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AIBU to think when I’m sick DH should get up to baby?

(79 Posts)
GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 06:23:28

Hi, I’ve been up in the night throwing up with diarrhoea and bad nausea and stomach cramps to point I’ve been in a lot of pain; this has caused bad headaches. I’m frightened to sip water incase it sets it off again. We have 11 month old ds who is frequently waking up in the night at the moment and heavy. I get up with him every night as dh goes to work early. Should dh have seen to him last night? In the morning he had cheek to say ‘Oh I would have got him.’ With a thumping headache I could have swung for him as the answer is no he wouldn’t have as chose to ignore ds’s crying and knew about it as he was awake at the time and chose to do nothing.
Is it me are us women left with the raw need of the deal while men just seem to get away with everything? I feel that unwell at the moment I don’t know how I’ll get out of bed again when ds wakes up. Dh has one leave day left which he could have used today and let me to have slept last night. To add insult to injury he hasn’t even asked how I was feeling this morning and has just gone to work. I could cry. Sorry about all of this I think I needed a moan.

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 06:26:09

Apologise for the ‘bads’ and over use of ‘and’ and anything else but my grammar isn’t at its best this morning.

OohOohMrPeevly Wed 14-Feb-18 06:29:05

My husband used to work away quite a bit when ours were little and you can guarantee that whenever there was a crisis like yours or one of the babies was really ill he would be away. I really feel your pain and hope you get through the day ok. Like many people these days we had no family nearby to call upon and I remember having to take the children into the bathroom with me whilst I was being ill. Ask him to take tomorrow off as if it's a sickness bug you will probably still be feeling rough then. Good luck x

NameChange30 Wed 14-Feb-18 06:39:09

Why didn’t you wake him up, tell him you were ill and ask him to take care of the baby? Why didn’t you ask him this morning to take the day off so you could rest?

DH and I always agree the plan before we go to bed, and we share the wakings even when one or both of us is working the next day, but if one of us becomes ill in the night they will wake the other one and ask them to take over.

It sounds as if you were expecting him to be a mind reader in his sleep and work out that you needed him? But I think there is also a bigger problem in that you’re doing all the night wakings by default, that needs to change and maybe then he will be more aware and likely to step up.

NameChange30 Wed 14-Feb-18 06:40:32

Oh sorry I’ve just seen that he was awake. You could have asked him though instead of just waiting/hoping for him to offer.

MaverickSnoopy Wed 14-Feb-18 06:45:08

Why didn't you wake him up? If I'd been up with d&v I probably wouldn't have even lifted my head from the pillow.

I don't really understand your comment slurring all men and saying women get the raw end of the deal. I'm sure there are many men (and women) who don't do their fair share but it's not the norm no. We always discuss who is going to do what and if one of us is ill then the other does everything, even if they have work the next day.

Hope you feel better soon OP. I think you should have a chat about expectations and sharing the load.

Mrsjellybum Wed 14-Feb-18 06:52:27

My husband just doesn't here them. Sometimes he'll be satReading in bed whilst I'm asleep. I'll wake up and have to tell him one of the kids are crying, then he sort of listens and jumps out of bed to sort them out if I ask him too. Genuinely seems to have a hearing block. I think it's because I e always done it.
If I'm ill before bed I tell him he's doing the night feeds.
Then he knows to listen out for them and when they do cry he gets up.

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 06:56:47

Thanks OohOohMrPeevly. Dh doesn’t even go away and doesn’t have a physical job but does have to concentrate. That sounded so tough on you. As you say most don’t have family or anyone who can help. If dh is sick he can take a day off work and lay in bed and do nothing while I tend to dh and look after him at same time. Yet we don’t get that choice do we? I just really hope ds doesn’t get his if it is a bug as he’s already having a difficult time teething.

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 06:57:19

ds

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 06:58:55

yeah dh was awake and when I asked him but he said he didn’t hear as was ‘dead to the world.’

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 07:00:19

MaverickSnoopy Yeah I agree, I shouldn’t have come on here as my wording isn’t the best with being unwell sorry. I mean men like dh not all men

NameChange30 Wed 14-Feb-18 07:01:23

“Yet we don’t get that choice do we?”

Er yes we do. DH works 4 days a week (looks after DS 1 day a week) and I work 3 days (look after DS 2 days). If one of us is really ill on a day we’re supposed to be looking after DS while the other is working, the other will take the day off work to look after him. We’re a team, no martyrs here.

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 07:02:28

when I was throwing up dh said he would get up but I now realise he was bluffing and has no intention in doing so. As for the day off today I couldn’t have been anymore clear really. He was out the house faster than jack flash.

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 07:03:23

NameChange30 Nice you have that support

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 07:04:31

I wasn’t my usual assertive self when bent over toilet bowl I guess

Weezol Wed 14-Feb-18 07:04:34

Tell him he's on duty for tonight. I can't believe you didn't just tell him to shift himself during the night. I know you shouldn't have to ask/tell, just be blunt in future.

Your headache may also be bad because you're a bit dehydrated. Please try sipping at any type of fluid just to help with that.

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 07:05:49

Yeah I’ll have to give him a kick next time to wake him and then this would be a very different thread.

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 07:06:53

I’ll be having a talk to him tonight when he gets home or I might call him and ask him to come home now

Forgeteverythingandremember Wed 14-Feb-18 07:07:08

Oh you poor thing you must be feeling rotten
Do the absolute minimum today
How old of DS?
Will he let you lie in bed whilst he watches the iPad or plays with bricks?

Is there absolutely no one who would take him a walk for you?

I think your DH was being awful and I’d be very hurt in your position.
Did you wake him in the night when you were vomiting? I know you may think he was awake but maybe he didn’t rrally appreciate how ill you were.
I think it depends what he is usually like as to whether the conclusion is that he was being a git or whether he just didn’t register what was going on?

Does he do no night wakings at all? Not even weekends? That suggests someone who has zero idea what looking after a baby is like all day and considers his out the home job vastly superior.
Why wouldn’t he do the nights at the weekends so you can catch up on sleep?

It does sound like he is lazy and thoughtless but maybe there is a benefit of the doubt to be given and he is just a bit clueless- only you know that.

Can you phone him now and ask him to finish at lunch so you can crawl back to bed? Be clear how rubbish you feel and that you need his help.

Take care.

newdaylight Wed 14-Feb-18 07:09:10

* I can't believe you didn't just tell him to shift himself during the night.*

She did.
The man child pretended not too hear her

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 07:13:02

Forgeteverythingandremember Thank you so much for your lovely and kind reply. Dh knew I was throwing up and how unwell I was because he was talking to me and said he’d get ds if he woke up. I think once ds woke up and i told him he had a change of heart as couldn’t be bothered. Bathroom right next to our bedroom so he couldn’t miss it. He told me he was dead to the world and heard me say but couldn’t get up. Ds is 11 months and not great at amusing himself yet. He’s also very heavy and has to be carried everywhere because he isn’t crawling yet sad

Situp Wed 14-Feb-18 07:14:43

I find that often DH seems awake but isn't really. I once called him to the bathroom because dc2 had just puked in my face. DH got up and went into dc1's bedroom and got into his bed. I found him stroking dc1's hair and telling him it was all ok!

Be firm and make sure he is awake and listening. DH is now much better because he doesn't tune it out on the assumption that I will deal with it.

NameChange30 Wed 14-Feb-18 07:16:05

Ok so reading your posts it’s clear you did ask him and he was just being a lazy shit.

This kind of behaviour doesn’t happen out of the blue, I’m assuming he’s like this most of the time?

I think you need a serious talk.

timeisnotaline Wed 14-Feb-18 07:16:34

You can call him and ask him to come home. If he was sick he’d have to come home. I’d pointedly say if someone Had helped me sleep last night I might feel better today but I just can’t. You need to come.

GlitterCity Wed 14-Feb-18 07:17:52

I agree with what NameChange30 said on that I am doing all of the night wakings by default but on weekends I do tell him it’s his night tonight to be on duty (it’s sods that on those nights ds hasn’t woken or if he has dh makes such a song and dance about getting him that I’ve woke up).

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