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Punishing a child for trying to kill himself?

28 replies

dentydown · 23/01/2018 10:31

It’s that really. Every morning we are late. He hates school. He doesn’t want to go. I am in trouble because of the lateness. His brother is late as well.
It all came to a head where I caught him poking a fork in a plug socket saying he wanted to die instead of going to school.
What do I do from here? Should I punish him? Should I be nice?
I have spoken to the school about a few minor things troubling him but he still doesn’t want to go. He is 6.

OP posts:
Bungleboggs · 23/01/2018 10:33

I think you need to make a GP appointment to discuss. He needs help and support. Must be so hard for you Flowers

Afreshcuppateaplease · 23/01/2018 10:34

Christ

Dont punish him he needs help clearly

DriggleDraggle · 23/01/2018 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopeAndJoy16 · 23/01/2018 10:35

No, don't punish him!! You need to get to the route of why he doesn't want to go to school. He's obviously very distressed if he's trying to kill himself?! Speak to school, speak to your gp and speak to your son. I'm sure others will be along with more advice

HopeAndJoy16 · 23/01/2018 10:36

Root*

MyDcAreMarvel · 23/01/2018 10:37

Your poor ds, he needs an urgent camhs referal, and a meeting at school asap.

dentydown · 23/01/2018 10:38

This is the thing, I am not sure whether he is serious, or whether he wants attention, and just hasn’t thought it through poking something into a plug socket.


The school want him in on time so are not really interested. I think I am doing quite well getting him in everyday because he starts off distressed in the morning and I manage to cox him in. But unfortunately late is late.

I probably will get a GP appointment because reading the op it sounds like he needs help.

OP posts:
DriggleDraggle · 23/01/2018 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dentydown · 23/01/2018 10:40

This is bonkers I’m taking him to the go tomorrow. Thank you.;

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 23/01/2018 10:41

You need to talk to him . Ask him why he doesn’t want to go to school.
If there is not an obvious reason do seek medical advice this is not normal behaviour for a child.

DriggleDraggle · 23/01/2018 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 23/01/2018 10:43

The school should be helping with this. Flag it again. Put the ball in their court. Ask them how they intend to support your son in making a better transition.

IAmBreakmasterCylinder · 23/01/2018 10:44

The school absolutely should be helping you, not just berating you for lateness.

They need to help you to find out if there is anything going on at school, helping you and him develop strategies and generally being supportive.

My DS is 12 and sometimes tries to avoid school. We have identified a general anxiety issue and school have been helpful and supportive.

I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s so hard Flowers

dentydown · 23/01/2018 10:50

Here does seem to be something going on with another kid, he seems to be anxious about him “annoying him” the thing is, I don’t know if he is using it for an excuse for something else. His teacher is lovely and she had a word with this other child (she seemed to know who we were talking about) but he seems to have anxiety over this even though this kid wasn’t there yesterday. It was something along the lines of “he wasn’t here today but he may be here tonnorrow”

OP posts:
Theresahairbrushinthefridge · 23/01/2018 10:51

You need to make it clear to the school there is a real problem.

Ask to have a meeting with his teacher and the Head if necessary. Do this in writing explaining what you want to discuss.

It is important that you are not viewed as a family who can't get their children to school on time. Instead you need the school to support you in addressing whatever problem your child is facing.

Can you see a counsellor privately. I did. Was then able to talk to the school with their authority backing me.

Go to the GP too but there may be a wait to see someone.

Good luck.

Theresahairbrushinthefridge · 23/01/2018 10:54

If he has anxiety he may not be able to explain what it is that is wrong. He may not know. Then feel that there is something wrong with him because everyone asks what is wrong.

Try the book What to do if you are a child that worries too much.

sinceyouask · 23/01/2018 10:56

It all came to a head where I caught him poking a fork in a plug socket saying he wanted to die instead of going to school.

What do I do from here?
Seek help. Go to the GP, for starters.

Should I punish him?
No.

Should I be nice?
Yes.

BarbarianMum · 23/01/2018 12:01

He needs help and support. Whatever the problem is (anxiety, fear, conflict with another child, wanting attention) it is real to him.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 23/01/2018 12:03
Confused
octoberfarm · 23/01/2018 12:12

Please, whatever you do, don't punish him. Even if he was only poking something into a socket "for attention" as you may see it, the fact he's going to those extremes for attention is an issue in itself, not to mention if he actually feels like death is better than school. He must be so scared, and it must be so hard if the school aren't supportive, but definitely get him straight to the GP to ask for counseling/an assessment/support and keep pushing the school until they take this seriously. Maybe also have a google of "school refusal", it sounds like he's getting super anxious about school/peer interactions, and it's not that uncommon, but he needs your help. Good luck OP Thanks

KnitFastDieWarm · 23/01/2018 12:14

'Annoying him' is small child code for 'making my school life a hellish mess of anxiety, fear and misery'. I know because I was that child for about a decade and I didn't want to admit how bad things were either to myself or anyone else. I dreaded school and lived in fear every day.
Poor baby Sad

WellThisIsShit · 23/01/2018 12:26

Sounds like the school have got you believing that it doesn’t matter what distress he shows, you ‘must’ ignore it all and get him into school by the bell.

You need to snap out of this mode of thinking, as it’s horrendous in the context of a child trying to kill himself but the adults around him making it clear that no one cares and all that matters is that bell.

Not blaming you, schools can be very persuasive and are obviously treating you as a family who have a problem with punctuality.

Whereas you are a parent who’s little boy is so desperate, sad and anxious he’s looking for ways to kill himself rather than go back into a situation at school.

As a previous poster writes, you need to reframe the problem to the school, and get them focused on the reality of the situation. It’s urgent and important, and they need to respond to it with all their expertise ASAP.

Does the school have a children’s counsellor? Ds’s school do and he saw her for two terms, and it was really great.

By the way, at your ds’s age, he won’t really understand the permanence of death, and he may well have been experimenting with the idea of ‘not being there’ in a very childlike way, not as we understand it.

So please take some comfort from this, but also, don’t let others ‘explain it away’, and not take it seriously because he’s too young and probably ‘doing it for attention’.

It’s still a very extreme action and one that could have gone horribly, tragically wrong. It’s also indicative of his state of mind, regardless of whether he fully understands the concept of death, he is so worried about a situation at school that he’s looking for any way out, and feeling that death is preferable to being in that class room is NOT normal, and can not be explained away or minimised.

I’m writing this because you need to change mindsets yourself from ‘distress before school = punishment’, and you also need to shift the schools mindset with yours.

And I suspect that people will want to stay in their comfortable world of punctuality and ‘oh kids cry then forget all about it later it’s fine’. It’s much nicer to be in that world than in the more serious world where children’s feelings need taking very seriously and there is actually an urgent and important issue that needs resolving with actions, not just some nice words.

Your little boy needs you to sort this out for him. He’s showing you he cannot cope, and he cannot bear to have his distress ignored any longer. There’s something very important to him that needs resolving. And he needs some emotional support too, to help him.

Starlight2345 · 23/01/2018 12:29

I would also do a bit of probing with your DS if he is been bullied by this child. My son was bullied at that age.. his behaviour changed but I didn't know who for a while till he told me.

I agree about informing the school how bad things are.. maybe talk to lovely teacher

FusionChefGeoff · 23/01/2018 12:30

Definitely terrible attitude from the school.

Drastic but is there another school option?? I'd be looking into it at least as a) DS is so desperately unhappy there and b) they don't seem to give a shiny shit

PeaceLoveAndDixie · 23/01/2018 12:31

Don't take him back to that school. Deregister him and keep him home and get him help. He needs you to make him feel safe.

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