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Husband is a shit parent, lost his way

(7 Posts)
AllIwantforchristmas2017 Sun 03-Dec-17 16:13:08

I hope this is the right place...

I was very Ill for two years, and my husband, has got into the routine of nagging all the time. He never touches any of us, I want to stress that! But he is emotionally abusing us.
Literally everything that comes out of his mouth is negative, horrible and spiteful. He doesn’t even realise it half of the time. I stand up to him and tell him to shut up and he does, he apologises and says he wants help.
Before I was ill he was amazing, the kids loved him, he was a great dad and this is why I haven’t kicked him out- because he wasn’t always like this! He was so loving and supportive.

We had literally no support while I was sick, he had to look after 4 kids, a baby plus me. It would be too much for anyone and while it doesn’t excuse his behaviour, I get it.
But now I’m better, I’m able to be a lot more hands on and I’ve taken over the care of the children as much as possible!

How can we help him get back to himself? I do believe he is depressed so I’ve told him to go to the doctors. But I want him to go on a parenting course also.
Any other ideas please? Or recommendations for courses?

I have previously done the Freedom programme, I know what to look out for... but we were together 4 years before I was sick and I didn’t once get any red flags.

WasDoingFine Sun 03-Dec-17 16:18:11

Sounds like he has got into the habit of just being nasty and negative. The only person who can change that is him. He doesn't have to say horrid things - unless he has a medical condition like Tourrettes - so he basically needs to think before he speaks

Smellyjo Sun 03-Dec-17 20:57:19

Oh that's really sad to hear. I really respect the way you understand how he has got where he is without excusing it. It's great he supported you all in the way he did and you sound spot on that his mental health has suffered, happy people don't behave in this way. What is he saying about going to doctors, is he up for it? There are two excellent parenting supports that I deliver at my work, video interaction guidance (vig) and circle of security (cos). Vig is delivered in lots of settings, often by educational psychologists, health visitors and social workers and is about helping parents look at their communication and rekindling difficult/ damaged family relationships through focusing on parents existing strengths. Cos is an attachment based group work programme which gives a great framework for understanding what children need at any moment, interpreting their behaviour through an attachment lens basically. I would suggest googling both these terms plus where you live and see what comes up, also ask about vig at your child's school as they may know more.

How are the kids doing with it, how is it affecting them?

WasDoingFine Sun 10-Dec-17 06:29:28

@AllIwantforchristmas2017 - any update?

SmiledWithTheRisingSun Sun 10-Dec-17 21:54:21

You sound like a really caring person,
I would like my DH to do a parenting course too & would be really interested to know which one you go with and how it turns out.
Hugs OP thanks

pallasathena Mon 11-Dec-17 16:59:16

Ask him to listen to himself, really, really listen to himself. Sometimes, you have to spell these things out when someone close gets into a repetitive behaviour pattern that could end up becoming a deal breaker.
I had to do this with a close relative some time ago. He was into constantly jibing, sneering, making comments that were breathtakingly nasty and passing it off as 'banter' and excusing himself by saying I was 'too sensitive'.
In the end I told him he was a pathetic little bully and to piss off. He hasn't done it since, but I've lost any respect or affection I once had for him.
People like that are incredibly tedious I find.

andylovesme Mon 11-Dec-17 20:07:27

What kind of a husband is he if he cannot support in difficult times? Since you asked for a solution, one way to get him back into being positive is to make him attend meditation classes if its there near your place.

Or take a break, travel for sometime especially your husband. If you all can travel together if possible outside the country, that can ease his mind.

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