Visiting family abroad

[Newhere123]

Hey all,

Would be great to get some advice..

So.. hubby and I had our beautiful baby girl just 8 weeks ago, it has been an extra challangd to us both, aside for getting used to our new lives with her, our families are not around- mine lives abroad and hubby’s are all over the place- meaning we, and I, had and have no sort of help from anyone.. regardless, we are absolutly inlove with our little girl and just really enjoying her.. she is truly the best thing that ever happened to us..

We also moved into a new house a month before she was born. I say ‘new’, but the house is actually old (victorian) and requires full renovations. We knew about this beforehand and when I was pregnant obviously but somehow thought we would get by with a newborn. I possibly was very naive going into this and didn’t quite evaluate the amount of work that is needed.. so far we have taken down an internal wall and currently working on moving the bathroom from downstairs to upstairs, need damp proofing downstairs, full electrics, plumbing and an extension of the kitchen.. so quite a bit going on and this could take some time to compete. The bedrooms upstairs need updating but nothing too major, it’s the downstairs that is in a mess. My husband is very much a DIY person, likes to do a lot himself, which also saves quite a bit of money, but also means that his evenings and weekends are now used for work doing bits of stuff. The house will look amazing once it’s done up, but the way there seem really tough and long. There is work dust around us, and so far baby and I been ‘living’ upstairs where we have our ‘safe rooms’. I also take her out nearly every day which we both really enjoy and we manage it in a way- don’t have much choice either! Having her now, I feel like we are not doing things right by her- meaning we don’t have the space of a sitting room for her to be in, and it honestly breaks my heart. As I’m sure you can all relate when I say this- I want to make sure she is safe and happy and get the very best, as she deserves.. I worry a lot about her being in this environment, can’t really tell if and how much she is exposed to the overall dust. We looked into renting a place for the next few months whilst work is being done but that’s too expensive and as I said- our families are not near by so we can’t just drop on them.. As more dusty work is going to be carried out soon, I will be taking baby with me to visit my family abroad for 3 weeks, while husband stays here to do work. I know she is still very tiny to remember any of this, but how would that- if any- affect her remembering him? Worth mentioning though that as he is doing work most evenings and weekends- since she was born, he hasn’t spent the amount of time he would have wanted with her anyway. Are we doing the right thing? We are also considering, as there will be more work going on at the house, me going away with her again in a month time for couple of months, when she would be 4/5 months old.. good idea to take her away? Both husband and I want and need to put her first ofcourse, especially when It comes to her health- getting her out of the house means she is less exposed to the dust and mess, but also means she is away from her father :/ I already know 3 girls who took their baby to visit their family abroad for 2/3 months, alone without their partner and they don’t even have house issues.. so people do do it...?

Anyone experienced something similar...?
Sorry for the long post..

Thanks

[AmberTopaz]

Please don’t worry about taking her away from her dad for a few weeks or even months. When my DD was tiny, DH was working such long hours that he barely saw her - I was worried she was going to start calling random men in the street Daddy! I needn’t have worried - 10 years on and they have a great bond and a lovely relationship.

At this age all your baby needs is to be fed and cuddled and kept safe. It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job in tricky conditions.

[EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic]

I’m sure 3 weeks will be fine. You are right in that she possibly won’t remember him though. Could you take a couple of things that smell of him with you like a tshirt he has worn? Then she’ll still have the scent of him.

[mindutopia]

I think that's absolutely fine. Just make the most of the time you have together when you're home. I definitely would prefer that to being at home in a dusty, unsafe house as they are so vulnerable at this age. I was exposed to secondhand smoke at that age, from staying with grandparents and got pneumonia. I've had asthma ever since as a result. Go, enjoy time with your family, have your dh get the work done, and then come back and make sure you maximise his time with her. Early on, my dh wore our dd in a wrap pretty much any time he was home from work (so all evening every night and lots on the weekends). He also did bathtime with her every day as well. They have a lovely bond because of this. Some mums have to go back to work at this stage, so babies are left with neither parent all day. They can still bond perfectly well when parents make the effort. So yes, go and make the most of it and hopefully come back to a house that's nice and sorted.

[Caterina99]

Our family are all abroad (we moved to US and family all in UK). I’ve taken DS when he was 5 months, 14 months and then DS and DD at 2.5 and 2 months. Each time we stay for a month or so and DH only comes for a week or 2.

It’s had no impact on DS or DD bonding with their dad, and it’s been lovely to allow them to spend so much time with family. And have the help from family too!

[Makingworkwork]

At this age all your baby wants is you. Daddy can be a nice person to have around but he is not Mummy. Your baby won’t be bothered by the mess or not see Daddy very much.

[Newhere123]

Hello again.. refreshing original post.
So baby and I ended up staying with my family for 4 weeks (extended by another week while we were there, as more work was carried out). It was really great, for both of us- I did not know just how much I needed the help and support from my mum and my family- until I actually got it.. It was just good. My husband managed to get a lot done whilst we were away, which is good, but unfortunately, there is still a long way to go.
After our return, I think it hit me even more just how unhappy I was and how impossible it is to stay at the house with a baby. I've only been back for 3 weeks, but already feel how I slowly fall into depression.. It's just tough staying in a bedroom, with a 3 months old baby, all day long, because the the weather is so bad that you can't really leave the house. Maybe it's just me, but I really struggle with this whole situation, constantly worrying about dust and mess around the baby.
My husband and I talked and we agreed that it would be best if baby and I go back home again, to stay with my family for a few months, until the house is more livable, for both of us. Only problem is that he won't be able to join us as he will be doing most of the work on the house.. we agreed that he will come see us every 2-3 weeks if possible.
This is just completely not ideal and I am trying to convinced myself every single day that it's the right thing to do- for all of us really. I'll be with my family, put my feet up for a little bit- as I am promised, baby will be in a safe environment and my husband will be able to move faster working on the house.. with us being back- he is not focused- when he spends time with us, he feels guilty for not progressing with the house and when he is working on the house- he feels guilty for not spending time with us- realising that he is not doing either right. Our main goal is to get the house done quickly, so we can just start living like a normal family... bearing in mind that we have to keep the baby safe, and me sane, so I can be the best mum for our baby..
I keep telling myself my husband will be able to catch up with her, knowing he will miss out on those few 'firsts'.. :(

I just wish someone could tell me this is the right thing, you know?

Any thoughts or advices..?

Thanks x