3.5year old toddler tantrum ruining our marriage

[Foreverstressed28]

Our 3.5 year old is going through a tantrum phase. I confess she's probably been spoilt as thus far we've taken the gentle parenting approach of trying to give her what she wants through compromise and options but she's at a stage now where you can't say no to her without it turning into a flipping melt down. My husband has a really low stress tolerance and panics when the kids are panicking or being bratty. This results in us arguing while DD is also tantrum.

My questions are

1. how do you deal with a 3.5 year old who doesn't accept no. Let them cry?
   
   
2. how do I explain to my husband that it's not good for a child to see their parents argue? Any official/research based readings are much appreciated.
   
   
3. is this just a phase? Or is she just going to tantrum her way through childhood? I honestly don't think I can do it

[thethoughtfox]

It's normal stage appropriate behaviour. The Danish call these the boundary years cause it it their job to try to work out how the world works by finding out what the boundaries are and repeatedly testing them to see if this is a rule about the world they can believe in. They also don't have impulse control and feel everything really strongly. You need to be consistent with boundaries and routines; when she is distressed, put into words how she is feeling and that you understand ie You feel disappointed because Mummy won't let you poke the cat / have a biscuit or whatever; offer a hug ( it is surprising how often they want one even when they seem they hate you; if they don't want one, tell them you love them and will stay with them while they are upset.

[thethoughtfox]

PS I read every parenting book going and these are the tips that worked

[Mrswalliams1]

I've just gone pass that phase. I let them throw a tantrum for a min or two and totally ignore them. They either come to me for a hug after this time or I pick them up for a cuddle and we chat about it. That worked 99% of the time. It's hard though.

[Rarotonga]

My ds is only just one so I don't have any experience to share, but I have been listening to the Janet Lansbury podcast, Unruffled, and she talks about tantrums a lot. It might be worth checking out. She really calms me down when I listen to her.

I would highly recommend the Sarah Ockwell Smith book on gentle discipline too. I have it on audible and am listening to it at the moment.

[KatyN]

The tantrums are going to happen because they are a normal development so you need to make a plan with your husband. Discuss it and agree steps to take when she’s asleep.
I don’t know official research but I’d she thinks you might not be on the same side as each other she’ll push you in turn until one gives in.

If he can’t cope with the noise maybe you need to set the boundaries for a couple of days. Once your daughter knows how you deal with tantrums your husband can step in and follow your lead.

K

[Makingworkwork]

I am a little confused by your post if you have followed gentle parenting (acknowledged emotions, set boundaries and given appropriate natural consequences) or just given in and let your daughter have what she wants? If you are confused about how to deal with things then your HV is a good person to talk to. I like the parenting book ‘how to talk so little children listen’.

Parents arguing will be stressful so google the impact of stress hormones on brain development. Children also learn how all their future relationship will work, romantic relationships and all relationships based on what you model for them now.

You DD is only a child and is not the cause of problems in your relationship. It is your and husband inability to manage stressful situations and agree on the way forward which is causing problems in your relationship.

[KoshaMangsho]

Surely it depends on the tantrum and the situation. I would personally say ‘no’ firmly and ignore. Make a cup of tea, read a book and occasionally say ‘would you like a hug to calm down?’ And when calm later I would say ‘I want you to remember that a no is a no and we said no to x because...and crying and shouting won’t make a no into a yes. Do you get that?’ And rinse and repeat day in and day out.
Negotiating and explaining to small children midst tantrum backfires. And sometimes they have to learn that a no is a no.
You can acknowledge their feelings and say, are you cross? Or did that make you feel bad and would you like a hug? And still not give in. And if it’s one of those ‘I am shrieking because I know it always works’ tantrums I would ignore.

[MinnieMousse]

Both my DC had a lot of tantrums. It's very normal. DD1 we could just ignore her and be somewhere nearby and she would usually stop quite quickly.

DD2 was something else. She had the worst tantrums from about 18 months pretty much until 5. Nothing would calm her down. I had to sit with her somewhere dark (if we were at home) until it blew over. Sometimes a distraction like calming music would help. Sometimes she wanted a hug. I never gave in to her but I must admit I tried to get around saying an outright no to her sometimes to avoid a tantrum by offering an alternative or distraction.

[DanielW]

No, its called SIN