‘Attachment parenting’ and starting nursery

[crazycatlady5]

‘Attachment parenting’ In quotes as I guess I have kind of fallen into that style of parenting with no aim or purpose. I have a Velcro baby who I’ve coslept with most of her life, she has never ever taken a bottle or cup (she’ll only drink water out of them now at 10 months), I babywear a lot and she’s not been left to cry for any length of time.

She’s a very ‘friendly’ baby, so although she relies on me a lot she will happily go to anyone and laughs a lot and cuddles etc.

I’m going back to work soon 😭 and I’m nervous about nursery. She has always fed to sleep for a start so I’ve no idea how they’ll manage to get her to sleep. People tell me that nursery staff have magical powers though! I hope that’s true.

Sounds ridiculous but has anyone ever been nervous that nursery/childminder might ‘sleep train’ your child?

Don’t really know what my question is. I suppose it is: people who AP, what have your experiences been when you’ve finally had to leave your child?

[Kentnurse2015]

I'm guessing you have visited the nursery that she will be going to? Have you spoken to them about how they approach things? How long is the settling in process?

[NSEA]

Some situation for me as you, except mine was a little older when I returned to work. They will figure out nap times etc dont worry about that.

It took about 6 weeks before mine started to love going. It’s sad at forst as they get upset but honestly, push through the first 6 week and be consistent and she will get used to the routine.

Co sleeping and feeding to slee etc will not impact the day she has at nirsery. She will adapt x

[GummyGoddess]

Like you I've fallen into it, it's the opposite of what I thought I'd do! Dc cried a little at drop off and pickup for the first few weeks. I cried in the hallway out of his sight but spied on him through the door and he was almost immediately happy and playing. Now he willingly goes to the nurses in the morning, lets them feed him and generally has a lovely time, getting excited when we park up to go in.

He doesn't nap there though, we dropped his morning nap and I pick him up after lunch and take him straight home for a sleep.

If you've been taking her to lots of groups she will adapt faster to the environment.

[Dermymc]

How long til you go back?

Can you gradually "detach" particularly for day time naps.

[NSEA]

Oh, regarding sleep training what do you think will happen? They can’t feed to sleep so it’s very lilely they will ise varying techniques until they find one which will work. They shouldn’t leave to cry to sleep or anything like that.

[crazycatlady5]

I know this is ridiculous but I haven’t actually picked a nursery yet it’s a long story but I wasn’t planning to work again so soon but have to for various reasons, and the two nurseries I like most LUCKILY have spaces in for the end of January (when I’ll be starting work) - I haven’t visited them yet I’m just pondering so far and wondering other people’s experiences

[crazycatlady5]

@NSEA yes with sleep training I suppose I mean just plonked in a cot with a ‘wait and see’ approach. For the first 6 weeks of this job I will need to go in 3 full days a week, but after that I will be picking her up at lunchtime, the first 6 weeks I’m most nervous about regarding sleep I suppose. Obviously I know they can’t lovingly snuggle all babies to sleep but I just wondered how other babes have transitioned. I’ve tried to gently break the feed to sleep association for months and it never works 😂

[crazycatlady5]

If you've been taking her to lots of groups she will adapt faster to the environment.

We have done this so that’s good.

This morning she was at my husbands work for 3 hours (longest she’s ever not been with me 😂) and Although OBVIOUSLY she’s going to be happy with daddy, she didn’t make a peep about me not being around, she had a ball. And she beamed when she saw me when I went to collect her rather than freaked out. So this gives me hope!

[captainproton]

I’ve AP my third child and didn’t with the other two. I firmly believe it’s diwn to the child’s temperament and personality as to whether they suffer serious separation anxiety or not. I don’t think you should beat yourself up about how you have or haven’t parented your baby. It’s just down to nature not nurture.

[welshweasel]

Mine was rocked to sleep when he first started. Then they transitioned to the baby swing then cot and then on a floor mat. They dealt with him when he refused to drink milk, refused bottles unless he was laid down on the floor not being touched. They weaned him, they have spent all day walking round with him on their hip if he’s been grizzly, pushed him round in a pushchair if he was refusing a nap.

Honestly, find a good Nursery and it will all be fine. They are professional baby whisperers!!

[crazycatlady5]

@welshweasel gosh that sounds like a DREAM nursery!

[crazycatlady5]

I firmly believe it’s diwn to the child’s temperament

Totally agree - I guess that’s why I’ve ‘fallen’ into AP as she gave me no choice in the matter and I guess it felt most natural for me as a mum.

[Anatidae]

Mine was a Velcro sleep dodging nap refuser who ate nothing and had severe separation anxiety.

Nursery staff (and frankly I’d put his main carer forward for a sainthood) were amazing. They got him to sleep in his Pram outside within two weeks. He eats there. Incredible.

We do have a couple of weeks of settling g in where we are. parents are encouraged to go and just sort of hang out and be dull in ge corner - the idea is they have you there if they need to and you gradually withdraw. some kids get it faster than others - ours took about eight days to detach somewhat.

Firstly acknowledge it’s a big thing for you both. I found it quite hard on us both. But it’s been great for him.

You can play with toys and do drop off and pick up scenarios, reiterating that mummy or daddy always comes back to pick them up. Talk about nursery positively always. Tell them you’re coming back at a certain time they understand - after lunch, after nap time rather than ‘later.’ Recap the day positively.

When you choose a nursery speak to he staff and ask how they deal with things like this. Trust your gut - watch how they interact with the kids - are the kids happy and relaxed?

[Dixeychick]

My LO was always a proper Mummy's boy & always fed to sleep, he went to a childminder at 9 months when I went back to work & lo & behold, on day one she put him in a cot, popped out of the room to get him a cup of milk to coax & rock him off to sleep, and by the time she was back in the room he was fast asleep. He's 3 now & never, ever gone to sleep for us without a cuddle or a back rub, but for her, he lies down, closes his eyes & immediately drifts off to sleep. Infuriating in some ways but was a huge relief for us that sleep just wasn't a problem!

[waterrat]

A good nursery will cuddle your child to sleep or give them a bottle to make them sleepy.. Yes your child will have to adapt but you will be amazed how adaptable babies are..even velcro ones!

[crazycatlady5]

This is amazing info mumsnet folk! You’ve made me feel so much better!

[GummyGoddess]

If possible, I do recommend spying on them quickly for the first week for your peace of mind as long as they won't see you. I cried in the hallway and the staff were really nice about it and suggested I have a quick peep and he was fine! I felt better immediately.

[BertieBotts]

If you haven't yet chosen a nursery then that's great because it means you have the chance to look at different options.

In my case I was lucky to find a childminder whose views totally aligned with my own except that she used the naughty step which I did not. At the time this bothered me hugely - in hindsight, I wish I had had some perspective on this and realised that aligning on 9/10 issues was really great - and she had done a Triple P course which does mostly focus on positive parenting and emphasis on good behaviour rather than bad.

Look into both nurseries and childminders. Be open minded. Because I had ended up so into AP with DS when he was little, I fell into this kind of weird dichotomous worldview, where some people were AP and totally responsive at all times and others were cold, hard, routine-dependent, independence-insisting no-nonsense folk who wouldn't be at all swayed by any silly fluffy notions and this terrified me

It was so counterproductive - because it meant that I wasn't really able to appreciate that most people are just bumbling along trying different things and exist mainly in the middle, borrowing bits from each "camp" - in fact there are not even any "camps" although online AP groups convinced me there were. I would constantly be looking for "clues" that any new parent/caregiver I met was on my side, or the other side, and this probably shut me off from a lot of people who could have been potential friends, as well as shutting me off to advice I might have found useful if I hadn't experienced it in such a hostile manner.

It was like I was assuming that there were only two options - full on AP breastfeeding to sleep or controlled crying. No in between. When in reality it is a minority of parents who specifically plan to do controlled crying at X age, most people use it as a last resort, and in the interim try lots of other things.

Most babies act differently for other caregivers than they do for Mum or Dad.

In short - talk to the nurseries, childminders, caregivers. Suss out what their views on childcare are, but also look at the children and the environment and see what your gut tells you. Don't assume at the first hint of routine or other buzzword which frightens you that they are a Jo Frost clone. If you're in agreement on a majority of points, let the other disagreements go - your DD will surprise you.

Good luck! :)

[BubblesPip]

My Dd was 10 months when she started nursery, only one morning a week. I’ve been a lone parent from pretty much day 1, so she’s been very reliant on me. At her nursery they’ve had to hold her and cuddle her for hours, rock her to sleep, sit and hold her hand whilst she’s sleep...so I know she’s well looked after. They have a good baby/staff ratio so more time can be given to each baby.

[crazycatlady5]

@BertieBotts thank you so much that’s really fantastic advice to take on board

[rainbowduck]

I hate the term attachment parenting but I did instinctively respond to my babies according to what their needs were. ( which were lots of baby wearing/cosleeping and am generally a crunchy mum).

After working in childcare for many years before starting my family, the one thing I didn't anticipate is how bereft I would feel. I always presumed once the parents were reassured that the little one was fine, they would go about their day as normal.

So, please be kind to yourself. It's like ripping a plaster off, don't hover. Just do it. And make sure you get at least one little quick treat that would be very tricky with a Velcro baby attached to you!

PP with six weeks advice is spot on. Babies of 9-11 months can be extra clingy and might scream when you leave (or they think you are about to leave, even in an established routine), but the staff will not leave a baby crying. Apart from anything else, it will upset the other children! They will find their way, and I found it best to not query, to just let them get on with it.

Good luck! 🍀

[NotAQueef]

My dd was rocked to sleep in a rocking chair with her key worker, and when she was more settled rocked in a rocking crib or patted to sleep. Was lovely to see such care so you might be surprised

[welshcake82]

It's easy for me to say now but don't panic! My DS started nursery at 9 months and cried an awful lot at first. He too was exclusively bf and was (and still is!) fed to sleep.
Nursery cuddled him and introduced him to napping in a pushchair. They told me at first that they'd stroke him to sleep. Now he'll happily nap in a pushchair in the daytime. (If only he'd go off so easily at night, but that's a different story!)
Find a good nursery and it'll all be fine, there'll be tears at first but soon DD will love it I'm sure.

[Chaosofcalm]

You must, must choose a nursery and start settling in sessions. It took my DD weeks and weeks to settle in. Nursery were amazing and took it at her pace so she did not become upset. I choose the nursery because of their homely loving attitude.

At the time my cosleeping DD would only nap on me durring the day or being pushed in a pushchair. At first nursery pushed her in her buggy until she slept and then they waved her magic wand and now she self settles in a bed, at the start they used to stroke her face until she fell asleep.

[SexDollNeighbour]

Our nursery were great with my co-sleeping fed to sleep baby. They carried him around, cuddled him to sleep, tried him in a sling. When I told them we coslept they advised me to bring an item of my clothing in for him to sleep with. Within a few months he had transitioned from cuddling to sleep, to sleeping in a bouncer, to sleeping in a cot with the rest of the babies. Now he sleeps on a mat on the floor with the other toddlers.
Of course, at home, he still will only feed to sleep with the right kind of white noise...