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PND & Feeling Hopeless

(24 Posts)
Goawaybabyblues Sun 31-Dec-17 10:53:32

I'd love to hear from anyone who has come out the other side, will I enjoy my life again? Will I ever enjoy being a Mum? Will I feel like myself?

I feel like there's a belt around my chest anytime I think of spending my days alone with the baby when my Dh goes back to work after Xmas. I have loads of support from my Mum and go there 3 days a week at the moment but those two days alone terrify me. So far since the baby was born I have attempted 4 days alone and on each of them I broke down and cried most the day, getting into a complete state.

I am taking Sertaline and am on day 9. I keep setting timescales for myself ... it was all going to get better at 6 weeks. Or after Xmas. And I've stupidly read loads of posts on here about the drug and am clinging to 10 days as a few people said that's when it got better for them. But I know logically I'm not going to wake up tomorrow feeling any different.

The baby had her 6w growth spurt and now a cold. For the first time last night I let my DH do a night (he has offered but I've been too scared. I associate the way I feel with sleep deprivation and stupidly felt if I kept him awake he would feel like this too). I didn't want to be alone so slept in our bed with ear plugs. After 6 weeks of sleep deprivation which is a big factor in all this it was a relief to sleep but I woke up a lot and don't feel much better for it today.

I just want to wake up and not feel like this. Throughout everything I have managed to keep up some faith that what everyone has told me is true, I will get better. But somehow this week that's all just gone. I feel terrified that the drugs may ease the depression but that I still won't like being around my baby, my life and that my bond won't be what it should.

In the past 9 days on Sertaline I've had some good days. The first 3, I felt 100% my old self and even spoke with my DH retrospectively about PND. "Can't believe how intense that was. So glad it's over" type of thing. I honestly felt I had turned a corner. But after a bad nights sleep on day 4 bam, I woke up with the dark cloud again.

I can't decide if I liked feeling myself again as it shows I will soon feel ok again. Or if it's worse ... Cruel almost. As it highlighted how awful the bad days are and it's making it harder to cope. After a better nights sleep I really hoped I would wake up to another good day, like a holiday from my brain. But sadly not.

She was very much wanted and I have no idea why this had to happen to me. I know that I'm tired, that the baby is ill etc and that the first 2 weeks on an AD are the hardest ... but I'm really struggling to feel anything positive so I'd love to hear some positive stories and any advise.

Goawaybabyblues Sun 31-Dec-17 10:59:48

Sorry for the numerous spelling mistakes and incoherent rambling.

Sipperskipper Mon 01-Jan-18 10:32:52

Sending you lots of positive thoughts. I experienced very similar when my dd was born in May. Very similar feelings / anxieties around sleep deprivation too. It was absolute hell.

I was also started on Sertraline - I found that after a couple of weeks I noticed I was having more good days than bad. Then pretty much all good days after a while. At 10 weeks we booked an impromptu little holiday to Yorkshire - there is NO WAY I could have believed I would have been able, or wanted to do that just a few weeks before.

I remember thinking my life was over, and every day I woke up, I was disappointed. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want the day to start.

Are you bf or ff? I loved a lot about breastfeeding, but for me it did contribute to my PND. The sole responsibility issue was hard (even though I expressed some), and I found that feeding on demand made it hard to get into any sort of routine, which I found was key to supporting my mental health.

Things will get better. Not straight away and not all at once, but they will. Now DD is 7 months old- she sleeps through the night, has 2 decent naps a day, and is the happiest baby I have ever met. We have so much fun together, and I feel like I get a better nights sleep now than before I was pregnant!

Goawaybabyblues Mon 01-Jan-18 16:03:47

Thank you for your message it sounds so similar. Especially the bit about waking up every day disappointed, I'm really feeling that at the moment. Was that 10 weeks on Sertaline or when your baby was 10 weeks?

It's so encouraging to hear that things are so much better for you. I'm having a really hard time getting through each day, despite there being no choice it feels like wading through treacle every day. So slow and endless.

I've had a better day today. In lots of ways I'd say I am seeing a positive effect in that I'm not crying most days, staying calmer and feel I am bonding more and more. But I've got no spark, don't enjoy anything and don't know what to do with myself to pass the time because of that.

I'm scared that because I feel so negatively and am just stuck in my head, it'll be harder for me to feel properly better. But I have no idea what to do about that yet.

Sipperskipper Tue 02-Jan-18 06:59:51

When the baby was 10 weeks, I’d say the Sertraline took a good couple of weeks to kick in.

What you are saying sounds so, so familiar. I remember a few weeks after bringing DD home, the little baby blue tits in our nest box that we had been watching for weeks were leaving the nest, something I’d never seen before, and usually would have cried with excitement. I honestly couldn’t have cared less. I had no interest in anything.

Those feelings about being stuck in your head etc are anxiety related - once you start to feel better, they will ease off.

I am completely back to my old self now. So very happy. Things will get better. If you find that they aren’t, please, please go back to your GP - there is so much support out there, and so many things possible with medication tweaks etc.

Sending you virtual hugs. Things really will improve. Xxxx

Goawaybabyblues Tue 02-Jan-18 09:41:33

Thank you so much. I have read your replies when I feel panicked and it really helps. It's SO reassuring to hear you're so happy now. Just need to keep repeating to myself that it will get better and relatively quickly in comparison to the rest of our lives together.

The side effects from the Sertaline were minimal at first but are getting worse. I felt on the verge of a panic attack last night, or what I imagine that feels like as I've never had one thankfully. And I feel sick. But I'm assuming that means it's building up in my system and relief will be along soon.

Thank you very much. I'm so glad for you that it's all behind you now and you're enjoying life. X

Sipperskipper Tue 02-Jan-18 14:45:19

Im glad it helped. Sertraline can sometimes make anxiety a bit worse - my GP told him to let him know if this were the case. I think its just whilst it builds up in your system as you say, but might be worth mentioning.


Goawaybabyblues Tue 02-Jan-18 17:35:36

I hope it'll pass soon but will definitely mention it thank you x

Sipperskipper Sat 06-Jan-18 14:55:02

How are you doing OP? Been thinking of you x

Goawaybabyblues Sat 06-Jan-18 19:19:57

Thank you for coming back, really appreciate your support it's been a big help at a hard time!

Have had a run of really good days. Slight mood dip each day but getting less and less. I've been in my house with the baby for the first time without breaking down and have been pottering about like normal. I've even felt my enjoyment of things creeping back and did a hobby for the first time in months.

Really hoping this continues to build this week! I have so much hope now as I'm having periods of being my old self. It is still a lot of effort to stay positive, I'm busting myself all day and going for long walks when I feel a mood dip coming on but with each day it's got a little bit easier.

As you said, gradually and not all at once but it is getting better!!


Sipperskipper Sat 06-Jan-18 20:52:07

That is bloody brilliant news! You’ve made my day!

It is small steps, but what you’ve said is SO positive - everything is heading in the right direction xxxx

wetpebbles Sat 06-Jan-18 21:16:53

It's worse for low moods having a winter baby so take that into account, it may be cold but try going out for some fresh air and exercise, it's invigorating and good for mental health.

Whatififall Sat 06-Jan-18 21:27:39

You will get better. You will get through it.
It sounds like the sertaline is starting to kick in and I hope that makes a difference longer term for you.
My advice is to stop thinking of deadlines for when you'll be "better". Easier said than done I know but I struggled with that, then the not feeling better by the time I'd set myself so I'd feel like a failure and then feel worse as it's just parenting, anyone can do it, I'm such a bad mother.... it was only really when I accepted I was ill and I'd be better when I was better that things started to improve for me. I put so much pressure on myself and removing that pressure helped. But it took a lot of time to allow myself to do that.

Goawaybabyblues Sun 07-Jan-18 08:32:47

@Whatififall what you've said is so true. I've lived for each deadline and then had to cope with the disappointment. I've been told to live Day by day and started doing that, which has helped a lot recently. Thank you

Goawaybabyblues Sun 07-Jan-18 08:33:49

@wetpebbles It really has made things so much worse, often my mood would be worse on bad weather days. I've been walking for miles and it really helps! But I'm going to be so glad to see Spring.

Goawaybabyblues Sun 07-Jan-18 08:34:01

@Sipperskipper thank you! x

batfestival Fri 09-Feb-18 22:46:04

Just wanted to come back (NC!) and say firstly a big thank you @Sipperskipper, your messages were a big support at a very dark time. But also for anyone who might come across this, that it did get better! As said above, slowly and gradually but it really did. After 3 weeks I felt pretty good but by 4 weeks on Sertaline I felt completely myself again. It's now been 8 and my mood hasn't dipped. I haven't been back to that awful dark place and I love my life and DD. I can't explain how much I appreciate the feeling of enjoying things, hobbies, being a Mum and life in general. I still feel like I'm looking over my shoulder hoping it doesn't return but will keep taking Sertaline for 6 months. I have some side effects but they are a small price to pay for feeling better.

My DD is 3 months old, smiling constantly and an absolute joy. My mum had her for the day the other week and I missed her being around so much. I'm eternally grateful for those who encouraged me to go to the GP as I caught the PND early which has no doubt had a big impact on this outcome.

For anyone in the thick of it with Sertaline, do keep going x

waterrat Sat 10-Feb-18 00:04:15

Op you don't need drugs you need sleep

waterrat Sat 10-Feb-18 00:06:47

Sorry didnt see update sounds like drugs were really positive for you. Good xx

batfestival Sat 10-Feb-18 00:08:30

@waterrat Most definitely needed the drugs sadly haha. Although more sleep has also been very well received!

FrozenMargarita17 Sat 10-Feb-18 00:17:59

Hey. My baby is 6 months now and I'm just coming out of the other end (I think). I still have the odd bad day but nowhere near as much as I used to. It used to be every day, alone and crying over my baby. My husband didn't know what to do or say so would just avoid it or get annoyed at me saying I couldn't do it or I wasn't good enough. I used to sit up at 2/3/4/5 when she would wake up and I'd cry and cry and wish I was dead. She's getting better at sleeping now which makes a huge amount of difference but I felt like I was an oddity and that everyone else could cope and I couldn't. What was wrong with me? Why does everyone else love this? I used to think.

I used to go to baby groups and come out feeling worse because nobody would ever tell the truth about how bad it could be and I felt awful for sitting there talking about how tired I was and how it was really difficult. I didn't get a minute to myself yet there were people there with hair done and nails perfect and make up. I couldn't understand how I was getting it all wrong.

I still don't have any make up on, my clothes are messy a lot, and my hair gets washed once a week but I am happier now. And I don't feel like a fraud when people say 'oh isn't it the best thing ever! It's soooo worth it' and I agree. I didn't think that 2-3 hours of sleep at that point in time was particularly worth it, actually. But now she is bigger, and much more interactive and is getting a personality, getting through the hard bits does seem like it's worth it. It's just harder for some than it is for others. Or others have more help.

I didn't take any medication because I was frightened of it and i had counselling but the counsellor wasn't helpful at all. I had to ask 3 people before I got any help and it was stressful to keep having to explain it.

I found it so so awful, but I look at her now and she's such a funny little soul and I don't think I've caused her any damage by it. In fact, I think I tried even harder to do things 'right' because I felt so wrong. With help from medication you might start to feel better much quicker than I did though.

I'm here if you want to chat. It helped me when I posted on here.

FrozenMargarita17 Sat 10-Feb-18 00:19:44

Whoops just seen you've updated. Goes to show my little brain still isn't processing properly. Perhaps I need some drugs haha

batfestival Sat 10-Feb-18 00:23:17

@FrozenMargarita17 I could have written your post although I'm sorry to hear your husband hasn't been particularly supportive. It sounds like you've had a really hard time but I'm so glad you're feeling better. You must be incredibly tough to have overcome it alone! The medication really helped me, I'm not sure I could have done it without it. But the key thing is we are both better now. I agree entirely, she's worth it and I'd do it again if I had to (although I'm glad I don't!) X

batfestival Sat 10-Feb-18 00:24:03

@FrozenMargarita17 haha it's my fault for coming back to an old thread! I appreciated your message though, thank you!

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