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Struggling to like older DS now younger ds is here

(51 Posts)
Prusik Thu 08-Feb-18 14:24:08

I hate myself for this. DH is off work today so it's not too bad but tomorrow he's working and I'm dreading spending the day with older DS.

He's 13 months and just really bloody awful at the moment. Fights nap changes, getting dressed, gets cross with toys, whinges at me 24/7, screams (loads) and is generally a handful. Pretty much your typical challenging 13 month old.

Im trying so desperately to meet his needs but with a 3 week old ebf velcro baby I am really failing to keep ds1 happy.its just hideous and ds2 is still at the stage where he's feeding constantly so even a trip to the local shops results in newborn screaming.

I feel like ive ruined ds1's little life and he needs more from me that i just can't give and where hes so unhappy and I'm so tired i just don't want to be around him.

Please help. I hate myself right now

PistFump Thu 08-Feb-18 14:49:03

Gosh give yourself and your boys a break you're only just starting to get in to the swing of things. Why are you putting yourself under so much pressure. Just take each day as it comes. Of course you love your ds1. That doesn't change when ds2 comes along. Don't forget to ask for and accept help.

Movablefeast Thu 08-Feb-18 14:54:20

You basically have two babies! What about contacting Homestart UK they have volunteers to help struggling parents and they can be a life saver in situations like yours when you have two very close in age.

You are a great mum, just understandably feeling overwhelmed.

Prusik Thu 08-Feb-18 16:59:07

Thank you for your replies. I've just contacted homestart now

GlassHalfFullOfWee Thu 08-Feb-18 17:00:59

I have a slightly larger age gap but I remember not liking my DD very much when my DS was born. It lasted about 9 months. It’s all fine now. I love her lots and she loves me. No harm done.

EllenJanethickerknickers Thu 08-Feb-18 17:02:09

Gosh, I definitely 'went off' DS1 for a while when DS2 was a young baby. It's really common. Don't think of it as favourite children, just favourite ages.

pastabest Thu 08-Feb-18 17:11:17

I have a 12 months old and I'm expecting DC 2 in a few months.

I've resigned myself to the fact that things are going to be pretty hideous for a while but trying to remember that just like all the tricky phases with DC1 it's temporary and will pass.

A few practical things to consider, will DS2 go in a sling? I had a really stretchy fabric one for when DC1 was born and it was a lifesaver in terms of being able to get on with things. I pretty much wore it all day and just popped her in and out to feed (I never mastered feeding in the sling)

Secondly is there a playgroup nearby you could try going to even just one morning a week. It means other adults and children around for DS1 to bounce off and extra pairs of hands if you want someone to hold DS2 for a while.

Finally attempting to go to the shops in this situation is (IMO) the way madness lies. Unless you actually WANT to go to the shops just get everything online for a few weeks until things settle down a bit.

I think 13 months ish can be a bit of a tricky age any way even without a newborn thrown into the mix. They are developing so quickly at this age with speech and mobility it's no wonder DS1 is getting cross.

Housework can go to fuck for a bit too. Just sit and get through the day as best you can with the both of them.

Annwithnoe Thu 08-Feb-18 17:12:12

It’s so normal!
Overnight your little baby becomes this over grown creature with ludicrously long arms and legs, compared with the “proper” new baby. And all your protective instincts are highly tuned to the new one.

These tips helped me and might be useful:
Talk to the new baby about the older child: new baby only heard the tone of your voice and older baby will hear you praising them. It helps stave off jealousy and the older one won’t feel a huge loss of your attention.

Smile, even if you have to force yourself, every time you look at older child.

Keep the key points in the older child’s day consistent - meal times, nap times but let the “extras” slide for a bit.

Watch out for the times when the older child really needs you - maybe bedtime or waking from a nap, and prioritize them then.

It’s not a disaster to let one of them cry, because no matter how hard you try it will happen eventually so give yourself permission to be ok about it.

Younger dc have an incredible tolerance for listening to screaming and for being dumped in the peak mid way through a feed.

This is tough but in a few weeks you are going to have a core of steel and be a force of nature!

Prusik Thu 08-Feb-18 19:20:36

DS2 is really still very small to go in a sling. He's just about able to now as long as I'm careful with how I tie it. He's now 6lb6. I'll definitely get him in there tomorrow though.

DS isn't sparky enough to help or really understand anything other than the fact that I'm less available. Just makes me so sad.

I'm dreading tomorrow and in tears about the thought of it already.

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid Thu 08-Feb-18 19:24:44

No words of wisdom here but just wanted to say that you sound like you are doing a great job. Don’t give yourself such a hard time!

KatnissK Thu 08-Feb-18 19:27:33

OP you sound like you are doing a fab job! I struggle with one baby and you have two so you're doing amazingly! You do sound quite upset - do you have a partner or family or friends who could help out a bit? Take care of yourself and if you are feeling really down then tell someone (midwife / HV / GP) just in case it's PND. Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

Bobbybobbins Thu 08-Feb-18 19:30:07

I know what you mean, though my eldest was a little bit older at 22 months when I had younger DS. One thing I tried to do was have special books and things to do with eldest sitting next to me while
I was feeding (also ebf Velcro baby). My favourite times became walks with both of them in the double buggy after the first couple of weeks as they would normally both fall asleep. Or driving around in the car while they slept smile

It will get easier - I used to cry too, especially with the sleepless nights. Just focus on head down, getting through each day and don't put yourself under too much pressure. thanks

pastabest Thu 08-Feb-18 19:31:51

Is there anything that DS1 really likes doing?

What's his mobility like?

There is no harm in bunging CBeebies on for a bit throughout the day.

Things will get better, they are both just at really hard work stages flowers

MikeUniformMike Thu 08-Feb-18 19:37:02

Cut yourself some slack - you've got two babies. DC1 is often a nightmare when DC2 turns up. Even angelic DC1s.
Don't hate yourself.
Best wishes.

RoryAndLogan Thu 08-Feb-18 19:51:57

No pearls of wisdom unfortunately as I only have one and find that enough of a daily battle (they aren't even at the crawling stage yet and I still can barely cope!) but wanted to say it sounds like you're doing fantastically and to keep battling on and hopefully every day gets a little easier.

Prusik Thu 08-Feb-18 19:52:50

DS1 likes to climb and find new ways to try to kill himself. He doesn't sit for books or cuddles, won't watch tv or generally do anything peaceful. It's mostly climbing on me or the sofa. However he very much does like food so will spend 3 or 4 good chunks of the day having either a meal or a snack. He doesn't yet walk or talk but is very close to walking.

He's had a few minor health problems over the past 13 months and we haven't been able to get out much. He's fine now but at groups is generally a bit clingy.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow so that'll help. I just absolutely hate when ds1 is upset (he's very dramatic and very vocal - think he'll be a demanding toddler)

Popskipiekin Thu 08-Feb-18 20:04:25

I think you’re amazing. My DS2 is now 13 months and I can’t fathom having to deal with another baby! See if you can give DH the project of sourcing regular free/low cost help for you. Eg trainee nursery nurses/nannies/post natal doulas/childcare students etc.
Could a grandparent come regularly to give you a break?
I think working out where each child fits in your life can be quite difficult. I actually almost had the opposite problem - DC1 was so established in our affections, I was a bit on autopilot for DC2 and then felt guilty not to be giving him enough attention.
13 months is very tough as interest in “electronic babysitters” may not come for a while! So DS2 is simply going to have to get used to the sling, and they’re both going to have to learn to wait. I did do a big performance (all for DS1) of telling DS2 he would have to wait for his feed as I was talking to/playing with/getting food ready for DS1 etc, just so when it was the other way around DS1 wouldn’t be too put out... no idea if it worked, made me feel better though!

Prusik Thu 08-Feb-18 20:37:58

I really like the idea of getting someone in. I have a couple of girls who used to babysit for ds2. I'm sure they'd happily come for some pocket money.

My mum is awesome but works full time and lives 2 hours away. PILs like to try to be helpful but just create more work in the long run and are kind of stressful tbf.

DS2 is snoozing on my lap. Going to grab a shower. My last shower was interrupted after five minutes grin

Foggymist Thu 08-Feb-18 21:43:08

You can wear a baby in a sling once they're over 5lbs.

Movablefeast Thu 08-Feb-18 22:16:11

Get as much help as possible, let your health visitor and midwife know that you are feeling overwhelmed and ask for resources they know of. I think it would be good to keep in close contact with them to help ward off PND. Get people in so you can get some sleep, as sleep deprivation makes everything so much harder.

You are a wonderful mum.

HughLauriesStubble Thu 08-Feb-18 22:27:03

I had a 12 month age gap so I totally get what you're going through. You basically have 2 babies, except 1 is a tiny squishy squeaky newborn, and the other is a loud, wilful, strong 13 month old.

Do you have a double buggy? I forced myself to load both children into the buggy and out for a walk every day. In the beginning it would literally take hours to get ready, and I'd only be able to stay out for short periods as the newborn was bfing often. But something as small as a walk around the block was enough to give both me and the older child a breather and change of scenery.

I found the first 4 months the hardest, and then once the newborn feeds became less frequent, things eased up a lot. Also, cbeebies is your friend. And I kept a 'busy box' of engrossing toys on hand for the older child while I was feeding the younger. And if at all possible, try and have at least a few minutes every day one-on-one with the older child.

You can do it op!

PoshPenny Thu 08-Feb-18 22:48:33

I have 13 months and 1 week between my girls, now grown up. That first year was absolutely gruelling. Get all the help you can, cut yourself some slack and don't try to do it all on your own. It's like twins but possibly worse as they have such different needs. My younger one turned out to be a colicy baby who insisted on co sleeping and breastfeeding only until she was over 9 months old. Even the midwives hadn't managed to get her sleeping on her own in the hospital. If she'd been first there is no way there'd have been such a close gap! The sling is a great idea. My younger also spent quite a lot of time sat in her car seat on top of the cooker to keep her out of the way of her big sister who had a nice line in starting off being nice and kissing her, then a glint would appear in her eye and she'd be biting her. I was "saved" by becoming a placement for student nannies from the local college. My girls have turned out to be such good friends, surprisingly different considering they were raised exactly the same. It's lovely when the younger one comes home from uni, and older one is so excited to see her. It will get better as you get the baby into a routine. Have you considered a playpen they're quite good for keeping babies safe, either the older or younger one depending on what's needed at the time! I promise you it will get better. I never planned to have them so close together and I don't think that helped me at first. Actually it turned out to be wonderful having them with such similar interests as they got older. Looking back I have no regrets, just that first year to get through, but of course that gets better and better as the older one starts to walk, and the baby gets a routine going. It will get better I promise thanks

Prusik Fri 09-Feb-18 02:56:03

You guys are all awesome, thankyou. I've got the playpen set up in the living room. Ds2 hates being put down and is often sick when he's put flat but he's safe for nappy changes for ds1, at least. I'll use the sling today.

I'll also contact my health visitor, that's a good idea.

Prusik Fri 09-Feb-18 07:34:29

Everybody dressed, DH has left, newborn safely bundled into sling. Sorta worry that one of his legs is a bit too frogged up but he seems happy enough. Ds1 has had breakfast and by some miracle, playing happily. Interesting to see how nap time goes! Hopefully I'll keep my sanity today because my friend has cancelled

pastabest Fri 09-Feb-18 07:48:34

Ah ha it's these kind of days I pull all the cushions off the sofa and bring some pillows down to make 'soft play' in the living room. Keeps DD busy for at least 10 mins while I have a coffee grin

Don't worry about the frogged leg, I don't think it matters too much at this stage and let's face it he will be out soon enough wanting a feed any way and you can have a reshuffle then if you think he's uncomfortable.

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