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Partner Not Helping With Baby

(26 Posts)
Spamii08 Sun 22-Apr-18 07:56:49

My baby boy was born on 13/03/18.
He’s now 6 weeks old Tuesday.
My partner is a green keeper on a golf course so he starts work at 5/6 & gets up an hour before his start times & then finishes about 2:30.

I am on maternity leave until December this year. I’m 26 & since I was 12 I have suffered with heart problems & currently under the care of a cardiologist.
Whilst I was pregnant my urge to clean got really bad & since having my baby I think it’s because I’m a little depressed & cleaning is the only way I can relax..

I’m feeling that my partner really doesn’t help me, I do all the cleaning & the washing.
He does the cooking but to be honest for the last few weeks we’ve barely had a cooked meal!!, takeaways & McDonald’s lol!!.
We are constantly arguing, I get up to do the night feeds every night during the week which yes that’s fair enough he’s got to be up early etc!, he does work some weekends also. But is it to much to ask that during the night sometimes he helps out, especially when he can hear the baby screaming his head off whilst I’m downstairs making his bottle!!..
He will go to bed latest about 11, then will have a full nights sleep then when he’s home the next day he constantly goes on about how bloody tired he is!!!!.
I bath the baby @ 9pm then do a feed after this, so by the time I get into bed it’s about 11ish then it’s time for another feed at 1am but baby stirs & moans an hour before every bottle.
He has colic and acid reflux.
So I’m getting about 4 hours sleep a night.
As I’m making sure baby is burped properly before I put him back into his crib as he is very sick and has a lot of wind!!!.

The arguing is getting to the point now where I am considering asking the doctor for antidepressants, I just feel down every day & it’s completely ruining my experience as a new mother.
I feel ill almost everyday, high blood pressure, headaches & c section scar is still hurting!!.
I just don’t know wether I’m asking to much of him, but what I do know is that I’m struggling & not getting the support I need even though I constantly ask for it!
How hard is it after he’s walked the dog to clean his paws so he doesn’t get my just cleaned floor dirty or when he’s had breakfast put the dishes into the dishwasher crikey the list goes on!!!.
Help!! I need advice, considering calling it a day & going it alone!!
Also I should mention my partner plays football every other Wednesday & goes to watch football whenever his team are at home !!!!

53rdWay Sun 22-Apr-18 08:37:13

You’re not asking too much of him, and it isn’t him ‘helping’ you to do his share of parenting, because he’s as much the baby’s parent as you are. It would just be him doing his share. Like him putting his plates in the dishwasher isn’t something he should do as a favour to you, he should do it because he’s an adult who lives in the house.

Suggest you both agree a time to have a serious discussion with him about who’s doing what and how you’re feeling (mentally and physically). Better chance of having a constructive conversation rather than an argument if you plan it in advance rather than just waiting until you’re furious.

If you’ve tried that and tried explaining that you’re feeling strongly enough about this that you’re thinking of leaving, and he still wants to be a lazy arse who treats you like a servant, well, then there’s your answer I’m afraid. It’s shit but you can’t make him act decently. But hopefully he’ll see sense before then.

thethoughtfox Sun 22-Apr-18 08:48:38

You are not asking too much.

tinykirst Sun 22-Apr-18 08:50:50

I know how you feel!

My partner is a fantastic dad... when it suits him and when my lo is happy. Men just don't see it the way we do. When a couple has a baby everything changes for the woman, hardly anything changes for the man.

My lo is 6 months and I've never had a proper nights sleep OR a lie in! He never gets up through the night or offers to get up in the morning. My partner is just starting to do some little things to help out like cooking and washing the pots.. (Things they should do all the time anyway but that's a different rant ...)
He works all week and plays cricket so a few nights of the week he's late home and now on a Saturday he's out all day too. We live miles away from my family so I barely know anyone in the town as well!
It's definitely difficult but all you can do is try talking to him and showing him how upset it's making you and how hard it is being a new mum!
Maybe when he's at home try going out for the day or evening? (I still barely do this as well... I class a shower as a break! Ha!)
And biggest tip that I've started to take on board is don't worry about the house! I would try and be super mum and get everything done.. but don't. It's hard to see the mess but eventually they get the idea that they need to help out more. Spend the day just enjoying your baby.

It's definitely hard work but they get it eventually (I'm still hoping!) when you stop doing things for them, they just need training up wink xxx

53rdWay Sun 22-Apr-18 09:01:07

Men just don't see it the way we do.

Plenty of men do. It’s not a ‘man’ thing, it’s a ‘lazy arse’ thing. Don’t let them off the book because awww poor men they don’t know any better!

pastabest Sun 22-Apr-18 09:11:50

Yes so much of that is annoying and sadly very normal for a lot of new parents as they get their heads round the new way if life.

There shouldn't be any reason, particularly if you aren't breastfeeding why when your partner can't have the baby in the afternoon for a bit when he gets back from work so you can get some sleep. Everything seems so much worse and bigger when you are sleep deprived, it might be worth pointing that out to him.

You do have some issues to tackle with him and he absolutely does need to step up more but at the same time you have a six week old baby and it also sounds like you have set your expectations slightly high about what you should be achieving during the day at the moment.

So a few questions, why are you bathing the baby at 9pm at night? Are you doing this every night!?

I also get the impression from your post you are feeding at set times during the night? I would suggest that if your baby is stirring and moaning for an hour before you feed him at 1 it might be worth trying to feed him when he first stirs instead. You might find that he then goes straight back to sleep, and then so can you. I also had a very windy colicky baby and I remember the hell that was trying to get wind up before I put them back down during the night. I dozed off sat upright on a number of occasions.

Have you tried gripe water/ infacol to try and help with the colic?

xamyrose Sun 22-Apr-18 09:22:25

The early days are so hard. I had a C-section to and the recovery is tough and I did everything to as DH was at work. (He also decided to work every Saturday which he never did prior to or now does) and I know he did this because he found going to work easier... which it is!!

You’ll both get through this time, once your little one is in more of a routine in a couple of months time and your both in the swing of things thing will change.

Acid reflux and colic is also hard!!

Remember to look after yourself x

Fundays12 Sun 22-Apr-18 09:29:47

You not being unreasonable at all you are both parents. You both need rest if he has a weekend off you need to put your foot down and tell him you are sleeping through in the other room tonight and he is dealing with the baby then you will lie in and the next night he can do the same so you both get a rest.

TammySwansonTwo Sun 22-Apr-18 09:35:32

Trust me on this, you have to have a serious discussion about this now because it will only breed resentment and anger.

My DH was pretty good from the outset - he would help with night feeds or sometimes do them all, but we had twins and I was pumping so without his help I would have never slept. However, he’d never do laundry, never make up bottles, would walk past a sink full of empty bottles and it wouldn’t occur to him to wash them up for example. If their clothes were wet, I’d have to find him clean ones because he didn’t know what sizes etc they wore. The times he took care of them he would just look after them and never do all the other stuff I had to do while taking care of them. He would say “if you need help just ask me” which would massively wind me up, because it wasn’t help, it was his job too.

Over time I Explained that I needed him to be more proactive - open his eyes, see something that needed to be done and do it without me asking. It took a long time for this to sink in but he’s much better now.

He absolutely needs to carry some of the load at night. Your job is tiring too, and you don’t get to finish at 2:30. He also needs to actually cook if that’s his responsibility.

You need to make a list of everything that needs to be done (laundry, washing up, cleaning, cooking, making bottles, meal planning, food shopping, managing and buying clothes and other things the baby needs) and work out how you can manage them between you

MarthasGinYard Sun 22-Apr-18 09:38:45

I wish mums would stop referring to 'helping' when talking about their OH's parenting, or lack of.

Tell him exactly how you feel. Maybe a chat with HV you sound a little low.

pinkyredrose Sun 22-Apr-18 09:42:54

tinykirst I'm sorry that your expectations of men are so low.

tinykirst Sun 22-Apr-18 10:04:39

@pinkyredrose it's not that my expectations are 'low, rather that they are just realistic.
For the women who have a partner that does equally as much as they do then congratulations, you're a 'lucky' one. But for many of us our partners just need a little extra push sometimes. That doesn't mean that they are bad partners, bad people or bad fathers. They will have plenty more qualities that make up for it. It's been this way for generations. Plenty of men will find it difficult in the first year but will be amazing in the following years. This poor girl is already feeling fed up and at a vulnerable time. I'd hate for her to feel like she's the only one in that position. What's the better alternative? To cause more arguments and potentially ruin their relationship? The best that you can do is to forget about all the housework and to focus on yourself and your baby. Like I said, they eventually get it when they've got no clean pots or clothes grin

pinkyredrose Sun 22-Apr-18 10:46:34

I don't think women who's partners do equal parenting are 'lucky'. That's how it should be!

MarthasGinYard Sun 22-Apr-18 10:49:01

'you're a 'lucky' one.'

I don't consider myself 'lucky' that my DP parents equally.

How odd

Smeddum Sun 22-Apr-18 10:53:09

My partner is a fantastic dad

My lo is 6 months and I've never had a proper nights sleep OR a lie in! He never gets up through the night or offers to get up in the morning. My partner is just starting to do some little things to help out like cooking and washing the pots.. (Things they should do all the time anyway but that's a different rant ...)
He works all week and plays cricket so a few nights of the week he's late home and now on a Saturday he's out all day too.

He’s done quite a job on you hasn’t he? Because those two statements don’t belong in the same comment.

Men just don't see it the way we do

Decent ones do.

OP It’s not help, it’s parenting. The amount of women I see on here joking about men helping or training them up make me want to cry. You are both his parents, it’s not just down to you to do it all. If he says it is, he’s wrong.

tinykirst Sun 22-Apr-18 11:36:00

@Smeddum not really.. I was trying to be supportive instead of just listing how fantastic my partner is and how she should ditch hers because he's the worst.... all I was saying was that she isn't the only one. My partner IS a fantastic dad. They can be good dads without doing all the housework and night feeds etc? I'm bf anyway so there's no point in mine getting up in the night... but when my lo was younger he'd help shush and rock him when he was colicky, he's been so emotionally supportive the whole time, helping me to feel like I am doing my best and keeping me going when I've found things hard.

But apparently because our partners don't do an equal share of housework they're the worst...

My posts were meant to be lighthearted and supportive... ha!

Smeddum Sun 22-Apr-18 11:39:09

They can be good dads without doing all the housework and night feeds etc?

Can they be without doing any of it? Which is what you said in your post. IMO no, they can’t. And I really, really project to men parenting or being a proper partner as “helping” because that implies it’s the woman’s responsibility and he is somehow doing her a favour by “helping”.

Smeddum Sun 22-Apr-18 11:39:23

Object not project.

MarthasGinYard Sun 22-Apr-18 11:41:49

'but when my lo was younger he'd help shush and rock him when he was colicky,'

Sad that is even on your radar to have made note of.

Would he have made the above statement about you?

MarthasGinYard Sun 22-Apr-18 11:48:03

I just see so much of this 'helping out' shite on here lately, and find it really sad just how grateful some women sound for the tiniest crumb of normality.

Smeddum Sun 22-Apr-18 11:50:25

@MarthasGinYard you have explained it far better than I managed! Yes, that sums it up for me. The implication that we are to be grateful for the tiniest act of “help” when in actual fact the reality should be that parenting is teamwork between partners, not one “helping” the other.

And don’t even get me started on men who “babysit” their own children!

Fireballfriends Sun 22-Apr-18 12:07:38

Honestly, who the fuck are all these men who can't function at work without 8 hours solid sleep every night for the rest of their lives? It's totally pathetic. Bet they'd sacrifice some sleep if it was for 3 hours of sex every night....

flowers for you OP. If you can't get through to him would it be worth involving a third party on your behalf eg health visitor/GP//mental health professional?? Or a friend/family member he respects? You shouldn't have to deal with this top of anajor operation and all the other issues.

Fireballfriends Sun 22-Apr-18 12:08:14


mindutopia Sun 22-Apr-18 14:06:13

Yes, he should be helping you. With our first, my dh was up for every night feed helping me until she dropped them at 9 months. Literally every feed, both when I was bf (he did the changing and helped with settling after) and ff (he got the bottle). He also did baths and in the first couple months took our dd in the evenings so I could go to sleep. He did this despite working full time plus starting a business in evenings and weekends. Our 2nd is 9 weeks and it’s been much the same (though I’m bf so I don’t need help with feeds per se, but he’s the one who gets up in the night with our older one, gets up with her in the morning, does breakfast, packs her school bag, does the school run if I can’t). He does all that while working more than full time hours in our family business. It’s totally possible and normal for parenting to be shared when your partner isn’t a lazy asshole. It sounds like you need to demand that he steps up to the plate.

qumquat Tue 24-Apr-18 07:38:54

He's being a selfish arse. A lot of other dads are selfish arses too; that doesn't make it any more acceptable. Is there someone else who could have the baby for a little bit so you two could sit down and talk things through?

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