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Not sure where to turn

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deepbreaths2 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:27:04

I have NC for this.
I’m not good at writing things down but I thought it would help me to do so.

I have a 9 week old dc and a 5 yo dc. I feel I’m really letting my eldest down by not being there for her, in ways I feel I was before the youngest arrived. It makes me hideously sad and I find myself raising my voice at her and inside I just want to scream.
She is testing my patience in ways I am sure any five year old would, but it’s me, I just don’t have the patience to deal with it. She deliberately ‘pokes the bear’, tests the boundaries and pushes them over and over. I have thought about it and I think she is doing it for attention. I try so so hard to give her the attention she so much deserves.
She loves her little brother dearly. But she uses him to get my attention because it does. She pokes him or pulls him or shouts at him, all things she knows is naughty and I find it hard to be sympathetic to her when she does it, because he’s just so little. Both dh and I have explained to her many times and we never leave him unattended with her for obvious reasons, but she manages to do this and I just see red.
I feel I’m constantly telling her off. I hate myself every time I do, no matter how justified it may be at the time. It breaks me. I don’t want to be that person that just yells negativity at her all day - that’s just awful for her.
I nipped our to the shops yesterday for 30 mins and alone in the car I just screamed at the top of my voice. It didn’t help. But I feel this anger is bubbling inside and I’m about to explode.

I have periods of feeling fine. Right now I’m fine. I’m spending some quality time with the children and everyone is fine. But it just takes her to do something silly or naughty and I know it will flip the switch inside me, whether or not I act on it and yell, or take a deep breath and keep it locked inside. Having a newborn I am tired and I think that affects my tolerance.

I walk away from situations when I can. Sometimes I have a good cry because I’m suppressing this frustration. I can’t talk to my dh about it because he’s just being brilliant at helping out. I don’t want him to know I feel this way because I think I’m letting him down. I feel he’s holding us all together and I don’t want him to have the burden of feeling like he has to look after me too, I’ve always been so self sufficient so talking to him is not an option for me.

The purpose of this post is to get me to write this down somewhere. A therapy.
I need to keep positive. I need to be stronger. I need to pull myself together.

KatyN Sun 05-Nov-17 12:00:51

If it flipping hard work! Could your dh have the baby for an afternoon so you can regroup with the bigger one? (Although maybe give yourself an hour rest first).

Mine are 6 and 2 but time on my own with each of them is precious.

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