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Can't cope with my 18 month old anymore. Called social services today.

(84 Posts)
charlottexox Tue 13-Mar-18 12:10:51

I have an 18 month old DD & I am currently 11 weeks pregnant with my second baby, so I wouldn't be surprised if anyone comments saying "you're just hormonal woman!"
Basically, very recently my DD has been smacking, hitting, scratching and screaming at me. She can't really say a lot so I suppose she resorts to taking her frustration out in those sorts of ways.
She throws toys and I am constantly telling her off. I do praise her for the good she does like; lying down nicely and patiently while I do a nappy change, eating all of her tea and helping me put her toys away at bed time.
But I have found myself recently shouting at her more and more for doing things that are bad.
She shows 0 affection towards me but will show it towards grandparents and her dad, sometimes even strangers!

Today is the first day in months someone has taken her from me for the day. My partner and I do not live together and he works 5 days a week; so I am left alone with her every day during the week. Although, he is a fantastic help on the weekends, I do sometimes wonder if I need that extra support on a weekday.

Once my in laws had left with her this morning, I curled up on the sofa and sobbed uncontrollably for half an hour until I reached for my mobile to call social services.
The woman on the phone was fantastic and gave me some resources to look at, like children's centres to go to. But I still don't think that'll be enough to help me.
I am currently on anti depressants and have been since the age of 18 (now 24.)
Although, I know this isn't normal thinking - I have thought about ending my life but what stops me is the growing baby in my womb & my daughter. I have also had thoughts of just giving her away to social services or her dad, but I know she would forever question me as to why I did that and why I let my other baby stay with me and not her.
I am in absolute hell right now with how I feel and although I do love her, I feel as though she does not love me back.
Me and my partner are a fantastic team on the weekends, and he is absolutely my best friend. I'm just concerned with how I'm coping right now and how I will with a 2 year old and a new born.

Emelene Tue 13-Mar-18 12:15:42

Sounds like such a tough time OP. flowers Be kind to yourself, you obviously love your daughter very much. Have you been to the GP lately to update them with how you're feeling? Are you able to get any advice from the health visitor?

INeedNewShoes Tue 13-Mar-18 12:18:41

Don't underestimate how those pregnancy hormones can compound depression (or make you depressed if you are not already).

Well done for asking for help. You are very brave to have done so. There are schemes available to help parents who are struggling and hopefully these can be put in place quickly for you.

I was so depressed during my pregnancy that I feared that I wouldn't cope so I wrote down a list of all of the charities and available help out there so that it was to hand once the baby arrived. As it turned out, the minute my baby was born my depression lifted.

Please pick up the phone again today and make an appointment to see your GP. They may be able to adjust your medication, which might make more difference than you can currently imagine.

18 month olds are hard work but your daughter sounds like she does plenty of nice and good things as well as making things hard work. I wish she could show my 10 month old how to lie still for her nappy change! Your depression is making everything feel insurmountable, but with help you will get there.

My health visitor was brilliant when I was depressed during pregnancy. She came out to see me at home and spent an hour chatting through my thoughts and helping me plan to get through it.

charlottexox Tue 13-Mar-18 12:20:05

@Emelene actually, the lady on the phone today did recommend talking to my GP. It's just finding the strength to even call them. As for my HV no haven't contacted her, but have only met her once as I've just moved to a new area. She seemed nice but unsure of what she could suggest?

Willswife Tue 13-Mar-18 12:21:41

Would you be able to send her to nursery for a morning or two a week?

It is easier to cope with the tougher times if you know you have a bit of respite.

INeedNewShoes Tue 13-Mar-18 12:22:28

Your health visitor will be very well informed about what help is available to you as a parent (their specialist area is babies and children under the age of 5). They should support you through this. Find the number for your local team and give them a call.

Florene Tue 13-Mar-18 12:23:17

Contact Homestart - they can provide you with practical help and support.

www.home-start.org.uk

KarmaStar Tue 13-Mar-18 12:25:40

Hi OP,
I really sorry to read that life is so hard for you right now.
I don't have all the answers but I would say your daughter does love you,however much she plays up.
It is good that you have recognised that you are having difficulty coping so that you can get the help you need.
Can you go back to your g.p and ask for more help,maybe some counselling?if that would help.
Can you afford extra help on a regular basis from a child minder,nursery placement?
Have you any idea why she is being naughty?I mean is it when she is overly tired of has been told no?
Hopefully social services can be proactive and actually do something to help.
It will get better,life won't always be like this.
I'm sorry I can't offer any real help OP flowers

KimmySchmidt1 Tue 13-Mar-18 12:26:30

Sounds like you’re finding it really difficult. Why are you having another one so soon after the first? It seems like a real recipe for making everything much worse. Babies are always really really hard. Go easy on yourself but also make good decisions that don’t make everything worse.

charlottexox Tue 13-Mar-18 12:27:28

@INeedNewShoes I'm glad I'm not the only one who has felt depressed while being a mum.
I am going to call my HV this afternoon after I have been to the shop to pick up some lunch.
@Florene thank you for the information, I never thought about contacting home start actually. I will take a look at their website now.
@Willswife Hi, my DD will get her 2 year funding in September but I'm wondering if a nursery would allow me to put her in a bit earlier?

TheMShip Tue 13-Mar-18 12:27:57

HV is a gateway to all kinds of help. I'd definitely encourage you to contact them. brew for you. 18 months can be a tough age, and you're pregnant too! Be kind to yourself, as much as you can.

charlottexox Tue 13-Mar-18 12:28:54

@KimmySchmidt1 my second pregnancy was not planned and I was using the mini pill when I got caught. A termination is not something I wanted to put myself through.

64BooLane Tue 13-Mar-18 12:30:25

You sound like you’re having a really tough time. flowers

Your baby isn’t doing things that are “bad”, though, at 18 months old. Babies aren’t bad/naughty and their behaviour isn’t malicious. As for not showing you affection - obviously that’s quite subjective and I’m no expert but regardless, I don’t think she is old enough for it to be a meaningful or healthy way of judging her behaviour. Projecting negative motivations onto a baby, and “constantly telling her off”, is not good for you or her.

You’re doing the right thing reaching out for more support. Wishing you luck.

Buglife Tue 13-Mar-18 12:32:17

I agree talk to GP and also Homestart, support is out there. 18 months is a difficult time for hitting and smacking etc, and they are just still babies really, and they don’t really respond to telling off or be able to modify their behaviour... so so hard for you. And at 11 weeks pregnant... I was at that stage at Christmas and I did get shouty with my 3 year old, I was so tired and sick and I had no patience for his (fairly normal) boisterous and defiant behaviour. The more shouty I got the worse he behaved... so often the way! Can you get your partner to take her out more at weekends so you can have some quiet and rest?

Take care of yourself, early pregnancy is so tough flowers

waterrat Tue 13-Mar-18 12:33:20

OP - if you are struggling to this extent with your mental wellbeing you need to use childcare. As a working parent I put both my kids in with loving childminders from about 5 months old (part time) - it was f-ing brilliant for my mental health. Please dont beat yourself up - it's absolutely okay to say you don't enjoy parenting day in day out - I didn't either but I do love my kids as long as I get enough time away form them!

She is't naughty she is a baby - the problem here isn't your child it's your mental health - you deserve to be happy OP - it will be better for your children if you reach out and get help . What are your finances? Could you afford for the little one to be with a childminder 2 or 3 days a week or do mornings at nursery?

Footle Tue 13-Mar-18 12:38:03

KimmySchmidt, helpful!

Bombardier25966 Tue 13-Mar-18 12:39:16

What is your partner doing to support you? He might work during the week but what about mornings and evenings?

randomuntrainedcuntowner Tue 13-Mar-18 12:41:24

You sound very depressed. It could be a mixture of both post natal depression from your dd, and antenatal depression from your pregnancy. Please speak to your midwife and ask to be referred to the perinatal mental health team. 💐

KingLooieCatz Tue 13-Mar-18 12:46:52

Mine went through a phase where he didn't show any affection. I can't remember when it changed but he is now the huggiest, most affectionate child, and has been for years.

Well done for asking for help. Ignore people like Kimmy. Not helpful.

I look back and think I would have been happier if I'd put DS in nursery, even if only for one morning a week. It is tough. It does get better.

charlottexox Tue 13-Mar-18 12:46:54

@Bombardier25966 we don't live together, so we are only together on weekends. He takes over most weekends though by doing tea, nappys, bath time etc x

wonderingagain21 Tue 13-Mar-18 12:47:02

On a very practical level have you got space to put a travel cot up in your living area. When my DD went through a biting stage at that age I would silently put her in the cot and walk away or pick up a cup of tea/magazine. Just for a couple of minutes. It tells baby you don't like the behaviour without shouting which invariably make you feel bad.

WaxOnFeckOff Tue 13-Mar-18 12:49:11

Yes, I was also going to say that your partner must have some evenings that he can come round and give you a break. Could you partners parents take her of an evening sometimes, does your partner live with them? If you have a baby and an another on the way shouldn't you be thinking of something a bit more permanent together?

charlottexox Tue 13-Mar-18 12:49:12

@randomuntrainedcuntowner yes I was given support by perinatal MHT on DD. Don't see my midwife until 16 weeks now though. Do you think it's worth to call her before then?

HazelBite Tue 13-Mar-18 12:49:16

Do contact your HV they really are the gateway to all sorts of help. Mine was brilliant and helped me so much when I was struggling with 4 year old non verbal twin boys and two other Dc's.
I survived, you will too!

littlemisscomper Tue 13-Mar-18 12:51:06

Could you afford help OP? Maybe a live in nanny, to take some of the brunt of the harder times and give you a chance to focus on positive interactions?

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