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how to get over not having another baby?

(9 Posts)
Mumofprincesses Wed 29-Nov-17 23:15:12

hi ladies,
I have 2 daughters who I love more than life and I know I am extremely lucky to have 2 very happy, healthy children but I would LOVE another baby in the next year or 2.
My issue is my partner doesn't really want another baby although he has agreed to as long as we are financially stable to cope with another child which is totally fair and I wouldn't want to bring another life into the world that we couldn't really afford.

my question is how do you get over the fact that you probably wont have another baby?
I feel like my heart, arms and ovaries ache for another baby and I have such a sense of longing. I feel like I am starting to grieve for the baby that I will never have. I know that may sound desperate and silly but that's honestly what it feels like. Now because I'm coming to terms with the fact that I probably wont have another baby it feels like every where I turn my friends are getting pregnant. I feel like my life and family wont be complete with out another baby, I always wanted 3 children.
I know it doesn't make sense to have another if we cant afford to and if my partner doesn't particularly want another but I cant help wanting.
How do I get past this ache? this sense of loss?
is or has anyone else been in this boat? what happened? How did you deal with it?

Ceesadoo Thu 30-Nov-17 02:41:27

Hi. I'm so sorry you are grieving the loss of the child you want but probably won't have. Is your partner a definite no? Will things change in time? I'm sorry I can't offer any tips for relieving the ache. Check out the one child family section in Being a Parent. Not quite the same, but other women raise your issue xxx

hevonbu Thu 30-Nov-17 03:57:49

Maybe focus more on the two children you already have?

TheLegendOfBeans Thu 30-Nov-17 04:54:18

OP my sympathies; I think DH is away to drop the same decision on me and I’d love to have three maybe four.

Maybe focus more on the two children you already have?

A bit crassly put but i sort of agree. If you and DH aren’t on the same page then it’s no good to force the issue.

However when you have a very strong vision of what your family & future look like and that’s altered for whatever reason it’s hard. I’m guessing you and DH have probably spoken about having three kids running round, you probably have names picked out, you e probably still got the baby clothes from 1&2 and now no use for them.

That’s tough OP. And I sympathise. Time to divert the sadness into energy and pour that into DC 1&2. Also, I know money is tight but try and have a landmark to work towards like a holiday or a trip to Thorpe Park or something.

Big flowers for you xxx

Mumofprincesses Thu 30-Nov-17 14:05:28

thank you ladies, DH has agreed to another if we can afford it because he knows its what I really want but he would rather not have another and like you said I don't really want to keep pushing the issue. I'm a stay at home mum so ALL my focus is on my children. its not like I sit at home pining and ignoring them. we have recently had a niece born and my oldest is now asking about having a baby brother (I haven't really expressed my want for another baby in front of my children, I have said if we have another baby if the topic has been brought up and I have also told her that we don't get to choose if babies are boys or girls) and before I get a "why don't you get a job?" I have been trying but where I live is fairly secluded and I don't drive and there aren't too many places that will accept the hours I need for my children. I have a little home business of cake decorating so I do have that to focus on. I guess its just hard to accept that my life wont be how I had hoped. I've always been a very maternal person and with my oldest suffered very badly with postnatal depression, with my youngest it was so much more of a positive experience and it just made me want another baby even more because I finally found out how amazing having a new born should be.
I know its probably selfish of me to want another when I already have 2 beautiful girls.

JoJoSM2 Thu 30-Nov-17 16:00:05

I'm sorry I can't relate as haven't been in a similar situation. However, I was just wondering if you're under 40 and might be able to just postpone it until your financial situation is more stable and DH feels more ready? Quite a few people I know wait until they childcare costs reduced significantly before going for another LO in order to be able to cope financially.

InDubiousBattle Thu 30-Nov-17 16:19:09

I am in very much the same position op. I have two wonderful dc so am very lucky but I wouod love a third. We had always plannedon having 3 but dp has changed his mind so we will be sticking at two. I'm finding it very hard. Dp's reasons are very sensible and he is making a good decision but I can't stop wanting another. I'm really trying. I've listed to cons of having another, and the list is extensive. I'm very focused on the two we have. I've recently cleared out all of the baby stuff in the house. I'm looking into more long term contraception. I've also absolutely nailed dp down on his 'no more'- by this I mean no leaving the door ajar. He was occasionally saying things like 'if we did ever have another......' and I can't cope with that at all. Tbh my naturally, and normally ,lovely, wonderful, empathetic dp has been uncharacteristically crass about this at times. It's been difficult it's the first major disagreement we've had in 20 years and there's no middle way or compromise.

TheABC Thu 30-Nov-17 16:32:43

It's not the same, but I have got DH to agree the next time I get broody, we will adopt abother kitten. That might be a while off, though - still dealing with the sleepless nights and nappies right now!

OP, it's always hard to accept your baby days are over, but how about making a list of all the positives of having older children, such as crafty days, increased independence etc. Why not write a bucket with them for 2018, to help take your mind off things?

QueenAmongstMen Thu 30-Nov-17 19:35:22

I sympathise OP - I've been there.

After our first son my DH didn't want another and initially I agreed as he'd been a very difficult baby but then he was about 18 months old I started to crave another.

My DH repeatedly said no, told me he didn't want another and it crushed me. I felt such sadness and despair for both me and my DS and on many occasions I would get tearful over it.

I just couldn't imagine never seeing two lines on a pregnancy stick again or never feel a baby moving around inside or never hold a newborn baby in my arms again. I used to get so jealous of people having babies and would have to avoid women who were pregnant because I found it near impossible to talk to them and smile at them when inside I couldn't bear the fact they had that I wanted.

The desire for another is completely illogical I think, the yearning can't be described. It's like an ache, an empty hopelessness that you're are never going to get something that your entire being wants.

My DH used to tell me I should be grateful for the son we had, which I was, but he didn't take away any of the sadness.

Thankfully I did manage to change my DH's mind and we have just had a second baby. I'm now starting to fantasise about having a third and when I told him this he laughed and told me to F**k off smile

It's positive your DH has agreed to another if you can financially afford it as at least you're on the same page to some degree. I hope life works out for you and that you get your third baby flowers

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