Newborn, MIL and depression(46 Posts)
My baby is 2 weeks old tomorrow and it's been awful so far. The birth was abit traumatic but what s worse is it's a massive shock to the system and I'm suffering pretty bad sleep deprivation. She's suffering with colic and night times are just gone for me.
I've contacted my gp and currently having counselling. I don't feel like I'm bonding with my child im just getting on with things. I feel extremely lonely as my family all live a few hours away and can't easily come and visit. They have been around but as I said it's not easy. I miss them so much.
My partner has his mum who lives the next street over and his sister who lives around the corner. Since I have come home from hospital his family have come almost every day. My first day out of hospital was entertaining 8 people as they played pass the parcel with my baby.
His mum keeps phoning constantly and making shitty comments saying she doesn't feel like she has a grand daughter. She calls my partner and has a go that she never gets to see her or spend time with her. She comes around almost every day. She is rude and even picked my baby up once and woke her while she was sleeping and carried her off into a different room. His mum keeps trying to force herself on us demanding to come and help at night and stop over to cuddle the baby.
I feel like she is taking advantage of the sleep deprivation and turning me and my partner against each other. Were arguing alot and I don't want his mum over 24/7 when im all over the place and trying to get some kind of quality of life. If she wants to help she can do other things like we have nothing in the house and I haven't had time to go to the shop and I haven't been eating she could get bread if she wants to help not make demands to have my daughter or stick her nose in all the time.
I feel like she is just a baby snatcher and me and my partner are constantly falling out. I over hear his mum talking bad about me all the time.
I can't cope I feel like driving off to my family's but it's not really ideal at the moment.
I don't even know the point of this post or what advice I'm looking for I just feel completely and utterly down and lost and awful and I'm constantly having to deal with the shittyness of his family.
My mum never gets to see my daughter and his mom whinges about not bonding with her when she forces her way into the house each day it's not fair. I feel like I'm out of control with it all and my partner doesn't get that I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all
You need a gatekeeper
Can you invite your mum or a sister or a friend to come and field the mil's demands for a few days until you get a routine established. Someone who will fend for themselves and maybe do a bit of house work for you.
Could you explain to your dp that You need him to tell MIL that you need leaving alone for a few days to relax and bond, to get some peace and have some mum & baby time.
And if that fails, yes why not go to your mum and let her spoil you for a little while?
Or perhaps just show him this conversation. Some men are not very perceptive when it comes to their mums.
I think driving off to your family is absolutely ideal and what you should do. Provided you are safe to drive. Sod that for a game of soldiers. It's all about her isn't it??
Why do you let her in or answer the phone?
Tell your partner that he either stands up for you or he can leave - he should have your back
Then tell MIL to do one - she can come round when invited
I can't cope I feel like driving off to my family's but it's not really ideal at the moment.
That is exactly what I would want to do!
Your MIL is being awful-how dare she?! Did she have her own mother in law barging into her house every single day?!
Why the hell isn't your DH protecting you-I think I’d be saying, ‘only one of us can be happy at the moment-it’s me or her!’
Ugh, I feel so angry for you! You feel like you've been hit by a train and you're trying to recover and bond with your baby, the last thing you need is her busybodying around the place undermining you and getting in between you and your daughter.
Agree with pp that you need a gatekeeper. Ideally your dp if he can pull his head out of his arse long enough to tell his mother to back off. If not, a friend or relative of yours who can fend her off and give her jobs to do. If this isn't feasible, maybe you could go to your mum's for a bit? This is serious; you're at increased risk of PND if you're not given space to recuperate and spend alone time with your baby
I'm going way out on a limb here, simply because I struggled with severe PND after DC2.
Could you make use of her and have a good 2 hour nap every day while she coos over baby and does her little 'Look At Me! I'm Bonding!" rain dance?
Getting some sleep is essential. This is totally not meant to devalue your feelings or diminish what you're going through with her. I completely sympathise. But at this point, I'd actually use this to my advantage to get some midday shuteye if I were you. It will actually clear your head and you'll be able to manage the situation better with more rest.
Could have written this myself, DD is now 3 months and trust me, it’s a lot easier! At first she suffered with colic, reflux, wasn’t sleeping, had lots of guests and a partner who did nothing! The first few weeks are like a whirl wind and everything feels like winging it. You’re really not alone, my sister refused any guests for the first 2 weeks apart from very close family, they thought it was rude but I 110% understand why she did it! At the moment it’s like you are your babies slave, your baby cannot do much at the minute apart from eat, sleep and cry so no wonder you don’t feel a bond, it’s still very much early days but trust me when I say, it does get much better once you start to get a little routine and your baby learns all these new things. As for your mother in law, she should understand. YOU are her mother, HE is her father, you both need alone time to get to know your baby. Maybe have a little word and tell her straight, you don’t feel like you’re having enough alone time with your baby and feeling pressure at the moment. Hopefully, the more honest you are (as difficult as it may be) the more she will understand and back off. My MIL was the same, first grandchild and coming every day, it’s frustrating but now it’s only once a week. Just keep in mind every day is different and it will get easier. Good luck Op and congratulations!
You need to explain to your dp she isn't helping you manage - the opposite in fact!! Maybe he thinks she is actually helpful? Don't answer the door, switch you phone off. Text her first thing, say you are having some space today, dp will text her later. Leave him to deal with her. Close the curtains if necessary. Or drive to your family for a break!!
Will your family help if you go to them? Are you able to get yourself there? I’d strongly consider going there and dealing with the rest of the fall out later. Ideally your DP would agree or come with but even if he doesn’t, you do need to take care of yourself.
If she REALLY wants to help she can go do a basic shop, put a load (or 2) of washing in, and push round the cleaner.
If she doesn’t want to do those things then she doesn’t really want to help.
My MIL is lovely but she only ever wanted to come around and play/coo over my DS rather than do cooking cleaning etc so I always said “it’s a lovely day for a walk, could you take the baby out for me?” So I could get some rest/have a shower in peace! You need serious looking after in these first few weeks especially if you feel like you’re not bonding with the baby (I went bonkers after DS was born as I didn’t feel like I knew who this little person was that had “suddenly” turned up - sure the traumatic birth was to blame for not bonding as soon as I felt like I should have) you shouldn’t feel like you have to entertain people. The only thing you should have to focus on is spending lots of time snuggling your baby and sleeping as and when you can. I had a sling which meant I could keep DS close while getting breakfast/lunch/going to the loo which helped with bonding. Good luck!
How are you supposed to bond with the baby? Go out. Or if you don't want to, tell her you have and don't answer the door.
Could your own mum come and stay for a few days and help sort things out by explaining calmly to your partner what you need? It does sound horrible and not what you need.
Or could you go stay with your own family?you have to put yourself first here because the baby needs you and nobody else
You're all being unreasonable. It's not about you. It's about her. You had this baby for her. Now she is to take over and you should let her. When she's there you should just sit in a dark corner and be seen and not heard. Bet the baby looks just like her son did??
I could drive to my parents but it would cause more hassle with my partner and my family all work / are having some major building work done to the house so they would take me but as I said it's just not ideal. Really I shouldn't have to feel so awful in my home here.
I really don't want my partners relationship to suffer with his mum / family and I don't want to completely fuck them off because I do respect the fact that they are related to her (As much as I don't like it at the minute)
It's just his mother's blatant disrespect for our space and I'm trying so hard to find my feet with this parenting stuff and it's so bloody hard. She has this awful sense of entitlement... almost like she is automatically entitled unlimited access to my child at any time.of the day. My partner is trying to keep his mom involved and isn't being completely supportive when it comes to his family. As I said previously I think his mom is taking advantage of the sleep deprivation and putting stuff into his head. Every time she phones him or comes over I hear her talking about me and the fact she can't come and stay over. She lives the next street over ffs!!
I think I do have PND I've got some appointments
I just couldn’t bear this.
If you don’t do something about it now, it’s only going to get worse.
I didn't have PND and I still got my partner to tell my mother in law not to cone over for a few weeks so I could get settled and bond. You just can't do it when people are under your feet. He needs to tell her to back off for a bit
Your MIL seems to think it's all about her right now and her relationship with the baby - totally deluded. You and your DH need to tell her very clearly what is going for you and what you need, setting really clear boundaries. If you can handle having her around at all, let her know how she can help you. If you can't, which is totally understandable, you set limits to visits, e.g once a week. Don't think that because she is a blood relation to you DD that you can't do this, MIL will be back as soon as she gets a chance, regardless what you say to her. Please put yourself and baby first right now, it's so important, and make sure you get the help and support you need with PND.
Hi - do they ask to come round? If they do, say not today and turn your phone off.
If they don't lock the door and if they come round tell them sorry your going for a sleep.
Show your husband/partner the thread. Men have zero idea how vulnerable we can feel at the beginning, your needing some time alone with your baby.
Your Mil seems to think the baby is hers. Set her straight. She clearly has no respect for you.
Your DP needs to grow a pair and support you. Tell him you need to bond properly without interference. Tell Mil not to come round for a few days. Switch phone off and don't answer door.
She will throw a wobbly no doubt, but if you don't set rules now she will forever be popping round constantly.
Wtf does she want to sleep over for?
I bet you’d be bonding just fine if you were left alone to do so
Can you invite them round op? At least then you would know when they were coming, they would know when they get to see dgc again and you can make sure your DH is there and you can go to bed? I feel your pain though, it’s so hard in the beginning, you really do need your own space
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