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Loneliness

(8 Posts)
loz12345 Thu 23-Nov-17 02:49:04

I have 2 kids with a 6 year age gap and am currently on mat leave, I usually work full time and since been off I have realised I don't really have any friends I have one who has moved and has a new partner, we probably only see each other every 6 months or so and the other is also in a newish relationship and according to fb has a glam new life I don't fit into, Other than the school run and family I haven't really spoken to anyone in months (other than random people asking questions about the baby then ending it there) usually I don't have time to worry about it but I know i could do with changing things as it can be quite lovely which isn't helped by not driving. I have thought about baby groups but they scare me to death, not helped by the fact that I did this last time and met a few people but when we all went back to work we met up a couple of times but we just didn't have the time to meet up and it fizzled out. This time I am going back to work four days a week and I know i could try and do something on my day off to try and prevent this but I am worried about making the effort again. I could do with a good night out and a few drinks and laughs but doesn't look like this will happen soon. I have also tried at school but loads of the mums have been friends since school or are busy shooting off to work.

Is it just me that feels like this ????

hevonbu Thu 23-Nov-17 03:49:53

No, it's not you - I saw there was a thread about a similar topic just the other day, maybe two or three days ago. These threads usually end up discussing meetup.com but I'm not quite sure that would work to be honest. The best bet here is perhaps trying to arrange going out with a few of your /new?/ colleagues after work? Not quite the same but still... Another popular suggestion one ends up reading about when delving into this topic is to make a "network map" going through neighbours and more distant contacts to see if anybody is "eligible" for a closer contact and start working from there... Are there for instance any mums in your neighbourhood, neighbours? Old school friends you could contact again to see if you're still getting on together? I've seen somewhere you need about at least eight meetings to get anything going, so regular activities preferably a bit unscheduled (so there's room to talk to each other) works best. Evening classes where you rush in to listen to a lecturer talking about a topic and where you then immediately leave, that would not work so well then. I'd start with the network map writing down the names of the other mums and thinking about if there's one or two among them who also don't seem to have a lot of friends, and approach them...

loz12345 Thu 23-Nov-17 05:26:01

Thanks for the help, the map idea sounds like a good one, I have tried with the mums the kids are in year 3 now and tbh there are not that many on the school run as there are a lot of childminders and the ones that are there are usually running off to work just like I normally would, I think I will have a better chance with starting again with the younger one baby groups etc it makes it hard really them having an age gap as no one who I can meet through the eldest has a baby they are all past that stage and no one I meet with a baby has an older one we went to soft play the other day and there was a group of mums with baby's who looked horrified that the older was messing with the baby, and tbh they looked miserable were not chatting and looked to be there just cos they have babies the same age which I want to avoid as I like having a laugh. Work colleagues are great which is why I don't normally notice but not really going out after work types unfortunately, I might try and msg the friend I mentioned above to see if she wants a catch up at least it will get me used to speaking to adults again who aren't dh of nothing comes of it x

sthitch Thu 23-Nov-17 21:21:54

It’s hard isn’t it! I presumed I would make friends easily during mat leave, I signed up to different baby groups and although people talk - generally everyone just goes home afterwards, there’s no staying for coffees or anything. Sometimes I wonder if any of the other mums feel like this- I’m sure they do, but nobody says anything. The ones that do sit and chat will talk about breast feeding etc (no interest whatsoever... round of applause for feeding your child)

I have got a nice couple of friends that I see often which keeps me sane and I’m so glad as the lack of ‘mummy friends’ would have probably got me down- I thought about how I might tackle it and there’s quite a lot of stay and play groups after sessions which you could go to and see if there’s anyone there that you click with, also- is your work having an xmas do that you could go to? That way you could then suggest something else in January after the do with a work friend and then it’s not so random.

It can be really lonely though and I can assure you that you’re not alone in how you feel.

user1493413286 Thu 23-Nov-17 21:55:34

I agree; when I was working my life was always so busy and I was happy with the amount of friends I had but now on maternity leave I find it tough as all my friends work full time and days are long with a baby.
I’d recommend finding a group like bumps and babies which are often smaller and easier to chat to people. Have you heard of the mummy social app? It’s a way to meet mums in your local area and I know people who have made good friends on it.

loz12345 Thu 23-Nov-17 22:03:55

Thank you it's good to know it isn't just me there are probably loads of us in the same situation it's just so awkward, I hadn't heard of that app I will have a look tomorrow. I agree I don't want to just have a chat about breast feeding and sleeping. I am sure I had other topics of conversation before.....

Codlet Thu 23-Nov-17 22:08:23

My advice is to give the baby groups another try. The thing you say about meeting some people with your first child and it fizzled our when everyone went back to work - I think that is quite common (although not inevitable), but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it at the time. I met a lovely bunch of ladies through NCT, I’m not in touch with any of them any more but we had a nice time together at that point in our lives. Not all friends have to be forever!

Smurfy23 Thu 23-Nov-17 22:48:08

Id go back to the baby groups too- do a selection now so you get to know a few different mums then when you know what your day off is, try to get your favourite activity on that day.

Have a look on facebook maybe to see if you have any childrens centres or nct group things on. Our local NCT group do a monthly meet up for second time mums in a pub of an evening for example

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