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2 year age gap- feel so guilty and low

(107 Posts)
Mrsharper88 Sun 11-Feb-18 17:29:08

Hello, I’m new on here. I’m sorry if this topic has already been covered but I’m feeling so so low.

My DS is now 18months, it took us a year and half of ttc before I finally fell pregnant with him. We knew we wanted a second child and that it could take years, so we decided to start trying last month and I discovered last week I am pregnant.

This is a horrible thing to say but I am absolutely devastated. My DS is still a baby and needs me. I feel like my stupid selfish actions are going to damage him emotionally as he won’t get the attention he needs and deserves. He still wakes in the night and gets so jealous if anyone else comes near me. I have not stopped crying, I feel like the most terrible person in the world because it’s all my fault that he will suffer.

I don’t have anyone I can talk to, my friends who have children all have big age gaps and I know they will think DS is too young. DP doesn’t understand what I’m upset about.

I’m just looking for some way to feel better about it. For someone to say I did the right thing. Someone to give me positive stories of how a 2.2 age gap can work and not damage the older sibling. Anyone that can make me feel better for doing it now rather than waiting.

I know that is also very selfish but I don’t know what else to do as I feel the lowest I think I’ve ever felt.

Really hope someone can help x

fusspot66 Sun 11-Feb-18 17:31:18

Well I think 2 years is perfect. My broyher and i were very close at 2yrs 9 days gap. I don't remember being without him.

Talith Sun 11-Feb-18 17:31:37

I have a 2.4 age gap and at 10 and 8 it's brilliant. Its always mostly been good for the pair of them, and they play together all the time. My eldest isn't remotely disadvantaged. You'll be fine x

DorotheaHomeAlone Sun 11-Feb-18 17:32:02

It will be fine. Take a breath. Your baby will be very different in 8 months time. I have a 20 month gap. It was hardest in me but also tough for my eldest for a few months. Now 18 months later, they adore each other and make each other laugh like crazy. A sibling is a gift. Ignore your hormones!

fusspot66 Sun 11-Feb-18 17:32:38

My own 2 are 4 yrs apart and the gap is widening now the oldest is at secondary school

HumphreyCobblers Sun 11-Feb-18 17:33:04

He will not suffer. You will look after him as well as you always did!

I have a 20 month actual gap between my two and it is great!

I think your reaction is extreme, try not to worry about this. Really, it will be fine.

TimesNewRoman Sun 11-Feb-18 17:35:31

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You did what was best at the time given the time it took to conceive first time. Your baby will be so much further on by the time you are due and honestly I think that's a perfect age gap. You haven't been selfish at all. What's meant to be, is meant to be. It would be so much worse if you waited and couldn't conceive.

NeopreneMermaid Sun 11-Feb-18 17:36:24

My two are two years apart (we wanted as close as possible) and I did go through the same guilt as you, OP, until I sobbed into my HV/midwife and she said: "You have given them the greatest gift you can: each other."

FayJay Sun 11-Feb-18 17:36:26

My girls are 2.4 years apart. It’s a lovely gap to have IMO. They’re 5 and 7 now and are good mates as well as sisters. I know lots of people with a similar age gap too - it’s really very common. Your DCs will be fine.

Backenette Sun 11-Feb-18 17:37:09

My ds at 18m and him now at 2.4 are worlds apart. It’ll be ok smile

I actually think that’s a pretty good age gap

lornathewizzard Sun 11-Feb-18 17:37:35

Gap of 2years 2 weeks with our 2. Eldest adores her little brother and thinks we should have another

FayJay Sun 11-Feb-18 17:38:27

Oh and there are 11 months between me and my brother - now that’s a small age gap! I was all good though and we are good friends as adults.

Movablefeast Sun 11-Feb-18 17:41:58

I so feel for you because as mothers we can endlessly guilt ourselves over everything. Despite your fears you will not ruin your child's life, here is a secret: you will love your second as much as your first! You won't be able imagine life without her/him and the whole family will readjust.

Your child is at a normal developmental stage and will keep growing and changing and their intense need of you will lessen. I had 3 under 5 and they are now teens and get on great and love each other very much (most of the time!).

Your hormones are doing a real number on you which unfortunately is very normal too.

Everything will work out xxx

Happygolucky009 Sun 11-Feb-18 17:42:34

I have a 23m age gap, the eldest doesn't recall being an older child and it was really hard at times, but I wouldn't change it! they have similar interests and although I have encouraged other friends, they much prefer to be together. Congratulations it will be great x

pastabest Sun 11-Feb-18 17:43:16

Umm, that's a fairly standard age gap.

Your reaction to it is quite extreme, have you considered talking to your GP about how you are feeling? I would suggest midwife but I assume your not going to see one for quite a few weeks yet.

There's 19 months between me and my sister. I don't remember her being born and my mum says that I was lovely with her until we were teens.

I dont even remember my brother being born/ a baby and I was 4 by then.

Neither of their births ruined my life anyway just like everyone else who has siblings. Do you have any siblings OP?

My DD is 12 months and her little brother or sister is due in June when she is 16 months old. I'm slightly bothered that having two under 2 is going to be hard work but I'm not at all worried that DDs life will be ruined, I think it will be lovely for her to have a sibling so close in age to play with and grow up with.

JumpingFrogs Sun 11-Feb-18 17:44:06

Almost exactly 2 years between my first two. It was fine - she loved him from day 1 and they were (and are) good friends. In fact she has a closer relationship with him than with sister born when she was 4 ! The one thing I consciously did was talk to the baby but kind of give him a running commentary on what his big sister was doing....along the lines of "Look at the lovely picture Susie's drawn, Freddie. Isn't she good at drawing?" He didn't care what I talked about but got the sound of my voice and the eye contact, whilst the older one felt she was getting attention too. I think our generation struggle when things don't turn out how we planned them, but honestly I think you are overthinking this - it will be fine. There will be times when you feel you're spreading yourself thinly but the children won't suffer and will have a wonderful childhood together.

mintbiscuit Sun 11-Feb-18 17:44:10

20 month age gap between dc2 and dc3. Ir's great. They play well together (mostly!), attend same nursery etc. They already have a close bond which I hope will strengthen as they get older.

ElspethFlashman Sun 11-Feb-18 17:48:08

That's a very extreme reaction, be careful about antenatal depression. Go to your GP if it continues.

And remember that babies change beyond belief in 9 months. Mine was younger than yours when I got pregnant and was awake most nights for hours. Fuck it was hard. But by the time I gave birth he was sleeping through and he was much more independent.

But it's a wonderful age gap. The older has no concept of life without their sibling. They become very close. Mine are the best of buddies.

DramaAlpaca Sun 11-Feb-18 17:48:40

I have a 16 month gap between DC1 & DC2. Took ages to get pregnant the first time, then first month the second time. I felt guilty for quite a while that DC1 would have to share me & was very worried about it. In fact it was fine & the two of them have grown up really close. It'll work out OP.

grannytomine Sun 11-Feb-18 17:48:48

Sounds like exactly the same gap as my youngest two. It was great, the 2 year old was fascinated by the baby, I wish I could show you video of her talking to him when he was 2 days old, straightening his blankets and chatting away. The only thing that worried me was being away from her but it was just one night and she managed fine.

It will be fine, don't beat yourself up. The worst thing is one doing GCSE and one doing A levels in the same year. Oh the joy, but you've got years to get ready for that delight.

PerfectlyDone Sun 11-Feb-18 17:49:01

I have 4 boys with a 1, 4 and 2 year gaps.

The truth is there is no 'perfect' age gap, but 2 years is really good: they will be close enough to be buddies and not too close to be mistaken for each other.

How you are feeling is a common form of antenatal anxiety and can be very successfully addressed with counselling if it persists.
Your DS will be just fine and will benefit in so many ways of having a sibling.

ForgivenessIsDivine Sun 11-Feb-18 17:53:49

I always thought an 18 months gap was perfect (my sister and I) but when DS was born I couldn't imagine having another.. but I did want another child... When DD arrived, DS was 25 months old. Every month that went by made a difference to his maturity and when DD was born he was completely and utterly besotted with her. The feeling that you have ruined your baby's life by having another baby is very very common. DS really benefited from having a little sister as he was quite a serious little chap. DD really taught him how to have fun and was a willing playmate.

At 18 months they are still very dependant but in 8 months time, he will be eating, walking and playing more independently.

Find someone to talk to... don't let this overshadow your pregnancy.

waterrat Sun 11-Feb-18 17:53:54

Hey Op - I hve that exact age gap! Two yrs , 2 months. It's absolutely perfect! I'm surprised that you are not more used to knowing children with that gap as I know many siblings / friends of my own kids who have a 2 year gap.

Here are the benefits - you get the baby bit over with in a few years - honestly, now mine are 5 and 3 I am so relieved that all the sleepless nights/nappies/ crying babies is done with.

Yes you do have two little people but they have similr needs - they both like similar toys for a while, they will both still get tired in the middle of the day, perhaps your 2 year old will keep their nap for the first six months or so of your new baby - that is invaluable!!

They are still little pre schoolers together - you can organise your day around them both far more easily than trying to entertain a 5 year old and a baby for example.
Now - the most important bit - my two children love each other SO MUCH. They are really sweet together and always have been - they can play in a group with friends (they are 3.5 and 5.5 now) - and all generally get along and are on a level.

We are such a happy family, I honestly think it is perfect.

I was very nervous bringing home my baby to meet her big 2 yr old brother - but he was fine, chidlren are resilient and live in the moment. you can snuggle up together reading him stories while cuddling your baby. it will be fine

waterrat Sun 11-Feb-18 17:55:51

I have to add OP that your reaction is a little worrying - if you are not able to move on and feel more cheerful I think you will need to have a chat with your midwife / gp about depression.

Of course your toddler adores you and doesn't want anyone else to share you - mine was the same. But remember a tiny baby is so small, they sleep for huge parts of the day (you forget that .!) a newborn is not a threat while they sleep in their buggy or on your lap, they will very quickly seem completely normal and you will tell your toddler that he is a big brother and that is very exciting.

PinkHeart5914 Sun 11-Feb-18 17:58:20

I’ve got 3 under 3! None of them appear unhappy so I Me and dh must be doing something right.

I think a big thing is involving the older ones with baby, watching a film all cuddled up on the sofa. Baby on play mat while you and the older one play, go to the park baby In a sling and your free to push the older one on the swings or whatever etc etc

Also you are not selfish most people that want more than 1 child don’t leave huge gaps

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