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HELP NEEDED

(11 Posts)
tired46 Thu 14-Dec-17 11:39:55

Yesterday I had a curve ball thrown my way.

I have a new partner of some three years, my kids are 23 and 17 boy and girl respective.

My new partner has had issues with my son two males in the house and my son is moving out this week, he has had a few issues in life with the situation with his real dad and has never bonded with my new partner, he thinks he is an idiot ! But he has never been impolite to my partner and they get on well at times and work together and are semi ok there.

My daughter does not like to be told off, but she has got on well with my new partner, but has her moments where she does not like him as all kids with their parents and is sad at the moment that her brother is leaving and is blaming my partner, they have the odd argument about not tidying her room, and my daughter can be messy a proper artist type! but my partner spoils her etc and says sees her as his own.

Now my not so little girl has due to an absent father had moments of promiscuity trying to find love in all the wrong places even though I am there for her, and we have discussed this, I was hoping that we were turning a corner. Now she is quite open the way she talks about sex and sometimes I feel that this is inappropriate in front of her Step Dad and I know that they talk about a lot of stuff that I would not approve of as he was a party boy in his younger days and she is that person at times.

The thing is this a couple of people including my mum told my partner just to be careful as the way he looked after her she might develop a crush.

Well fast forward to yesterday evening, my daughter advises me that she feels uncomfortable with some of the conversations she has had recently with her Step Dad he has made inappropriate comments to her thing like 'we both flirt with each other', 'who knows if we both younger', 'I know you look at me like you like me' etc etc

Now I am furious with this as this is out of order and I spoke to my other half about this last night and his response was that he was just testing how far she would go, how dangerous she was because she has gone off the rails here and there, and that nothing would have happened he wanted to just see her moral attitude as he felt that she had none at all and no loyalty towards me.

I told him this was not the way to handle this and he got it completely wrong the way to deal with this was to let her know the strict boundaries. There have been a few occasions where my OH has moaned about the kids then gone behind my back and gone against everything that we agreed to make himself look good which has not helped me, especially when he is the one moaning that they don't do as I ask.

The problem I have is this - my daughter is known to lie and expand the facts to fit herself, my OH is also of this character, they are quite similar.

He said that he had told his brother and female cousin about the conversations he had had with my daughter as he wanted to cover himself if anything happened, why would you do that, he said he could not talk to me as he felt bad that it was my daughter.

I have removed him from the family home and my daughter is now ' right now he is gone we can move to another house and her brother can live with us again'.

My head is completely all over the place I am sick to my stomach that I allowed this man into my home (luckily my daughter says he has not touched her), but also concerned about my daughters motives I am sure she would not lie about this but she has lied quite badly at other times, but I do not want to be that mother that ignores this.

I have not told my son as he would go absolutely mad and end up getting arrested.

I am lost, confused upset at this situation as last week my daughter and my OH were fine. But he is the adult and should have set the boundaries and not taken the route that he did, but now I am worried what if things had gone further would either have stopped.

My head is all over the place, but I want my daughter to know I am there for her and she is trusted and I take this seriously.

Snowman41 Thu 14-Dec-17 11:44:35

his response was that he was just testing how far she would go,

Get rid of him. Even if that were true (which would be very unlikely) it's not how parents act.

wheresthel1ght Thu 14-Dec-17 11:45:16

You need to kick him out.

The only way your dd knows you have her back is to get rid of that scumbag

Snowman41 Thu 14-Dec-17 11:45:47

Sorry you did what I meant was do t take him back- you have 100% listened to your DD which is the most important thing

Runlovingmummy81 Thu 14-Dec-17 11:46:39

Sounds like he's grooming her right under your nose.

LIZS Thu 14-Dec-17 11:47:53

Your dd sounds vulnerable . Yes he needs to leave but you need to find out whether any line has already been crossed and support your dd. His behaviour has been inappropriate at best but your dd's behaviour is not normal, even with the difficulties her absent father may have caused.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Thu 14-Dec-17 11:52:52

Yep, you did the right thing. Get your son back as your DD suggests and never let a man break your family up again.

expatinscotland Thu 14-Dec-17 11:53:03

Keep him away from your daughter.

Chaosofcalm Thu 14-Dec-17 14:27:33

He is grooming your daughter and he has admitted it. Listen to him. Can you get your daughter some specific counselling to deal with her self esteem issues.

You also need to chat with your daughter and say at 23 your son may feel he now longer wants to live at home.

beltanelove Tue 19-Dec-17 08:03:35

You've acted responsibly and should be proud. I'm glad your daughter felt able to approach you about his inappropriate comments. When I was 22 my mums new partner told me he thought I was ' very attractive ' just before he was driving me home from the train station. I remember how vulnerable i felt as a young woman and never told my mum as our relationship was already strained. Anyway my point is even though he's never said anything so bold or creepy since it has affected my ability to relax in his company for ten years (they're still together) as I cant trust him at all after that comment because of the potential agenda behind it. I hate him deeply. I think you have avoided a lot of unsettled and potentially harmful family relations by distancing your children from this man. He wasn't testing anything, he was trying his luck with your child which is not only disgusting and abuse of power but also hugely disrespectful to all of you. He clearly isn't socially or emotionally mature enough for the precarious role of partner to a woman with adolescent and young adult children.

ZigZagandDustin Tue 19-Dec-17 08:11:50

You've done the right thing. It's tough on you but you had no real choice except this one.

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