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Social services and new baby advice

(14 Posts)
some0advice0please Sat 11-Nov-17 22:59:47

Social services removed my DP's kids from their mum, and they are now living with us and their younger half-sibling.
They are only young (6 and 7) and are a bit distressed at the complete change (living in a different city and going to different schools etc). Though are happy to see us more often now (mother moved them away from us)
It's hard with all the emotional ups and downs, and not being able to explain to the kids how it got to this point, and why they can't live with their mum (or even be with her alone).

Ok so, the point of this thread...
We have found out that their mum is pregnant, she got pregnant after the kids were taken away, she won't tell us who the father is (whole other story there too)
She now wants to tell the kids she's pregnant, and I know 100% this is really going to upset the youngest as she is unsettled enough as it is - they had a pet at their mums and she keeps talking about it, saying she wants to live with mummy because she misses it.

Does anyone have any advice how to handle this situation?
How do you explain to a little girl that she can't live with her mummy, but this baby in her tummy might?

Ragusa Sat 11-Nov-17 23:04:42

Oh dear, that sounds very difficult.

Are you sure the baby will live with the kids' mum though?? SS highly unlikely to leave her be ifound previous 2 removedays and only able to have supervised contact.

Can you take the pet on? Might be a huge comfort to the DC although her longing for pet might just be displacement.

Ragusa Sat 11-Nov-17 23:05:10

Sorry for weird autocorrect.

Fairylea Sat 11-Nov-17 23:09:34

Highly unlikely ss will let a baby stay with a woman thy have just removed two young children from. Depending on circumstances I would be very tempted to ring ss yourself and discuss the situation with them. They may not be aware she is pregnant.

I agree re the pet as per previous poster- any chance you could take that in as well or get another pet, something else for the girls to focus on?

some0advice0please Sat 11-Nov-17 23:17:41

Thanks for the reply!

No, we're not sure what will be happening with the baby yet, but the mother is deluded and still thinks she's getting these two back and is acting like there isn't a chance her baby will be taken off her.

I'm worried that there is a chance that she could keep it - but also distressed at the thought of it being taken away blush ... to the kids, that's going to be their brother/sister, and they won't be able to live with him/her, they may never get to meet the baby and that kind of breaks my heart too. (I think I am way to emotional and soft - I did want to try for another baby with my partner but he now refuses because the eldest two have come to live with us sad )

She tries to fill the kids heads with nonsense about them all being a happy family again soon.

Taking the pet on isn't really an option for us as the mother would never give it up - but also, it's untrained and stank their house out.

acornfed Sun 12-Nov-17 13:02:46

V. Difficult

I second speaking to social services and see if they can advise. Presumably this new development and how it is handled falls under the ongoing "emotional wellbeing " of the kids. It sounds a bit like the younger one is in emotional turmoil (no wonder - it sounds all very sad.)
Do you have access to psychological support for them via SS or school?

acornfed Sun 12-Nov-17 13:08:41

There is quite a bit of research to show that separation from a maternal figure at an early age can have longer term impact on mental wellbeing as an adult. Taking the bigger view, this seems like a key time to support them psychologically through professional help to prevent such things.

I am a huge fan of early intervention to help children in difficult social circumstances to become happy adults.

The vocalising about the pet is more a symptom of something deeper I would imagine. I agree, taking a pet on is not the answer and will not make those feelings go away.

I imagine this is a lot for you to deal with, and I am making no assumptions that everyone can afford a psychologist , but the children do sound like they would be eligible through the state if the private route wasn't an option.

Peachesandcream15 Sun 12-Nov-17 13:34:34

Sorry, what are the current contact arrangements with mum? Are they supervised?
I would be asking SS for advice as well.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sun 12-Nov-17 14:13:38

Maybe Santa could bring a toy version of the pet?
Can't imagine Ss will let her keep the baby.

mumisnotmyname Sun 12-Nov-17 15:56:13

This is really hard, can you ask social services to organize supervised contact at a contact center if mum is giving them unrealistic ideas about the future? If that isn't possible get social services to talk to mum about the messages that she is giving the kids. If they are now staying with you permanently then just keep repeating that. Acknowledge it is sad that they have had to say goodbye the pet. Do you have any pets? Could you get something? Let them draw pictures, write letters etc to pet, you don't have to send them anywhere. If mum tells them about baby all you can say is that it is too early to know where baby will live and you will all have to wait and see.

picklemepopcorn Sun 12-Nov-17 16:49:48

Social services should definitely support you with this. Go to the fostering and adoption boards, they will have similar experience.

AdalindSchade Sun 12-Nov-17 16:52:44

Do your kids have a social worker still? Some specialist advice on how to talk to them would be really good.

whyIsARavenLikeAWritingDesk Sun 12-Nov-17 16:53:46

Don’t want to be a downer but PP that are saying SS won’t let her keep baby, a little boy I know very closely was taken from his mother as she was found to be a danger to him, supervised contact only and no other family members any where near! She’s just had a baby and social services aren’t even interested which in itself is very very worrying! No other help though I’m afraid!

AdalindSchade Sun 12-Nov-17 17:26:48

She’s just had a baby and social services aren’t even interested which in itself is very very worrying! No other help though I’m afraid!

They probably did 'want to know' but assessed that she was able to care for this baby. It does happen. I'm sure you weren't privy to all aspects of their assessment.

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