This is one symptom of his poor behaviour in your relationship. That's what needs to change, not what you do.

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Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 01:23

As I lay here with my 8 year old beside me who rarely is without me, I’d say it’s petfectly healthy to want to be with your son. And the insistence that you leave the baby with him send alarm bells ringing. ‘I’ll watch baby while you have a nice bath’ ‘do you want me to get him dressed while you get ready’ helpful and loving but insisting you leave baby with him is odd

NotTakenUsername · 23/04/2018 07:27

As I lay here with my 8 year old beside me who rarely is without me

Don’t they go to school? Do you home school? I think it’s very healthy by 8 to have time together and apart.

Greenyogagirl · 23/04/2018 11:06

It was 1.23am at that time!
Home educate but trying to get him a school place. A bit different as he has disabilities and is mentally younger.
I do think too much pressure is put on mums, what mums should be doing at what times etc as long as mum and baby are happy that’s what’s important

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