Please can users give advice on a dispute between a husband and wife.

[Iofthetiger999]

Hello everyone. I am sorry if this has been posted in the wrong subforum and if so I would be happy if it is moved to the correct section by the mods

I have been married to my wife for 7 months and I have 2 children aged 9 and 7 from a previous marriage and my wife has no children. My wife obviously knew about this before we married.

My brother in law( wifes brother) is getting married in the summer and my wife has told me that her family have not told anyone in their community that their son in law has any children( Due to the stigma ). I should point out that we are both muslim families. She has therfore requested that for the upcoming wedding if I would be able to do the following:

1. Ensure my kids sit with their grandmother and do not sit with me at the head table.
   
2. Ensure the children have photos taken with grandparents and not with their father.
   
3. Ask the children to avoid calling me papa or holding my hands at the event.
   

Obviously these requests are to avoid people realising I have children which may embarress their family.

The husband thinks its an inappropriate request. The wife thinks its an appropriate request.

Please can you give your impartial advice on this matter.

Thanks

[Brakebackcyclebot]

My impartial advice? It is entirely inappropriate!

[Justbookedasummmerholiday]

Nobody should ever request you deny you have dc!!

[Sentimentallentil]

No.
I would never think it’s appropriate for a father to pretend that his children don’t belong to him. That’s like saying you’re ashamed of them.

The family is going to have to suck it up I’m afraid, if it had meant that much to her she should have married someone without children.

[LetsSplashMummy]

I think it is really inappropriate. However, if the children were likely to be treated as shameful when they were there, I would rather not take them than use them to force a point, if that makes sense. I wouldn't take them without first telling people they exist, it is not fair on them to be a scandalous announcement.

The request is terrible, your wife and her family are making your children pay for their cowardly-ness. You will also be expected to lie about them, I take it? If you were to start telling people that you have children now, do you think it would blow over before the wedding?

[NataliaOsipova]

The family is going to have to suck it up I’m afraid, if it had meant that much to her she should have married someone without children.

I'm afraid I agree with this....

[Ttbb]

I think the wife needs to pull her head out of her arse. If the people at the wedding will judge on that basis she really shouldn't be socialising with them.

[ParadiseCity]

Why would the children no one knows about be invited anyway? This makes no sense.

[thaikunyum]

I come from a Muslim background and while I can sort of understand the stigma you're talking about I don't think many people would really be bothered by the fact that you have children already.
If you were my father and in this situation i would expect you to stand up for me, be proud of your children not ashamed. Who care really if you were previously married and had kids? it's nobody else's business.
It seems your wife and in laws have a problem with it but that's because they're busy worried what others will think.
Don't pretend your children are not yours, they should come first to you.

[Bluntness100]

It’s not just inappropriate it’s wrong totally to ask someone to publicly deny their own children. The wife should be ashamed.

[Acrosstheuniverse123]

Absolutely disgraceful on her part. You shouldn't even consider complying with her requests. Sounds like she literally wants your children out of the picture! She doesn't sound very nice.

[Kraggle]

Surely your children were at your wedding so most of the extended family on your wife's side would have seen them already?

[PsychoPumpkin]

The husband needs to stand up for his children & make it clear that he’ll only be attending the wedding if his children are fully welcomed and acknowledged.

The wife needs to brush up on her step parenting skills and stop treating the children like a dirty little secret.

The family should be ashamed to have even made such a request.

[Ausparent]

OP how did you manage your children when you married your wife?

For me, your priority it to your children, not to the extended family of your wife. What sort of message does that send to them?

If the charade is so important then I would either not take the children or stay away yourself.

I personally would refuse to attend an event where my children were going to be treated in this way. It sets a dangerous precedent for the future. If you and your wife have children, are your older children going to be excluded from events where your joint children are included?

You are who you are and your history is what it is. I appreciate that for your wife it is difficult to feel that she is shaming or disappointing the family but it is only by standing up to challenges like this that cultures and religions move forward.

(Sorry for that last bit - I think I had a theme tune going in my head as I wrote)

[Katanna]

How ridiculous

[HerOtherHalf]

If someone told me my children were a stigma to them they would have no further part to play in my life.

[ZetaPuppis]

If you act like having children from a previous relationship is something that you are ashamed of, then that’s how it will be interpreted.
It’s a horrible way to treat your children.
Let everyone know that they are part of the family and your wife’s family accepts them. There should be no stigma.

[noidontdothat]

My father put my step mother before me in similar ways. As did my Mother with my step father. I’ll never forgive either of them and it’s affected our relationships.

[Ecureuil]

Did your children not come to your wedding? Surely most of the community are aware of their existence already?

[mindutopia]

It's a completely inappropriate request from her. If she was embarrassed that you have children and worried about her family's response, she shouldn't have married you. She needs to sit down with her family now and explain all of this and make sure it isn't a secret anymore so that it's all out in the open well before any future family events. Your children aren't something you should be ashamed of.

[iknowimcoming]

Got to love a situation where being previously married and having children is taboo yet being deceitful is perfectly acceptable haven’t you? Disgusting behaviour imo.

[blueskyinmarch]

That is absolutely terrible. Why would anyone be shamed of their children? How come people don’t know you have children? Surely they were part of your wedding? Why would they be going to this wedding?

[DaisysStew]

She wants you to publicly deny your children to avoid shaming her family? Disgusting behaviour and if someone ever even suggested this to me it'd be marriage over.

Her parents obviously knew about your children prior to the marriage, so what's the problem. I know a few muslims on their second marriages and I've never heard anything like this.

Your children shouldn't be made to feel ashamed just for existing. Please put your foot down and make it clear that your children are part of the whole package and your wife needs to accept this if she wants the marriage to continue. (Just an afterthought but how long do they want to carry on this charade for? Do they intend to spend the next 20 years pretending your children don't exist? It's very odd)

[ZetaPuppis]

In communities like that, the gossiping will be full on when the news does come out that you have children from a previous relationship. I doubt you’ll be able to hide it forever.
Much better for everyone involved, especially the children, for you all to be upfront about it.

[Bananamanfan]

The famoly need to know that you have children & your wife should help to put them at ease around her family.

[steppemum]

He should be able to be proud of his kids.
No way should he be expected to deny them in public. What a terrible thing to ask a child to endure.

But, it may be fine for them to sit with Grandma during the meal, if the wife is on the top table with her brother, there may not be room for kids as well.

I think the family have to just get over it. Like it or not, these kids are part of the famiy, and it is time they just accepted them. The wife needs to learn how to be a stepmother to them, is she in denial about their existence too? She has to find a new role, and that is not helped by pretending they don't exist to half the family.

If this situation is too difficult, maybe the kids could be at their mum's house for the wedding, and not attend. BUT I would only do that if it was clear that the family and community are told, and that the family accept the kids.