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Brokenxmummyxbrokenxhome Sun 11-Feb-18 21:41:24

I'm a 29 year old single mother to a 5 year old daughter and I feel completely trapped... it's so consuming and all I want to do is run, I feel like the biggest failer as a mother ever, we have little to no bond after a semi difficult pregnancy and birth, ultimately when my DD was 5 months old I was diagnosed with PND, i've taken various anti depressents in the last 5 years and finally June 2017 it all became to much for me and my partner (DDs Dad) and we split after 6 years together. The worst thing is from the age of 16/17 being a mum was my only goal in life, I loved kids and wanted a large family of my own being an only child for 18 years I swore i'd have at least 2 children but the more the merrier. I decided to wait though until I was more mature and had found "the right partner" thus not TTC until I was 23. I had alot of interference with a jealous step mother who Failed TTC several times in the 5 years from 2007-2011 so when I fell pregnant the Xmas of 2011 she went on instant sabotage and it worked plying me with self doubt and ultimately ruining my pregnancy with her jealousy and interference, she also sabotaged my DDs first Xmas and B-day purchasing EVERYTHING "first" before me or my partner could taking control of what should've been important memory making for us as a family. Fast forward to today and I have a stroppy, rude, obnoxious 5 going on 15 year old... and i'm at my witts end... I'm still suffering majorly with depression and anxiety... her teachers says she's a wonderfully behaved child at school, yet the second she steps through the door the attitude and rudeness hit me like a punch in the mouth, i'm at the point that if I had my drivers licence i'd fill my car and go not looking back... all i'm doing is destroying her life, she hates me, she has my mum and her dad so i'm not needed in her life... it got that bad last year I actually attempted to take my own life, my theory being that whilst i'm this toxic being in her life she can never be happy. Tonight we've fallen out again and i've disolved into a hysterical crying puddle on the kitchen floor after leaving her upstairs to go to sleep, her words "you're not a very nice mum!" How can I argue with that when she's telling me what I already know. I just can't cope any more.

Caenea Sun 11-Feb-18 21:49:11

Oh OP. Please don't think like this.

Go back to the GP and be honest with them, tell them how bad it is and try and get a referral for talking therapy or CBT. They cannot help you if they don't know what's wrong.

The very fact that you only want the best for your daughter proves you are NOT a bad mum - but killing yourself is not and will never be the best thing for her.

When she's angry, remember that she is five. She loves you, I promise, but children this age don't have the skills or the language to explain how they feel so they lash out - physically or verbally. If she is rude, or unpleasant, tell her "That isn't the way to speak to me, it is hurtful and upsetting." Use time outs or the naughty step or whatever, then have calm discussions with her.

Don't give up. This is not all there is and it does get better.

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