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Think my kids will hate me

(11 Posts)
Elsouth Mon 04-Dec-17 11:43:44

Do you think if I've spent the last 6 months gradually getting worse at shouting at my toddler, that it's too late to turn it around before he hates me?
He's 3yo and he can be so naughty at times and ignored me and he's also gone back on his potty training and this morning I lost my rag after going through his 4th pair of trousers. I've never got mad at him for wetting himself before it was more because I was in the middle of changing my 1yo who had pooped all up his back and who also had me up most the night. I'm exhausted I have nothing left to give.
I just feel like all I do is shout. My little one is really defiant & mischievous and I sometimes have to raise my voice to get him to lie still to be changed or to stop being naughty and I don't know if he's just becoming independent but he's gone from being a mommy's boy to not wanting to be held and I can't help but think maybe he doesn't like me anymore.
My husband has arranged for me to have a therapy session as I have a lot going on in my head at the moment and I feel like I'm failing as a mother because I can't cope. And all I seem to do is shout and I literally want to scream at the top of my lungs some days. I miss working, I'm bored and so frustrated that I feel like I can't enjoy being a mom. I can't even tell them off without feeling awful
I'm determined to stop shouting and find a way to cope but I'm scared the damage is already done. And that my kids will see me as some sort of bully. I don't want them to hate me because I love them more anything I'm just not very good at being a mom

Nicpem1982 Mon 04-Dec-17 12:48:06

Sorry your having a tough time op flowers

Your ds is not going to hate you, it's good that you've recognised that you are struggling and that your dh is supporting you.

Do you get any down time?

sthitch Mon 04-Dec-17 12:54:00

A good programme to watch is the 3 day nanny that’s available on the channel 4 app, she gives some really good ideas to have a happy household, she is brutally honest to some parents who shout a lot and give ideas to turn things around to be more positive. It might be worth a watch to get some ideas?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Mon 04-Dec-17 13:04:10

I'm similar to you. I'm shouting way more than I want. Shouting like my mother, in fact, who I don't go out of my way to spend time with now.

I've been looking into CBT to help give me a coping mechanism for stress that isn't shouting.

I'll tell you what I tell myself - at this age, they're not going to hate you. If the shouting continues during childhood, they probably will.

Interesting tip from pp re. 3 day nanny. I'm going to watch that.

Elsouth Mon 04-Dec-17 15:45:51

I will definitely be looking up the 3 day nanny thank you for the suggestion. To be fair my mom tells me that she used to shout at us loads as kids but I have no memory of my mom like that at all.
My down time is 7-10pm when they are asleep and I try and relax and dispute whether to have me time or go to bed. It probably doesn't help that since DS2 was born in July 16 I've probably had a handful of nights where they've both slept through. My eldest actually being the one who's up the most. And in fairness to DH he does get up with them too.

OuchBollocks Mon 04-Dec-17 15:48:58

How much fresh air do you all get? I find that even when its miserable, half an hour or more of kicking a ball in the garden or stomping through leaves does wonders for everyone's mood. Plus if you're outside you're not looking at what needs done in the house. But of course its not too late, your eldest is 3, that's tiny smile

Gaudeamus Tue 05-Dec-17 07:32:28

Getting stuck in a rut where you don't really like your reactions or dynamics in the family is 100% normal, and especially with kids at the age of yours. As long as you recognise it and try to turn it around no-one will remember, let alone hate you.

I've read many times here that it's better to ignore bad behaviour (provided there's no danger) or at least react as neutrally as possible, rather than scolding. Shouting can sometimes produce a vicious cycle where the child learns she or he can get a rise out of you by acting up and will do so deliberately - they will also get used to you shouting and it won't have any effect any more. It can be more productive to go OTT on the praise for good behaviour and not reward bad behaviour with a response.

Other than that, do you have plans to go back to work? It's really no failure to struggle with parenting young children full-time, particularly if you lack adult interactions and time for yourself. Do you have the possibility to use childcare sometimes and get yourself a break?

Good luck with it all.

LiveLifeWithPassion Tue 05-Dec-17 07:44:31

I read a thread on here once which suggested to pretend that you’re being filmed for some parenting documentary to try to keep your shouting in check. It really worked for me.
I go on the ahaparenting site which i find really helpful. It’s all about how to stay connected to your children as that connection is what keeps your child happy.
I also agree with getting out for a bit every day, no matter the weather. It’s good for all of you.
Make sure you’re getting enough sleep. prioritise that over ‘me time’ a few times a week.
Do you go out and see friends? Get any exercise? Those things can really help.
Have the radio on at home so you’re hearing some adult conversation and you’re getting some ne tal stimilation.

corythatwas Tue 05-Dec-17 10:22:49

Singing helped me. Bursting into a jolly cheerful song at least kept me from shouting (because you can't do them both at the same time), it sometimes got the children distracted and it often, unexpectedly, lifted my own mood.

Also pretending I was somebody else. My favourite persona was an old-fashioned infant school headteacher, the kind who wears tweed and sensible shoes, never raises her voice, but commands instant respect.

waterrat Tue 05-Dec-17 14:18:19

Having a 1 yr old and 3 yr old is a really really hard time. I am a bit further on now but I remember it painfully well!

I shout at my son and feel awful about it but you know what...tomorrow is always a new day to begin again. You are a good parent because you want to change.

Make sure you get enougj rest and also that you get space and time away from the kids doing something you enjoy or seeing friends.

It does get easier and you wont always feel this tired! They do grow up and get easier to look after....

Elsouth Tue 05-Dec-17 16:01:06

Thank you all so much for the advice and input. Just hearing others say they experienced they same makes me feel better. Just since writing this post I've tried to change my reaction, when he started having a meltdown yesterday instead of shouting I asked what was wrong and if he wanted a cuddle. And he was better behaved all afternoon.
We do sing a lot in this house, but when ds1 has a tantrum the worse thing you can do is actually sing he hates it when he's grumpy. We try and go out every day, normally it's something as mundane as Tesco or to go look at toys or pets at home. For me it's a way of breaking up the day rather than sitting in the house. We even drive to the train station and watch trains go by as my son loves them.
I won't be going back to work until sept 2019 at the earliest, that's when DS1 starts school and DS2 gets his free hours. They both do one day at nursery so I get one on one time with each and that's all we can really afford at the moment. I don't get much time out by myself, though I am thinking of taking swimming lessons (I'm too scared to take DS1 swimming as he is more confident in water than me).
You've all given me a lot of thought and I really appreciate it, it's just an exhausting time, especially as I've been up since 4.30am. I also have my first therapy session on Thursday, that should be interesting!

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