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MOTHER NEVER HAS HER CHILD WHAT CAN WE DO

(157 Posts)
Sarajandb Mon 20-Nov-17 12:58:32

My partner has a 6 year old with his ex and we have her 50/50 (but have her more ) we have lived together for 4 years. We have her Thursday- Sunday week one Tuesday - Friday week 2. The problem is tues-fri where she has to have her fri and sat night she never has her. So she wont have her in the week or at the weekend. We always find out shes slept at someones house but its not grandparents its young cousins babysitting or sleeping at friends houses anyone who will have her rally as shes very social and drinks a lot. She will take her to the pub and have someone else take her home so she can stay out all night. Shes been passed from pillar to post. what can we do ? It blows my brains how she cant plan her social life around when she doesn't have her. She gets much more spare time then most separated parents.

rightsofwomen Mon 20-Nov-17 13:02:17

The girl's father can apply to the Court to get (or update) the Child Arrangement Order.

TrojansAreSmegheads Mon 20-Nov-17 13:03:21

your partner could suggest changing the split so the child is with him every weekend and with the mother more weekdays instead.

or if he believes the mother of his child is actually neglectful then he could go to court for full custody.

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere Mon 20-Nov-17 13:06:17

As long as she is being looked after there is nothing you can do really unless you offer to have her every weekend as pp suggested.

Wolfiefan Mon 20-Nov-17 13:08:39

Are you concerned that the child isn't safe or fed up that she's shirking her responsibility?

ButterfliesAreWeird Mon 20-Nov-17 13:14:07

Try to change the days she has her. If you get her every weekend then surely the problem would go away

Olivetappas Mon 20-Nov-17 13:23:07

Hah I could of wrote this myself very frustrating. My partner has a child from a previous relationship and we pretty much go threw the same. She is either at our house or with her gran or Aunty or friend ... every wknd every holiday sometimes during school term. It's not nice her mum is out every wknd without fail at every party or event.
TBH there's nothing u can do.. it's between mum and dad and if dad is not doing anything then u have to take a step back yes u could voice your concern to him but it really is his responsibility.

As long as his daughter is not at risk you have no say. yes it's not stable, no I, you, or most wouldn't behave in such a way, but a lot of woman do.

Olivetappas Mon 20-Nov-17 13:27:04

If there is a court order in place ?

Sarajandb Mon 20-Nov-17 13:28:30

I have two children also to my previous partner. The problem is my boys are home all week and go to their dads 3 Saturday nights out of the month. If we have his daughter every weekend then we don't get a child free night at all. We don't have babysitters or anything like that. There is no court order in place its a mutual thing. We have many concerns over her parenting. One thing is that she has a new boyfriend and his daughter still sleeps in her bed (with the new boyfriend ) its wrong. She has health issues and is very skinny, she tells us her mum doesn't cook, she gets take out or has a sandwich for tea. Her house we know is cold and she is always ill in winter with coughs and chest infections. The problem wouldn't go away as she would still do it during the week and why should we have to give up the occasions child free day / night when she already has 3 nights a week every week where she can work her social life around her child.

ReanimatedSGB Mon 20-Nov-17 13:30:33

If the child is being cared for by a responsible person (eg grandparents) then there is nothing actually wrong. I'm not clear what you want - do you and your H want to apply for full custody of the DC? If so, are you worried that the mother will refuse? It sounds as though she might be happy to let you have custody.

Or are you looking for some way of forcing the mother to stop socialising, because mothers should devote themselves entirely to their children? If that's it, then you should know that you cannot do this and have no right to, because it's none of your business.

NukaColaGirl Mon 20-Nov-17 13:31:40

Oh diddums OP. There is a 6 year old being neglected you say, cold and hungry, but you don’t want her either? Poor kid.

Sarajandb Mon 20-Nov-17 13:32:25

Olivetappas - Sounds exactly the same. Its so frustrating he hates it but short of spending thousands in court what can we do. I would rather her live with us full time it would save running about to and from two diff schools in the week. She doesn't drive when we pick her up an drop her off its always somewhere other than home .. a pub or a social club or something. I don't understand how people can fob their kids off so easy. I would kill for my ex to have my kids the occasional Friday night even just so i could get the cleaning done in peace pmsl x

ArcheryAnnie Mon 20-Nov-17 13:32:28

If we have his daughter every weekend then we don't get a child free night at all.

Is this really a problem, though? Most parents don't get a child free night at all. If you did want a night out, you could hire a babysitter, or arrange a sleepover, like other parents do.

BrioAmio Mon 20-Nov-17 13:32:49

If we have his daughter every weekend then we don't get a child free night at all

What do you think the rest of us do?! You sound as bad as the mother!

Solasum Mon 20-Nov-17 13:33:37

Poor little girl. She isn’t being looked after properly by her mum. Therefore she should stay with her dad full time. Horrible for her to be passed around like an unwanted guest. Lots of people don’t ever get a childfree day. Please don’t let your natural resentment that her ‘real’ mother is able to opt out of parenting cloud what is best for her. She is still so young and needs stability.

Have you tried childcare.co.uk for babysitters?

Sarajandb Mon 20-Nov-17 13:34:40

NukaColaGirl - I never said she was been neglected ! or that we didn't want her ! We have her thurs- sunday week one tues - friday week 2 alternated ! short of having her full time which her mum wont agree to (which we would be more than happy to do ) as we could establih a routine and his mum would help.

SanFranBear Mon 20-Nov-17 13:34:54

Give your recent update on concerns - you are going to have to suck up not having a child free night or weekend (and let's face it, not many parents actually get these anyway!) and get a formal change to the contact set up. It doesn't sound like it would be challenged - is the existing arrangement court ordered or more informally done.

I couldn't in all conscience after knowing that my DD (or even DSD) was being subjected to that type of thing and then pack her off. Or make it clear that you'd rather her come to you than random babysitters so she is de facto living with you and has limited exposure.

I do think your DP needs to step up here

TrojansAreSmegheads Mon 20-Nov-17 13:34:54

bottom line is you cant make her do what you want so either the child not being passed from pillar to post is more important to you or your child free weekend is.

if you felt that the child was being harmed yet you didnt step in you would be as bad.

if it is ok but not what you prefer then butt out.

since you have no authority to stop her going out you need to decide whether it is important enough to give up your child free weekend.

it is either terrible and cant continue or it isnt.

in your partners hands really.

Serin Mon 20-Nov-17 13:35:23

POOR CHILD

Finola1step Mon 20-Nov-17 13:35:30

My dh and I have 2 dc and have them every night. It is quite straightforward.

Your dp needs to pull his finger out.

Sarajandb Mon 20-Nov-17 13:38:01

I think a few of you are missing the point. we are happy to have her full time we would prefer it. The mother wont agree.. if we had her full time it would be easier. and we would be able to get a baby sitter for the occasional free night but if he has her every weekend then that's his time with her and he wouldn't get a sitter so we dedicate every weekend without been able to get a sitter because her mother is a selfish person who doesn't want her kid how does that seem fair.

TsunamiOfShit Mon 20-Nov-17 13:38:52

I don't understand your OP. Does she have her child on the planned days or not?

If you think the child is getting neglected you need to stop contact with the mother.

Sarajandb Mon 20-Nov-17 13:40:06

I have two children also who we have every night ! they go to their dads 2-3 nights a month it wouldn't bother me if they didn't as they are primarily with me it wouldn't be an issue to get a sitter one occasional night. but when u have a child half the week you don't want a sitter do you as that is valuable time with them.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 20-Nov-17 13:42:13

I'd find it really had sending her back somewhere I was sure she wasn't being well looked after, especially at 6. Surely it would be better to have more, know where she is, that she's being fed and cared for, and DSD then visit her Mum, rather than live equally between two houses.

Has her Mum ever said she finds it difficult and would rather have her less? How long has this been going on for? Has it changed recently? And what does your partner want to do?

why should we have to give up the occasions child free day / night when she already has 3 nights a week every week where she can work her social life around her child

I'm not sure that's the point. When she's with her Dad he gets to decide who looks after her, when she's with her Mum, it's up to her. You're going to get flamed for expecting any childfree time as well.

I'd be more worried about my DSD and making sure she's okay, because you can't make her Mum want to spend time with her, but you could offer to have her for more of the week.

TsunamiOfShit Mon 20-Nov-17 13:42:14

I have two children also who we have every night ! they go to their dads 2-3 nights a month it wouldn't bother me if they didn't as they are primarily with me it wouldn't be an issue to get a sitter one occasional night. but when u have a child half the week you don't want a sitter do you as that is valuable time with them.

But you don't have her half the week, you said the mother never has her?

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