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2 under 2, please give me some words of support

(20 Posts)
Namechangemum100 Wed 18-Apr-18 12:01:28

Dc2 is 3 days old, Dc1 is 14 months...baby is a typical newborn as to be expected, but I am in absolute melt down, I feel terribly guilty for the time that is being taken from Dc1, I'm so worried about how I will cope when dh goes back to work.

I have terrible guilt over not breast feeding and am so engorged I'm in absolute agony.

I had awful anxiety when Dc1 was born, and I know it eventually passed, but this is so much harder, what if I can't cope.

Please tell me it will get better and I'll survive. Please.

SpartacusTheCat Wed 18-Apr-18 14:28:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Matilda1981 Wed 18-Apr-18 14:33:03

Mine are 18 months apart and are now 6 and 4 - I can’t really remember the early days apart from the fact that they were pretty horrific, dull and repetitive!!! It doesn’t take long before things get easier and they’re both at school!! They are best of friends now and they are so easy - they are at the same stage in life pretty much so are into the same things, they play so well together it’s unbelievable - my life is so easy now as they entertain themselves most of the time - I sometimes feel I should do more but they’re quite happy together!! It does get better and when it does it’s great. I’m now pregnant with number 3 and am now concerned I’m going to possible have 4 so the youngest will have a play mate!!

Namechangemum100 Wed 18-Apr-18 15:10:00

Thank you for your words of advice, everything and anything is helpful to me at the moment.

Of course I have known throughout my pregnancy that a 14 month gap was not going to be a walk in the park, but so many things have hit me out of nowhere that I hadn't thought about it.

Dc1 being the main thing, as I feel like having a newborn and her being so young had made me fall in love with her all over again, so I'm craving both of them all the time and cry even just looking at them.

I'm also crippled with fear that dC2 will have colic because I have failed to breast feed him. Dd didn't have colic but I would worry how this would impact her and it breaks my heart. I failed with DD due to flat nipples, thought I had itnsussed this time...turns out no. Hense the horrendous engorgement which I am.praying will pass quickly.

Argh, my head just feels like it is exploding with worry.

Foxanddana Thu 19-Apr-18 13:36:29

I felt exactly the same as you when I had my dd2. I felt explosive with anxiety and guilt. From the moment I woke up. And exactly the same when I had dd3!! But as you say, it passes. Because the thing is, yes, your older child is missing out when you have a second child. That’s correct. BUT, they are gaining SO much more. You just can’t see it now because you have a newborn with not a lot to offer to their older sibling (and is a disproportionly massive drain on your time and energy). But this will change. And it won’t be long before your running round the park after your toddler with your baby in the sling and further ahead, when they are playing together for hours and you thank your lucky stars you didn’t have the standard 3 year age gap.

Foxanddana Thu 19-Apr-18 13:41:42

In the meantime try and enjoy the early days. Get your DH to take out your toddler leaving you some time to chill with your baby, have a bath etc. And when your toddler returns you can sit down with just them,read some stories,play a little bit. You will cope when he returns to work. It will be different. But it will be okay. And yes,your toddler will get a little bit more ignored at times,but really, that’s okay! Having a newborn is a very intense and difficult time,which passes soon enough.

Foxanddana Thu 19-Apr-18 13:44:04

...and don’t worry about the breastfeeding!!! It really doesn’t matter.your baby is being fed and that’s all that counts. And most babies have some colic,breastfed or not!

KadabrasSpoon Thu 19-Apr-18 13:44:30

I have the same gap as you. Not going to lie those early days were hard! But now they are 2 and 3 in some ways it's easier than a bigger gap because they have the same routine and play well together.
To get through this bit - I found getting out each day helped me even if just a short buggy walk to the shops. Lots of attention to the older one and praise any good behaviour towards baby. Also try and nd give impression of fairness e.g. if you're saying "wait whilst I feed baby" say to baby " wait whilst I read toddler a story" Sounds bonkers but really seemed to help.
It'll get bether I promise

backsackcraic Thu 19-Apr-18 13:48:27

Just take each day as it comes. Don't set your targets too high. I had 18 months between mine and I wish I'd relaxed and enjoyed them instead of trying to be superwoman and keep a clean tidy house etc. As long as your babies are fed and clean and loved anything after that is a bonus. Some days I didn't manage to get dressed!

Don't worry about the future, enjoy the here and now x

Ohforfoxsakereturns Thu 19-Apr-18 13:49:24

My two boys are 14 months apart. I still feel a twinge of guilt from the moment DS1 met DS2, he suddenly seemed like a massive toddler.

You have two babies now, and it’s hard work. I look back and think ‘fuck me, how did I do that?’ But you know what? It’s OK. You will be fine.

Practically it’s a double buggy, two high chairs, but they will adopt a similar routine. You’ll have time with DC1. There’s a lot of cuddling and reading on the sofa.

The key is to be prepared. Have snacks and a book ready, you have a child on each need (you’ve a while of constant physical contact with someone clinging on). A playpen is a god send. Put the older baby in there, strap the baby in the car seat and go for a poo. A shower if you can. Be kind to yourself. At least aim to shower and clean your teeth daily. Stock up on loungewear. Be kind to yourself. Do your food shopping online. Aim to go for a walk every day. Be kind to yourself.

I had another 20 months later, so it couldn’t have been that bad could it?

Please remember you are
On Day 3 post natal. It is the shittiest day. Adrenaline gone, tiredness setting in, engorged, oh it’s awful.

It is going to get better.

My two are 15 and 16 now. I have 6 years of GCSEs and A levels. Didn’t think that one through now did I? wink

(I’d give you a hug but it’s squash your tits and hurt.)

SpartacusTheCat Thu 19-Apr-18 14:18:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namechangemum100 Thu 19-Apr-18 14:50:39

Thank you everyone, I've really needed it today.

Practically 0 sleep last night as ds seems to be nocturnal, which I know will pass however with DD up at 530 it was a bit of a killer.

My biggest fear without andoubt is just how I will cope with the 2 of them when dh goes back to work. DD was an early walker, so she is up and about most of the time and I'm so worried about how to keep her safe. I know it sounds silly, I just worry that I will be feeding or attending tonds, and DD will slip or trip or something similar and hurt herself and it will be my fault. Or in my darkest thoughts that she will dash off in a carpark...my head is just mush at the moment 😭

Sorry, I know I am just rambling, my dh is amazing and so supportive, but I have no family, no one has even asked how I am since he was born, so I feel very much alone sometimes and in need of an extra hand hold. Thank God for mumsnet ❤️

Namechangemum100 Thu 19-Apr-18 14:51:06

Oh, but on a positive the encouragement has passed...wow that was brutal!

Ohforfoxsakereturns Thu 19-Apr-18 14:53:23

You’re really vulnerable today.

Don’t worry about anything, not today. Take a breath.

It will be alright x

KT63 Thu 19-Apr-18 14:55:59

Handhold here! Mine are nearly 5 and 4 now, but I well remember (or actually I don’t which speaks volumes!) the early days.

It does get easier (cliched but true) and basically anything that makes life easier is your friend. Bottle feeding, letting housework slide, grabbing sleep where you can, letting go of guilt (you’re not letting anyone down, I promise!) and easy meals, even if that means microwave meals or the odd takeaway.

It’s fucking knackering having 2 so close (11 months between mine) but it’s also bloody wonderful!

Namechangemum100 Sat 21-Apr-18 17:18:03

Thank you everyone for all your replies. I really do hope you are all right and things get easier, although I know it's not going to be an overnight process.

Right now im just trying to make it through each day without having too much of a panic. Dh and I took DD and Ds to the park this morning, dh ran around after her whilst I fed ds and it took all my will power not to burst into tears in fear of how on Earth I would do it without him here. I knew 2 under 2 was going to be a challenge, but woah, it feel like the world just became an utterly terrifying place to be.

ferriswheel Sat 21-Apr-18 17:26:27

I had 3 under 2! You will be fine. Will post more later.

Babdoc Sat 21-Apr-18 17:43:29

Don’t panic, you will manage fine! I had 16 months between mine, and my DH died when the younger was only 11 months. We got through it, and they’re both now grown up.
A few tips that might be useful:
Try reading a story to DC1 while feeding DC 2, so you can keep an eye on both of them. Get toddler reins for DC1 so they can safely walk beside DC2’s pram, with no risk of them running into the road while you have your hands full.
Get into the routine of a daily walk or trip to the park - anything to get you out of the house for some fresh air and exercise. It will help the kids sleep better, and improve your morale, rather than be trapped in the house.
Get a playpen, so you have a safe place to put one or both when you need to go to the loo or answer the door. Put fun toys in it, so they like to be in there and won’t see it as a prison.
Drop your standards for domestic chores. You will be knackered looking after the kids - don’t beat yourself up because you haven’t dusted the bookcase or whatever!
Make extra portions of favourite meals and freeze in batches, so you have some quick easy dinners for nights when you’re just exhausted or ran out of time to cook.
Ask for help. If you have any relatives nearby, rope them in to give a hand. Meet up with other mums for a chat and some moral support.
Finally, believe in yourself and just do what you can. Don’t sweat the small stuff, don’t try to be Ms Perfect Mummy - there’s no such person!
Good luck, OP. God bless.

Namechangemum100 Sat 21-Apr-18 18:45:23

Gosh @babdoc that puts things into perspective, how awful that must have been for you and what an amazing person you are.

Thank you for all your advice, I really am trying to take it all in. I spent so much time reading similar threads throughout my pregnancy with Ds, however now my time has come everything I read has gone out of the window, so these reminders and words of encouragement are really helpful.

I have actually contacted an x counselor of mine this evening from a few years ago who I saw about other anxiety related issues, as I think I could do with a bit of emotional support to work through some of my feelings. I think my level of anxiety over DD safety, my obsession over her sleep and already ds (even though he is 6 days old) just isn't normal, and I can feel myself spiraling.

I want to be a good mum to my children, I want to keep them safe and make them happy, and I find myself doubting my abilities more and more each day.

ferriswheel Sat 21-Apr-18 20:12:38

Yeah, i threw my h out when mine were 1, 2 and 3. But easier without him.

Floor wipes buys a few days grace in the kitchen.
Always empty the bin before it needs it.
Tesco visit is a day out.
Sit in the car and sleep if they are asleep when you arrive so.ewhere.
Make a packed lunch for you and your eldest at breakfast time.
Even better feed your eldest their main meal at lunchtime. Gets it out of the way.
Be selfish about visitors and friends.
Routine finds itself eventually. If you cant see an obvious rhythm to the day dont panic.
Plan your day around your eldest making sure he is tired and fit for sleep at night time.
Peppa Pig is your friend, i didnt do much story time. I was too exhausted.
Do one housie job every second day when you can.
Give yourself time out. Literally. Before i finally got him to move out things were very stressful. Id go and sit on my own bed instead of losong the plot.
Large clear plastic boxes for toy storage.
Only one box out at a time.
Soap bags for extra changing things when out and about.

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