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Disinterested grandparents&little-no family

(33 Posts)
Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 17:53:56

I feel guilty that my beautiful almost 9 month old son misses out on having grandparents. If they were passed away it wouldn't be a problem but they are all living. Both DH's parents displayed some terrible behaviour before estranging themselves so easily because we didn't sing to their tune; they saw DS once when he was 2 weeks old. He is their only grandchild. DH's only brother hasn't once seen DS and has also estranged himself over no reason whatsoever: just no contact and hadn't bothered. It's unbelievable really.
My Mother saw DS a small handful of times until he was 4/5 months old showing no support to me or DH and has been estranged since due to her toxic behaviour.

My dad suffers from mental health problems and isn't able to be fully supportive but does see DS maybe once a month. My brother sees DS probably once very 1-2 months.

We have no other family apart from distant relatives. DS has no cousins and is only grandchild on both sides. It breaks my heart that they have all acted so appallingly. I am struggling to understand their behaviour and the fact they really don't care about my son. It make me so upset to think they don't want to get to know this beautiful little boy. My heart breaks for DS and I hate seeing happy families with tons of support when we have nobody....

hevonbu Mon 20-Nov-17 18:00:08

Maybe get in touch with the more distant relatives? It's always helpful being in touch with and having a relationship to the more distant relatives if the closer family is uninterested, or non-existent, or just not good company for other reasons.

Lissette Mon 20-Nov-17 18:01:06

Yes, it is hard but it's much more common than you think. In our case we have not any family contact really so we focus on our circle of friends instead. flowers

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 18:46:44

hevonbu Distant relatives are relatives i wouldn't want to get in touch with to be honest too distant and haven't ever been on my life...

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 18:46:53

in

bluejelly Mon 20-Nov-17 18:47:22

flowers to you.
But really no need to feel guilty, none of this is your fault.
And also - my dd has a large extended family most of whom she sees less than once a year. The only one she sees regularly is my dad. She has very close relationships with three of my friends who see her regularly and make a big fuss of her. In many ways they are like aunties. So maybe cultivate relationships with nice adults that your child to spend time with - and don’t worry that they aren’t related by blood.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Mon 20-Nov-17 18:48:53

Dc can fully function without gps.
You can't force relatives to be the perfect addition to your dc lives unfortunately.

Dozer Mon 20-Nov-17 18:49:19

DS will be fine. It’s not ideal but far better to have a small extended family with limited contact than spending time with people whose behaviour is a problem. It sounds like you are also, understandably, hurt on your own and DH’s part.

Flicketyflack Mon 20-Nov-17 18:52:33

I feel your pain it is so disappointing for you!

My children are now 13 & 10 and have only seen their cousins twice and their paternal grandparents less than once every three years. My parents are really enthusiastic but never visit unless I visit them!

To be honest my children are fab! My husband and I have no one else to thank but each other as we have pretty much raised them alone. They don't care as this is their normality. Your family is not your fault. Make the most of your times together and just see yourself as a smaller unit. 💐

MissWilmottsGhost Mon 20-Nov-17 18:59:38

My DF is dead, and DM was utterly crap as a parent and is just as bad as a grandparent, I am nc with my brother. DH and I have no nieces and nephews.

We make do with close friends and their families. The eldest ones are like grandparents, the ones our age are like uncles and aunts and their children are like cousins. We also have a lovely goddaughter that we see 2-3 times a year.

DD understands they are not literally relatives, but they fulfil the same roles and, frankly, do a better job of it than my biological family.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Mon 20-Nov-17 19:11:54

My mil hasn't seen ds for nearly 3 years. He is 3.2. Her choice, then she went moaning to her friends we had cut her out of ds life!!

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 19:22:30

Justbookedasummmerholiday They are appalling aren't they. My Mother did a very similar thing. She has been going around telling people i wont her come over because I have somehow distanced myself since having 'a baby.' This most recent fabrication of lies just adds to my disappointment on her. Nothing is very her own doing and she will literally change her version of events to suit the given situation or person....

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 19:22:44

let her*

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 19:23:02

in*

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 19:23:56

ever+

Justbookedasummmerholiday Mon 20-Nov-17 19:29:48

Mine lived ten mins away, visited 3 times in 3 months, held ds twice, not that I am materialistic but his gift was a rocking horse from free cycle that had mange and alopecia!!

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo Mon 20-Nov-17 19:31:00

Very similar circumstances here and have recently had to cut my mother out of our lives due to toxic behaviour. I realised the only reason I was keeping any sort of contact with her was a sadness at the prospect of DD not having grandparents in her life. It’s hard because I adored my paternal grandparents and they are the only relatives I have fond memories of.

On the other hand, I’m trying to make the effort to keep in touch with old friends and forge new friendships and ties with neighbours.

Jenijena Mon 20-Nov-17 19:36:43

It’s hard. Although we’ve not fallen out with family, my dc have very few family members who love and adore them (just my Pils, although they live the other end of the country). And whilst I know not everyone has close families, you tend to focus on what you havent got and my heart breaks a bit that, for example, a not very close friend’s mum saw and cuddled ds2 more times than my mum did in the first few months.

You’ve got to try really hard to create your own family out of friends. Even then, if they have local family, they might not get it, but it’s the only way.

And put the bitterness and resentment in a box, and rarely let it out, certainly not in front of the kids. My parents did talk about it openly with us but ironically have turned into their parents in their grand parenting attentiveness (which makes it worse)

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 19:41:19

Jenijena Similarly my mother had a dysfunctional relationship with her parents and my dad's mother and used to think nothing of listing all their 'faults' in front of me as a child. She went to such lengths it spoilt my relationship with my grandparents. I now see that the problem all along was her. You should never get your kids involved.

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 19:53:21

Thank you everyone for your replies; nice to know I'm not alone and not abnormal for feeling disappointed x

Bella8 Tue 21-Nov-17 14:59:48

The latest is that my DM thinks my sons welfare is at risk due to him not seeing her. He would infact be at risk seeing her as she's dysfunctional and a narcissist. She is so concerned that something is wrong with me her daughter that she is going to speak to the doctor about it! Just when I thought she couldn't get any worse...

Bella8 Tue 21-Nov-17 15:00:44

She even backtracked and acknowledged I'm a fantastic mothers and DS is thriving yet still threatens me because we're not speaking to her over her behaviour and crazy comments...

Bella8 Tue 21-Nov-17 15:00:53

Mother*

Bella8 Tue 21-Nov-17 15:02:40

Where do I got from her? She is blowing my phone up not respecting my need for space from her and telling me she's told her sisters and they all agree with her even though (she tells people lies and fabricates stories and they don't know or see me and have only heard my mothers side).

Bella8 Tue 21-Nov-17 15:02:46

go

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