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MIL moved in(884 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
Post natal depression has really kicked me in the nuts. I will clarify before I begin... I have no desire harming my child she is perfect and kept me alive when I went to kill myself.
I'm just so down all the time I'm a mess and feel like a bad parent. I'm under the care of a crisis team and mental health professionals. Here goes..
My daughter is rolling on 9 weeks old. A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself. I had been keeping my mother in law at arms length throughout pregnancy as she kept upsetting me and becoming too overbearing and generally annoying the hell out of me. When I tried to kill myself my mother in law took the opportunity to become the night in shining armour and move into the spare bedroom / baby's future room. She's been living with us for rolling on 4 weeks now.
At first it was great don't get me wrong. Even now I still appreciate some of the help but this is not turning into a negative for me and here's why...
She's started leaving the house a mess, crumbs on the side and plates and stuff about. She will wash bottles but doesn't do alot to help out. Buys the odd bit of shopping but mostly sits cuddling my daughter.
She's been critesising the fact I'm not doing alot to lose weight. Judges what I eat and drink and is 'encouraging' me to lose weight. Slags off the meals I cooked so I've stopped cooking something which I used to enjoy.
She has her foot in the door and slowly takes over with her routines and the way she does things which I don't like. She put a dummy in my daughter's mouth and kept tapping it with her nail!? Kept not giving her medicine for her reflux so she is pukey and uncomfortable because she does not want to medicate her.
She has taken over my daughter at nights and won't give her back. I was happy for the sleep at first but she has my daughter all night long in the spare bedroom and when we tell her to take a night off she refuses.
I feel like I'm under 24 hour surveillance. She is always sitting next to my daughter's Moses basket. MIL went out today and I took my daughter upstairs so she was with me while I put my makeup on and MIL came back and came charging up in to my room looking for her and took her off into her room.
I feel so low. I feel like I'm unable to be a mother. I was happy for the help but now I'm really not. Do I sound ungrateful or unreasonable??
The health visitor had a word with me in private and said she thinks it's fulfilling my mother in laws needs more than mine.
I'm going to talk to my partner tonight bit I have no idea on how to even begin phasing her out of our house she seems too comfortable. It kills me to see my daughter spending more of her life with my MIL than me.
Has anyone had this!? I feel at a loss
Can you get your HV to talk to your DH? It might come better from a professional. I feel for you op.
Honestly,to avoid conflict I would say the crisis team/ health visitor have said they think it would be good for you to take back full time care of your baby and think it’s time she moved out .
If you spoke to them about the situation and if you feel you are able to manage then they would no doubt agree,
It sounds very stressful and I agree she has become far too over involved.
Can you not see that maybe she’s doing this because her son asked her? Think how scared your partner must feel when just 20 odd days ago you almost took your life. Was he at work? Were you alone or with the baby? Imagine how powerless he must have felt to protect and help both you and the baby.
Maybe he needs his mum there (when he’s not) to help him. To reassure him.
I have mental health professionals come by every day the aim isn't to just fuck my MIL off as I said I appreciated the help but I don't want her living with me anymore
She lives 1 street away from us too so she's more than local
Just show the thread to your husband. It's perfectly understandable that your Mother In Law is not the best person to be supporting you right now.
Do you have anybody else you can lean on for support? Can DH take time off work?
I’d tell your dh that the hv thinks it’d be better for mil to back off. It’s important for you to bond with your baby and she is trying to take your spot. That said you must have been through an awful time with everything, so take each day gently and I wish you the best. X
Exactly OP so by going by “professional “ advice it may be taken much better . As you say she is nearby to help but you will be in much more control.
Can you speak directly with your MIL, with your DHs support?
"I really appreciate your support but can you do less of X and X, I find it stifling and not letting me bond with baby"?
Would you feel better with a more neutral Homestart helper? Your HV will know how to get this moving.
I appreciate she is trying to help but having my MIL around would drive me nuts and taking over the cuddling of your daughter is not the best thing for you.
IMO if MIL wants to help then she should be helping with the cooking and cleaning and leaving you to care for daughter. Can you perhaps start asking her to cook meals for your DH and you in her house and bagging up laundry for her to take home and do? get your DH on board he probably doesnt realise that this is making things worse.
and finally and for you. Please be kind to yourself.
It sounds like for your mental health you need your MIL out of your house as she is doing you and your relationship with your child more harm than good.
Just show this thread to your DH or tell him the HV has said she think MIL should move out.
Yes you need MIL to move back home and work out what help she could that will benefit you. Perhaps she could take her for a couple of hours per day to her house so you can sleep/rest?
You need to bond with your DD
Could you perhaps give her a deadline. It is good to have an extra pair of hands until the baby is 12 weeks and you have recovered a bit. It is difficult but I guess she is concerned for you and the baby. Try to relax and enjoy your sleep while you can.
Are you taking any vitamins? A baby takes a lot from you. Hope you feel better soon.
Ask a member of your support team to have a meeting with DP regarding her and that it's actually starting to feel less helpful and more part of the problem. He should surely see and hear them. I hope you're ok OP it's so hard to go through what you are and you should be very proud of the fact you're actually getting the help you need xx
This does sound suffocating. But in the kindest possible way, from what you have written it sounds like your mil is worried you could harm your daughter. (I know you say you absolutely wouldn't do this, but other people may not understand what is going on in your mind at such a difficult time in your life right now).
It's still quite early days, and it sounds really tough that she seems to be taking over your baby. Perhaps your DH could suggest she helps with the cleaning and housework to give you more bonding time with baby.
No it doesn't read like that at all. It reads as though her MIL is enjoying sitting cuddling the baby all day and doesn't care that she's not helping and is actually getting in the way.
Get the Health Visitor to speak to her, OP. I am furious on your behalf that she's doing this. No wonder you have a problem with depression if this is going on in your home, you poor thing.
Talk to your mental health team in private and make it clear that your MIL is not helping but actually hindering you bonding with your baby. They will help you sort it out. Good luck.
So MIL got what she wanted then.
Your DP should've supported you more in regards to his overbearing mother.
Ask someone to tell him to get her to back off asap. She is doing far more harm than good. Do not let her take baby to her house to stay either.
I remember you saying your DP's had building work going on but can you go and stay with them for a bit? Do they help you at all?
Can you not see that maybe she’s doing this because her son asked her? -what? He asked his mother to move in and criticise his wife?
You're only not able to be a mother more for your daughter because your MIL has forcibly pushed you out and appointed herself as dictator Mother of your baby.
She doesn't sound like a well adjusted person or like she's concerned about anyone's well being but her own and her grandchild's (sort of) except she is putting her own selfish needs before your baby's need for you.
MIL needs to move out and leave behind house key, she is doing more harm than good.
I've always found the best way to support someone is to move in with them, not help at all and belittle and criticise them.
If having your mil there isn't helping then you need to tell your DH that. Your HV will have information for you to be able to access other support. Maybe you could both sit down with your HV and have a conversation about how everyone can help.
It’ll all work out OP, talk to your partner, and put your foot down. Just because you have mental health issues right now doesn’t mean what you feel like regarding this is less valued. You and your baby come first. Also it sounds like you love your child dearly and just want to look after her which is really nice, good luck!
Hanna your other posts about him and his family make depressing enough reading, let alone living through it with a new baby and being so unhappy. You must tell your HV and MH team if you are still having visits with them, this can't go on.
I agree with Autumnal it does sound like you adore that baby, so for her sake get on the phone tomorrow and ask for help. I definitely think its ultimatum time - do you have anyone in RL who can be 110% on your side? Did you say on a previous thread your own parents live too far away to visit?
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