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Does anybody regret becoming a parent?

(156 Posts)
Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 15:05:54

Dare I ask this but does anybody regret becoming a parent and wish they'd never had kids? Obviously you love your DC and would never ever not want them but do you miss your old life? Are people without children happier than people with them?

Numbandspicy Wed 15-Nov-17 15:11:46

Yes. I think I do. At least I ask myself the question so often that I think I must, even if I never totally commit to admitting it to myself or anyone.
My life wasn't amazing (in recent years there was a huge child-sized gap)
My children are wonderful (as well as terribly hard work)....I love them. But I don't love being a mother. It's over 90% really hard/boring/challenging/worrying.
Hard to admit and I would hate anything to happen to my children, of course.

LuchiMangsho Wed 15-Nov-17 15:16:01

There are several threads on this here. I miss my pre DC life. My spontaneity. But no, not for a moment do I regret them.

butterfly56 Wed 15-Nov-17 15:16:45

Short answer...yep!

Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 15:32:30

Thanks, when does it get easier as I feel like I've lost my identity despite loving DS more than life itself.

Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 15:36:36

Thanks for your honest Numbandspicy I think a lot of women have similar feelings but are scared to share as people struggle to have kids etc etc but it doesn't means we don't love our kids just that it is a struggle sometimes and a total reality check when you've never had them before. I don't know I guess we're all different.

Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 15:36:45

honesty

UnbornMortificado Wed 15-Nov-17 15:40:22

Some stages are hard.

I miss being able to go out without it being a military operation. My baby DS is on home oxygen, not something we planned and means I'm going to be not working (DH works so we won't financially struggle) till he's off it, instead of the 6 months maternity I was planning.

Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 15:45:13

PP that's awful. Poor you here's me struggling with things and look how hard you have it flowers

Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 15:45:53

Does everyone agree that first year is the hardest? I just want some hope that things do get better.

Beetlebum1981 Wed 15-Nov-17 15:49:06

Regret’s probably a strong word but I do look back on the life we had before DD and feel a bit peeved! I went part time so our disposable income went down and we just don’t have the time (or money!) to do the spontaneous things like go away for a night or book a Michelin star restaurant. I also massively feel like I’m not me any more, I’m just a Mum. I get very little time to myself due to DH’s work hours and I’m pregnant with DC2 do it’s only going to get worse! That said, and like others have said, I love DD more than anything in the world. She can be a little bugger at times but she’s smart, funny and so loving. I just focus on a few years time when they’ll be more independent, I can go back to work FT and we’ll have more money to do fun stuff again!

UnbornMortificado Wed 15-Nov-17 15:51:34

Oh god no everyone struggles, it could be a lot worse and it's temporary it's just a PITA sometimes. I'm not doing baby top trumps, I was just explaining about the not being able to go back to work.

Even with my DD's who have no medical issues I struggled the first year. I have a few friends think similar.

YupMe Wed 15-Nov-17 15:52:40

I am going to be brutally honest, yes, I really wish that I had never had kids. Mine are grown up now but the constant worrying and putting them first never ends. I will stress and worry about them and love them until the day I die, but its been really hard, a very tough life and if I could go back in time, I would not have any children.

I envy childless couples, they dont know how lucky they are. If I hear of anyone getting pregnant or trying for a family, my heart just sinks for them, they dont know what they are letting themselves in for. I had a childless friend, I think she sometimes used to envy me my family but secretly I so envied her and her lifestyle, freedom and full life.

I had children when I was very young, too young, I wish that I had thought it through properly, once they are here, you cannot give them back! I do love them to bits though.

RidingMyBike Wed 15-Nov-17 15:53:24

Not regret as such, but I do sometimes wonder... It took a long time for us to have DD so I can remember the awful feeling of a future without a child in it, and I hated that idea. But it has been a struggle and a huge amount of work. It took me months to bond with DD (I love her to bits now!) and I was very unhappy on maternity leave. With hindsight I should have taken less than a year. I find now that my three days at work each week fly past and are interesting and stimulating, whereas my four days at home are a bit boring and frustrating.

I think it will improve though. I’m not an earth mother type (I came under huge pressure to attachment parent and it is so not my style but the pressure made me very unhappy) and I don’t find babies or toddlers very interesting. I am looking forward to doing the things with DD that I remember enjoying as a child - going to museums, countryside walks, baking, crafts etc, none of which are much fun at the moment with a toddler.

Possibly it makes a difference if you have support available? I see a lot of people really enjoying their small children, but then leaving them with grandparents for a weekend so they get some childfree time. We don’t have that option so there is no respite (other than a day’s annual leave! Nursery is the best invention ever! wink)

RidingMyBike Wed 15-Nov-17 15:58:43

Yes, first year was definitely the worst. The first four months were hell and I loathed every minute and thought I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. That was really miserable. Especially when people kept saying how fast they grow up (no they don’t, it felt like eternity!)

Then there were occasional moments when I thought things weren’t so bad or had been quite fun. It got easier once DD got mobile and could entertain herself a bit more. She is nearly two now and her second year has definitely been a lot better than her first.

Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 16:00:31

Beetlebum1981 Exactly it would be lovely to have some disposable income we are the same and scraping by but also I miss being able to just pick up and do things when please even just a meal and pictures. We have no child care at all and no support the same as most other people I guess.
YupMe thank you for your honesty, I also am findingmyself envying childless couples and similarly see pregnant woman complaining about tiredness and think is that your first uh oh you don't know the meaning of sleep deprived until baby here.
Help I don't want to feel like this!! I have good days and bad days. Today is a bad day.

Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 16:04:24

It's good to know it gets better as DS is only 8.5 months. I just feel like I'm in the house way more than I used to be and some days can be lonely and so quiet. Obviously
I get out when I can and socialise when I can but nobody prepares you for the quietness; long days.

Chosenbyyou Wed 15-Nov-17 16:12:50

I don't regret my first now, who is 3 - as soon as she could speak ( she spoke well and early) I really enjoy her company. I struggled all the first year with a difficult baby who I did regret to be honest.

Now I have my second - 7months. I do regret this one and am struggling at times but deep down I know I will be fine once he can move and talk! I'm not a baby person lol!

I miss my old life - I miss the amazing holidays, nights out, restaurants, being slim and always in the gym! Probably the main issue for me is that I am now not a very good friend - I can't keep up with them and I often have to say no to evening things. All the work socials and networking meals etc I also miss.

i am hoping things will get better when they are both older. I wouldn't change my life but I do sometimes refer to myself as a 'non person' as I don't feel I have any freedom and am just at the complete mercy of my 7 month old lol xx

Pennywhistle Wed 15-Nov-17 16:17:04

No I don’t regret having our D.C. at all and we are definitely far happier with them than without.

However, yes the early years when my twins were babies were extremely hard, physically, emotionally and financially.

Worth it though.

Hang on in there, it gets easier.

Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 16:22:02

Chosenbyyou Are you me? I could have written that word for word. Haven't seen my friends in ages because keep putting people off and I'm the worst friend in the entire world but finding everything such a hassle at the moment. Takes such an effort to entertain people and I can't be bothered so it's my own fault. They don't have kids and wanting to come over in evening to see me and DS but always late and I hate waiting around for people it knocks DS's schedule right off and then he gets fussy. DS gets tea bath and put to bed in evening and would freak out at people being in the house during his bedtime that's not me, DP or acouple close relatives, but they don't understand I don't think even though they pretend to. DS also can have melt downs for no reason at all and I never know when they will happen. He naps through day of just me but as soon as someone visits he will refuse to nap and scream place down....

DenPerry Wed 15-Nov-17 16:25:27

I don’t regret it but I do miss not having the responsibility and drudgery, I think most people would.

Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 16:27:03

Thanks Pennywhistle, DS slept well acouple of nights for first time ever and I was well chuffed on that front at least but no two days are the same. I find the hardest thing at moment is how fussy he is, if one thing changes and isn't to his schedule he gets really upset and I feel trapped by it to be honest. I also put a lot of pressure on myself to do everything right. Can't wait for him to be able to talk and tell me what he wants etc as I'm finding the baby stage really difficult and i feel utterly drained.

Ragwort Wed 15-Nov-17 16:29:04

If you think the baby years are hard wait for the teenage years ............ sad.

Bella8 Wed 15-Nov-17 16:29:11

I love DS to bits and would have him again as I've met him now so I couldn't put him
Back in a million years. I just wish I was enjoying being a mother of an 8.5 month old better than I am.

DDsSecondXmas Wed 15-Nov-17 16:29:38

Don't regret DD at all. I do wish her dad was a better man though.

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