my wife won't allow me to travel alone with our 4-year old daughter

[fritzke72]

Hello,
I'm looking for some advice here.
My wife cannot make it to the family weekend my parents organize every year. She has to work on the Friday and Monday so traveling from Sat to Sun with our 1-year old boy for about 4 hours each day, doesn't make much sense. I agree with that. It's hard enough for a 1-year old boy to sit in the car for that long.
I would really like to go and suggested to take our 4-year old daughter from Sat to Sun, staying there overnight for 1 night. She doesn't want me to take our daughter away from her for one night. She says that that is not an option in the foreseeable future. She just doesn't want to be separated from her for any night.
I am finding that hard to understand. I look after the kids a lot, and she trusts me fully with looking after them. Why would she not let me go with our daughter for 1 night? I don't know how to deal with this.
Any advice is welcome, thanks.

[Greensleeves]

What reasoning has she given you? It's hard to comment without knowing more of the background, but on the face of it it does seem odd. You're her dad

[EchidnasPhone]

She doesn’t get the option of letting you & it must be quite insulting to have her say that you can’t. You need to approach it that you understand she may have some anxiety but ultimately you are both her parents & you have decided you are going. Has she or you both had a babysitter at some point? Children in nursery? Seems very over the top for her to say no.

[MiniAlphaBravo]

She is your daughter too so I think your dw is being rather unreasonable. Maybe she has a lot of anxiety? I assume there haven't been any major problems when you've been with the kids previously on your own? My dh has taken my dd away before and I felt perfectly confident about it. Especially as he was also visiting family (like you want to) and so he had extra support if need be.

[PositivelyPERF]

How does she get on with your family?

[kittensinmydinner1]

You are an equal parent. She doesn't get to say no anymore than you could refuse her doing the same. Does she normally act as though the dc are 'hers' only. ?

[DrWhy]

Is there any reason for her not to trust you or your family alone with your dd? Otherwise it seems very odd, my DH has had our ds alone overnight when I’ve been away for work since he was just over a year. He’s also travelled overseas alone with him to meet me. I wouldn’t trust anyone else overnight with ds yet at 16 months, aside from possibly his grandparents but his own dad, of course.

[greenlynx]

I understand her completely. My husband is lovely caring Dad, he could cope brilliantly without me at home but... his family ( and actually mine) has different views about parenting from ours and being a good son he very often didn't want to say anything or insist on anything.
It's different now but when she was 4 years old I would say "No".
Your wife could get on with your family very well but it could be just one issue like food or sleep or particular habbit she's disagree with your mum ( or anyone else who will be at this weekend) but she might feel that it's very important for your daughter at the moment.

[Greensleeves]

But greenlynx, you would have no right to "say no"

Unless the little girl's safety is actually at risk. He's her dad fgs!

[20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag]

I get it. It's got nothing to do with you, she just doesn't want to be unnecessarily away from her kid over night

[Jigglytuff]

Why do you need her permission? Is there some back story you’re not telling us?

[greenlynx]

Of course, it wouldn't be blant no , I would try explaining but still I would be against it. It was my experience

[Oblomov18]

I don't get it. Why being away from her 4 year old, for ONE night, when the dd is with her DAD, is unreasonable.
If her dad is at all capable, which he appears to be.
Is she generally unreasonable? Got anxiety?

[NapQueen]

Gosh she is being incredibly unreasonable! Unless there is a background youve not shared.

Why is her answer the overriding one?

[fritzke72]

That’s it! But it’s not enough for me, I think it’s an issue, it’s all about anxieties.

[fritzke72]

I was replying to the answer by 20Pounds... she just doesn’t want to unnecessarily be separate for a night

[fritzke72]

Our 4-year old has gone to nursery for almost 1,5 years. My wife admits it’s an anxiety issue, how can I tell her in a kind way to try to deal with that anxiety or just live with it?

[RainbowWish]

Does she work full time ?
Maybe she just doesn't want to miss out on the only stress free time she will get with dd this week.

If it is anxiety related it would be totally unfair to push her into something she is not quite comfortable with.
If something risked my dps mental health I would not take a risk.

[MsGameandWatching]

I was like this. It was because my ex drank a lot and so did his family. Kids were looked after but it could sometimes get rather chaotic. They also thought nothing of arguing in front of small kids right over the top of their heads at times. Anything like that going on?

[20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag]

Look it's not a night, it's a weekend. You say she works all week so of course she would be upset. Is it really that important you go? Could you go on your own if you really want to? If you say no I'm taking her is it really worth the damage to your marriage? If she is suffering with mental health she needs your support not opposition

[Snowdrop18]

this isn't about her doubting you though is it?

it's that she doesn't want her DD away from her.

My mum would have been the same about me! Not doubting my dad in the slightest, just didn't want small DC away from her.

[PositivelyPERF]

How does your wife get on with your parents and the rest of your family?

[HipNewName]

If the only problem is her anxiety, then perhaps counseling / meds are in order. There's no reason that a 4 year old can't spend 1 night with a trusted family member, especially their father. Your DD will need to separate from her mother for all sorts of things -- sleep overs with friends, girl guides, school trips, etc. Although those come at different ages and stages, a 1 night trip with her family at age 4 is a gentle start.

I think you should push the issue for your DD's sake.

(I did feel anxious the first night I was away from DD#1, and honestly with sleepovers, and school trips, and so on, but she went anyway. Good parenting means doing what is best for your child.)

[Viviennemary]

I think she is being very controlling. Why should she have more say in what your daughter does than you have. You need to stand up to her and say you will be taking your DD on this trip. End off.

[fritzke72]

Greenlynx you’re not completely wrong there as our dd has a strict diet but everyone in the family respects it

[HeddaGarbled]

If the only issue is that she is anxious about not being with her daughter for one night, I agree that she is being unreasonable.

But, there are often layers and layers to these disagreements.

Why are your parents organising a family weekend for a weekend when your wife isn't able to attend? Why didn't they consult you about when would be a good weekend for you both? Is your wife resentful and hurt that you want to go away without her? Are your parents deliberately excluding her? Do you prioritise your parents' feelings over your wife's feelings?