Dealing with food refusal.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My son is 4 in a few weeks time and over the last month he’s being a nightmare when it comes to meals.

Up until recently he has been ok at breakfast and lunch but come his evening meal he really tests our patience. He pushes the food around his pace, constantly whining that he doesn’t want it and this would go on for ages until it got to the point sometimes that we had to feed it to him to get him to eat it.

We realised this couldn’t go on so we then introduced a sand timer and he was allowed 10 minutes to start actively eating his meal and if he wasn’t making an attempt to eat it then it was taken off him. Far more often than not he wouldn’t even have touched it. We followed through on this and when we took his plate away he would be in hysterics, crying and telling us he wanted it and trying to pull the plate back out of our hands. We did give it him back if he reacted like that and then he’d typically start eating it but still being really slow. Dinner time was usually taking up to an hour from start to finish.

He’s now started refusing his breakfast too. We’d ask him what he wanted and then when we gave it to him he’s play around with it for about 5 minutes and then the whining of “I don’t want it” starts again.

This morning, after the whining began, I told him that he had 10 minutes to start eating it and then I would take it away. After those 10 minutes he hadn’t touched it so I took it away and he didn’t put up a fight at all and just went off to play with his toys.

No doubt in a few hours he will start telling me he’s hungry which he obviously will be. But then what do I do? Should he be allowed to refuse his breakfast and then still be given snacks later? What incentive does that give him to eat his breakfast in the morning?

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[GreenTulips]

How would you feel if you had someone st watching you eat? Telling you you had 10 mins to get on with in .... hardly a relaxing atmosphere

You know most animals won't eat if they are being watched? It's an inbuilt reaction to being 'attacked' whilst eating - so they don't eat.

If you all sit at the table at tea time - he stays at the table til he's finished - no eatching no talking about it - no hurry up - talk about something else

When he says he's finished remove the plate - that's it

When he says he's hungry tell him 'lunch is at 12' and make him wait -

No 'well I told you to eat breakfast'

Then come lunchtime he'll be properly hungry. Give him his food and remove it when he's finished - job done

[QueenofmyPrinces]

We don’t watch him eat as such.

Me and my husband just chat amongst ourselves whilst eating our dinner because we don’t want to distract DS, I guess we just leave him to it.

The problem we have is that our dining room is on a different floor of the house to the main living area so one of us would have to sit with him if the rule was he had to stay there with him until he ate it which isn’t really practical as he’d be there for an hour or more, and I imagine it would also add to the issue of him feeling watched as it would be a one-to-one environment.

[PotatoesOfTheCarribean]

I'd ignore it completely, sounds like what you did at breakfast is a good way to go, so I'd just carry on with that with no comment

[NannyR]

A couple of tips I've picked up over the years,

• put the food in the middle of the table, put a tiny amount of food on his plate (so he's not overfaced) then let him help himself to seconds.
  
• the timer sounds like it should work in theory but it doesn't, it just prolongs the battle by ten minutes.
  
• take the focus off the food at mealtimes - it sounds quite stressful from his point of view. Everyone sits down together, helps themselves to food and chat about something else, what you've been doing that day, maybe comment if something is delicious but don't comment on whether he's eating up or not.
  

When the meal is finished, just clear up, even if he hasn't eaten much, again with no comment.

• look at the wider picture, if he's growing well and got lots of energy then he's getting enough food, even if you don't think he's eating enough, therefore you don't need to be feeding him.

[RollTopBath]

Just get off his back a bit? Dish up the food with a degree of choice and let him eat or not. No battles, no feeding, no nagging to hurry up. Unless he is significantly underweight and losing.

Maybe for breakfast some fruit, a milkshake/smoothie with some dry cereal in a bowl and a piece of toast. He’ll eat what he wants and I’d be surprised if he ate nothing.
Supper just dish up a small portion of what there is. No comment just let him be. When the meal has finished just clear away without comment. He may be very tired by supper time. Make sure his lunch is something he’ll eat happily - generally finger foods.

[Ylvamoon]

I agree with what others have said...
Remove the pressure completely! The food is there to be eaten but how much and what (is on table/plate) is up to him.
At age 4 children start to realise that they are an individual, able to choose and looking for more "say" in what they do.
Choose your battles, there are things he has to do and others that don't matter to much.

[EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic]

If he says he’s hungry before lunch I’d tell him to have a pervert of fruit. If he’s refusing food at all I’d only be offering small bits of fruit as a snack anyway if I was offering snacks at all.

I agree with the others, the timer thing doesn’t seem to be working, he seems to be getting way too much attention for not eating. Some things that helped with my DD were:

Tiny portions, they can always ask for more
Eating together
Not encouraging them to eat
Not mentioning food or what they are eating. If you have another adult talk to them or not I’d read the newspaper.
Letting them choose dinner at least once a week.
Making sure there is at least one thing on their plate that you know they like.
Ignore any complaints, if they keep on complaining just say something like, “yes, we heard you last time” and change the subject.

If you are still struggling try Help, My Child Won’t Eat,

[Cacofonix]

Food refusal at this age is the one thing a small child can have power over. You cannot force them to eat and so they can truly exercise their power control in a world where they actually have little power.

The way I dealt with this for my DD2 who was similar was place the meal (not overloaded plate) in front of her and when she screeched that she wasn't eating that (with accompanying look of utter disgust in her face ) I would breezily say 'that's fine! You don't have to eat it. But there is nothing until lunch/dinner time'. Then carry on with our meal and conversation. It worked. She always ate it and a reasonable amount. If she didn't touch it (happened a few times) I just removed her plate with the rest when we had all finished. She is 7 now and a great eater.

There is nothing worse than making it a battle because you will lose! Didn't try the food in the centre and help yourself but that also sounds good because they can exercise control. Also we never demand our kids to finish their plate. I just say 'eat a good amount including veggies'.

Good luck.

[EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic]

Pervert of fruit! My auto correct thinks it’s fucking hilarious.

*piece of fruit. Sorry OP

[MaverickSnoopy]

Going through similar. What is currently working is largely what GreenTulips suggests.

We all eat dinner together. We eat and talk about our day. There's no pressure on how much is eaten. She does have a tendency to eat a tablespoon of food, declare she's finished and we do say that no one gets down from the table until everyone has finished. Sometimes we play eye spy to pass the time. She used to do the opposite and sit there for ages pushing food round her plate and so if we'd been sat there for a really long time we would get down and leave her to it. If your dining room is on a different floor then just get on and do something else - hoover, dust etc but just briskly but in a jolly tone say "sorry darling must get on but you do carry on". On the occasions where lots of food is left we put the food in the kitchen and then give it back if she says she's hungry. All snacks have been cut out. She's permanently saying she's hungry and asking when the next meal time is but when it comes she often doesn't eat much - but sometimes she does.

Things are getting better. She now understands that if she is hungry then she needs to actually eat. Most importantly with this new approach I am no longer stressed. My main focus is no longer on getting her to eat - it's entirely up to her if she eats or not. She's not going to starve.

I did ask at school and apparently she's one of their best eaters at lunch time .

[mumonashoestring]

We had this with DS and what worked for us was feeding him earlier (so he hadn't got to the whiny, overtired, overstimulated stage) and then letting him either play or have a couple of biscuits at the table while we had dinner so he still got the family mealtime/sit and chat experience.

[RollTopBath]

The other thing possibly is to have them cook meals with you. Stirring, chopping veg, passing items, weighing etc.

[pinkpantsrock]

not great but i find letting my ds1 (age 4) watch tv whilst eats a winner! he sits there and munchs through food with a care in world, he'll also eat food he normally refuse to touch if at the table!

[sirlee66]

Pervert of fruit!!! Haha

Could he help you meal plan or decide what's for dinner that night? Then be involved in cooking like PP have suggested?