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How much does your partner actually do?

(11 Posts)
Beachballsforme Mon 05-Feb-18 19:20:43

Just that really. In terms of parenting how do you make it work?

At loggerheads at the moment in our house - DH works condensed hours away from home (so full time hours over 4 days and is away 3 nights per week) and I work 3 days, plus do all the housework, admin, shopping, cooking etc. DH looks after DS the one week day he is off while I work, and does house-y jobs like DIY now & again. DS has 2 other days in nursery while I work which is the days DH is away.

DH has a sports activity (competitive level) which takes up one full weekend day and a couple of evenings when he is home. Says he needs to do this to ‘be himself’ which I do understand.... however, I don’t have time for hobbies or interests and only occasionally manage a night in/out with friends (once every few months!) We have no real reliable help nearby.

Is this normal? Is it just what you have to do during this phase? DS is coming up to 2 and we have another on the way and I don’t think this is sustainable... Suck it up or am I a mug?

WhyTheHeckMe Mon 05-Feb-18 19:56:53

Feel your pain! DS just turned 2 and I'm 29 weeks pregnant.
Dh thankfully doesn't work away but I still didn't feel he was helping. He plays snooker every week as well as watches the football, goes for fortnightly haircuts etc.
I have my hair done every 12 weeks and end up asking my mum to assist as dh too busy commit to look after ds!
To be honest our relationship reached breaking point over this a few months back. I work 4 full days.
We have now compromised that he does at least 2 nursery drop offs a week. I cook every night and he cleans up after. He no longer goes to snooker till ds is in bed which is 7pm to assist with bedtime routine.
He puts the bins out, steam mops the floors and vacuums. I dust the house and do the general tidying. He strips the beds. We have a cleaner once a week to thoroughly do the kitchen and bathrooms which costs £12.50 and again, was a massive help.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and our relationship is much better as a result.
I wish I knew why as women everything seems to fall on our shoulders!
Try and come up with a compromise with him if you can OP x

InDubiousBattle Mon 05-Feb-18 21:07:53

So he's away 3 days a week a do then does his sport 2 nights plus a whole weekend day? Only actually with you for 2 nights a week? He should be doing more and to be perfectly honest you'll need him to when you have tour second. Basically if you did what he does and had 2 nights and one full day to your self you would have literally no time together either as a couple or a family. You should have one night each a week to do what you like and then maybe half a weekend day or a full day every other week each. On the day he does childcare he should do some housework too.

Chosenbyyou Tue 06-Feb-18 05:36:46

Hi

We probably have a similar set up to you if you look at the bare bones of it! I work four days - use nursery for three days and DH does one week day. He is a doctor so works shifts, often the weekend and also sleeps off night shifts.

We have a 3 year old and a 10m old. For me the second was a game changer and has been much harder than I expected. I have recently gone back to work and we are both feeling the strain. The second baby was fairly 'easy' and then hit six months and has been really hard work - grumpy, clingy, not sleeping and unhappy. Hopefully you will get a different one!

I do all nighttime wakes cuz I find it easier being on my own a lot at night just to rely on myself and do my thing!he does some mornings when he can so I can lie in (bed and listen to them downstairs!).

DH now has no real hobbies. He was going to the gym (as was I) but I find bedtime for two on my own really hard so he has put that on hold for a month. He does his share in practical terms but I do all the mental load. We have a cleaner which stopped all those arguments lol!

We are both finding things hard and I actively try not to bicker and fall out cuz I know we are just both knackered!

Hope this doesn't come across negative - I have tried to be honest! smile

X

Beachballsforme Tue 06-Feb-18 10:30:56

Thanks for the replies smile

I guess it’s just very hard isn’t it! Sounds like investing in a cleaner might save a bit of my sanity! It’s just the two/three nights at home by myself I find exhausts me for the rest of the week.

Chosenbyyou it does sound like a really similar set up...

The reason DH doesn’t work 5 days and condenses his hours is so that he can continue this activity (I can’t really call it a hobby as he used to be professional and it’s pretty vital to who he is IYSWIM)
I think he knows he’ll have to pull his finger out a bit when next baby is born, so is trying to do as much now as he can. Not helpful but I’ll never understand what goes on in the mind of a man!

Thanks again for your replies xx

SleepingStandingUp Tue 06-Feb-18 10:33:57

My DH shares any toddler duties once he's home. Whoever smells it changes it. He does bedtime most nights. I do overnights as i don't work. Weekends we split it, he does a lot of the feeds. I always have the option of a few hour out.

What Would happen next time you're both home you just announced you were off out for coffee and did that weekly?

InDubiousBattle Tue 06-Feb-18 12:45:15

I think it's pretty easy to understand what is going through his mind! Me...work....work..work....Ds. ..me...my hobby.....Mmy sport...work...me....my self worth...me again! He needs to understand that when you have two small children sacrifices have to be made. You should not be the one making them all. As sleeping says when you have two you really need to work together and divide and conquer the kids. Get a cleaner. Go out one night a week. Every other weekend have a morning or afternoon to yourself.

Amatree Wed 07-Feb-18 13:20:10

DH and I both work four days a week and look after DS on our days off so he's in nursery three days. I do all nursery drop offs and DH does all pick ups. But we swap things around to help each other out when work means we have to travel etc.

At weekends we have one lie in each and the other one gets up with DS who wakes around 6am.

We bath DS together and take it in turns to put him down while the other does dinner.

We have a cleaner but I would say I do more of the remaining household jobs. I don't mind though as I have much higher standards than DH and I quite like cleaning. DH does all the DIY and house maintenance anyway so it evens out.

I'm very happy with our set up and can hand on heart say I feel like a team. No doubt chaos will follow the arrival of number two later this year but I have no worries about DH stepping up. He always shared night wakings with DS although I did them in the week if he was working then he'd do them all on a Friday night so I got a good sleep for the weekend.

DH does triathlons but he always schedules training at lunchtime while DS is napping or very early on a weekend day so it doesn't disrupt family time. He also looks after DS happily while I do things like getting my haircut. Neither of us are really drinkers so we are mainly in during the evenings together but every week or two one of us goes out with friends after DS is in bed.

I honestly couldn't deal with a husband that worked away all week, I applaud people who cope with that!

KimmySchmidt1 Wed 07-Feb-18 13:50:14

No way I’m doing more than half housework when our baby is born - if your DH wants the luxury of finding himself three times a week he can either find other time to do half the house work or pay a cleaner.

Caterina99 Thu 08-Feb-18 18:00:39

Until our 3 month old DD was born I was quite happy with our split. My DH is pretty hands on with our 2.5 year old DS. He works full time (about 8.30-6.30 out of house mom-fri) and I’m a sahm. He has one night out every week doing a hobby, but usually does bedtime the other days and I go out with friends quite often. I do all cooking, cleaning, mental load etc, although he does diy and gardening etc. on a weekend we have one lie in each and some time to ourselves as well as family time.

Our problem now is DD is majority breast fed and so I feel like I never get any down time as I do pretty much all feeds for her, including night time so I’m tired. As well as dealing with a toddler all day. DH seems to think all cooking and cleaning etc are still my domain, although he would do it if I asked him to. I know this is a diffcult time with a small baby and a toddler, so I’m just riding it out and trying not to get too annoyed at him.

If you’re finding it hard now, then it will be much harder with a new baby so you need to be clear what your expectations of him are

expatinscotland Thu 08-Feb-18 18:03:35

Part of who he is now is a father. He's having you on and taking the piss.

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