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I'm not coping at the moment

(7 Posts)
GinevraFanshawe Sat 11-Nov-17 09:24:10

I just need to type this out because I haven't got anyone to talk to at the moment IRL and it's going round and round in my head. I feel like an idiot because my problems are actually quite small, but I just can't seem to get a handle on things and it's making me feel awful.

My 5yo DS needs a bit of extra support at the moment, he's struggling a little bit socially at school, he's very tired and emotional after a long week at school, and he's playing up a bit, and I know, I KNOW that he just needs a bit of extra patience and kindness and love.

But we are all at our limit at the moment, so everything just descends into shouting and yelling. He deserves better.

The problem is that me and DH do not have much time (like almost all parents probably!) we juggle shifts to cut down on childcare costs so we only have 1 day off a week all together and he has to work from home in the evenings and so do I. This is a bit knackering, but doable usually, but his dad is in hospital at the moment and needs a lot of support from him - both physical care but crucially a lot of emotional support. So he is heading over there every evening that he can straight after work, getting home about 9.30pm (visiting hours finish at 8 but it's a long commute), eating his dinner, and then sitting down to do paperwork until midnight or after. He insists on still doing the washing up, but I am trying my best to keep all the other housework/admin stuff off his plate so that he can at least have one area of life where he isn't handling a massive responsibility.

Also, our youngest is a terrible sleeper. So we're all existing on not enough sleep (we are dealing with this and he is improving, but he's only 1 year old so it's a matter of persisting and waiting it out for the most part I think).

And I'm under added pressure at work at the moment too. And his work is extremely stressful right now. And I'm doing all the bedtimes single-handed most evenings, trying to cover all the housework, the innumerable admin-y things, and trying to be extra supportive to DH because he is going through the wringer with his dad emotionally, so he is just so worn out and at his limit, and I don't even get to chat to my husband in the evenings any more and it just makes me really sad. I've been staying up late while he works so that we are at least in the same room at the same time as if I went to bed when I was tired we'd only be face-to-face for about 20 minutes on an average day.

At least we get tomorrow as a family day, although we have to spend it getting new school shoes which tbh is often quite stressful and wearing. I just feel like crying all the time, everyone at work is dumping things on me, i've been overeating and my clothes are starting not to fit, I feel like I'm just under-achieving in every single aspect of my life. I don't have any time to exercise - I mean I suppose I could go for a run tomorrow, but the kids adore family day and will definitely play up if I go out, and that means leaving DH to deal with them and I just don't have the energy anyway.

And the littlest is getting me up for the day at 5am!

DH is having an evening off from visiting his dad next week, but his dad is so happy to see him, and tells all the staff about him and seems to be really depending on him emotionally that it just feels like he's letting him down if he doesn't go. We have no clue when he will be coming out of hospital by the way, he's only been in 2 weeks but it feels like forever, and although he's stopped getting worse he doesn't actually seem to be getting better, and he is very resistant to the idea of leaving hospital.

DH does have other family, but they are all leaning on him and looking to him for support at the moment too. I have family, but they aren't nearby and most of them work so they can't pop in for a short visit or come for a longer visit. I do talk to them on the phone sometimes but I just feel like I'm always whinging and going on about my problems, which on paper are pretty trivial - nobody is dying, we are not facing serious money problems (we're struggling a little bit, but our head is above water and we should be ok), nobody is addicted to anything.... I just feel like crying all the time.

I keep telling myself that I'm going to be really supportive to DH, that I'm going to be patient and kind with the kids, and then something minor happens and I find myself snapping at people and I don't even have the energy to be kind to myself.

Anyway, this has been very helpful to type it all out. If anyone has any tips on becoming a bottomless pool of kindness and patience and not getting in a huff and shouting at my son that if he wants a different pair of socks to wear he can go and get them himself but I'm not his sodding servant while he shrieks that yes I am, and he DOESN'T KNOW WHICH SOCKS HE WANTS, JUST THAT THESE ARE THE WRONG SOCKS that would be much appreciated.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 11-Nov-17 09:32:37

Sounds like you have a lot in your plate!

Do you have to work FT? Can you not reduce your hours even by a day?

You sound exhausted too

This is all only temporary things will get easier

Can you get a cleaner?

Can you just chill in family day - sloth in comfy clothes

Can your dh visit his dad one day on then one day off?

Respectfully he sounds like he’s people pleasing and it’s at the expense of his own family. If you are feeling the strain then I guess he is too.

You both work shifts? Can either of you change jobs?

TheDodgyEnd Sat 11-Nov-17 09:42:17

Hopefully you’ll start to feel better now you’ve written it all down and got everything bothering you out of your system.

I feel the same currently but my situation is slightly different, single mum, 2 SN kids ages 6 and 2, no help etc. I also feel like I’m underachieving at everything. I like to write everything down, not neatly or anything I just have a notebook where I can plan jobs, organise thoughts, rant etc. It really does help to not bottle everything up.

Work wise, can you refuse to take on the extra stuff being dumped on you? It sounds like people do it because they know you’ll say yes?

If you can afford a cleaner that sounds like it would help massively.

I hope FIL recovers soon and that will ease the burden somewhat.

Sorry I don’t have the best advice but I just hold on to the mantra that ‘this too shall pass’ a popular MN saying I believe!


amys14 Mon 13-Nov-17 02:36:04

I’ve not got any advice really but wanted you to know you’re not alone! I’m not in the same position but I’ve had lots of big life events flung at me recently not least my wonderful dad being diagnosed with a very rare and incurable blood cancer, us moving house (to a new town, too!), having a baby (9 weeks old, traumatic birth) and in top of all this my husband thought it would be a great time to apply for - and get - a new job which means he’s now working full time, enrolled at uni again and is studying for his masters alongside it. We are still sleeping “shifts” on the couch as newborn terrible sleeper and we have a 2yo too. Sorry just had to blurt that all out and get it off my chest! Hope your DH’s father recuperates soon and is home. And hoping things with 1yo improve and things get back to “normal” and are more manageable for you! You sound like you’re a great mum and you’ve had so much on your plate recently it’s a wonder you’re able to cope, but you ARE. And things will get better so keep posting here for support. X

tinymeteor Mon 13-Nov-17 14:42:58

This too shall pass...

You have a shit ton of stuff on your plate, both you and your DH. Sounds like you are coping admirably under the circumstances. Just keep on keeping on, it won't be this hard forever. And if there's a friend, or a kindly neighbour who can watch the kids watch CBeebies for an hour while you grab a nap, don't be shy to ask them for help. Sleep is everything

camac173 Mon 13-Nov-17 17:36:43

yeah all gets too much sometimes myself and other half and whole family actually worried sick my autistic son has has 3 seizures since june got mri scan found small aneurysm still waiting to hear from neursurgeons to tell us if they have to do something or nothing basically we have another apt for eeg lots of appts but no answers so frustrating any advice wd be appreciated

BellyBean Mon 13-Nov-17 18:18:24

Sounds so tough flowers. In the short term I'd focus on

Easy low prep meals, or a bit of batch cooking to get ahead, possibly a cleaner just short-term
Not visiting at least once or twice a week, he's stable and although appreciates the visit, if your DH gets ill he won't be able to go at all. Get your own oxygen mask on before others etc.
You have an early night a couple of times a week, even if it means you barely see DH, you need to keep well.

Tough with the children, they're probably picking up on the stress, hopefully it won't be for too long.

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