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Struggling with the idea they are growing up. Wise words needed

(14 Posts)
Ohffsmalcom Thu 02-Nov-17 23:24:03

My eldest is about to turn 14 and younger two not at all far behind
I’m getting myself in a funk that I only have about 6 years with them still at home and those years are likely to be spent with them desperate not to be around us!

I have just changed my job about a year ago to be able to be at home more and thinking now they won’t even need me to be.

Feel so sad.

I keep looking back and all I can remember is wasting their toddler years with me shouting and grumpy and I’m ashamed of how on the edge I was a lot of the time then and I can’t seem to remember the bits I did well.

I won’t be a clingy mum I promise and I’m keeping it to myself and wouldn’t dream of holding them back but this has hit me like a brick and I’m not sure what to do with all these new feelings.

Any words from the wise? Be kind I’m a bit fragile!

LineysRun Thu 02-Nov-17 23:33:20

I found that they did need me a lot as teenagers, but they showed it very differently. And their problems can be much more complicated, and you need to work with them not against them in creative but fair & firm ways.

And of course one or more DC may well want to live with you for a while as a young adult smile

theconstantinoplegardener Thu 02-Nov-17 23:35:48

I can understand that! Those toddler days are over in a flash and every year seems to pass more quickly than the last. But your children will benefit from your being around more even as teens - they just need you in different ways. And you've probably got a lot more than six years of them living at home. House prices, rent and paying back student loans mean that today, a lot of adult children don't properly leave home until their mid twenties or later.

BillywilliamV Thu 02-Nov-17 23:38:52

I could have written this. My DD are 14 and 12 and just done our last Halloween I expect. Was trying to remember when I changed my last nappy, when I last read to them, when they last had a bath together. Feel like I ought to remember those milestones but they do just slip away. Not much help I’m afraid, except you’re not alone, I think most of us feel the same. There are consolations: no more soft play areas, I don’t have to go and see the new Paddington film or go in the swimming pool with them and I can do my first Christmas in 8 years without sitting through an interminable nativity play.

BillywilliamV Thu 02-Nov-17 23:42:35

Incidentally, do you understand what I mean when I say you can feel nostalgic about the present? Be in the middle of some happy occasion and suddenly feel sad because one day it will be over and you will just be looking back on it. I think I’m getting old!

absoluteLee Thu 02-Nov-17 23:46:31

Oh op I know exactly how you feel. My dc are not quite as old as yours but I am definitely feeling that time is going by way too fast and they are growing up so quickly. It’s such a shame that in the early toddler years we are so tired and stressed which makes us grumpy and shouty. I’m sure your dc will always need you for something and be proud of how they are growing and becoming independent. smile I try not to think of the ‘last times’ as it gets me too upset.

purpleme12 Fri 03-Nov-17 08:43:37

Oh god I dead this

Ohffsmalcom Fri 03-Nov-17 09:04:26

I’m so glad I’m not alone as it makes me feel a teeny tiny bit less pathetic!

I think the fact the last few years with them at home may be spent watching them actively decline to spend time with me is the worst thought!

I wish I could go back in time and appreciate those little years more. I felt so cramped by the lack of personal space and now I’d long for another day of all the ‘mummmeeeee I want yoooooou’ calls from the toilet!

Carouselfish Fri 03-Nov-17 14:20:57

Billy Nostalgic about the present. Yes, totally get this. I do it way too much. It's so hard to live in the moment without having the past and the future simultaneously in your head.

pallasathena Sat 04-Nov-17 13:35:21

You go through the empty nest syndrome once they leave where you feel hollow inside, as if something is missing but it passes. You have to keep going, you can't let them see the pain you feel once they've left home.
And then one day, you're astonished that you're really, really enjoying having a tidy, peaceful house, time to yourself, time with DH, time out with family and friends without worrying about them...lazy holidays where you can just chill without having to organise everyone...slowly, you begin to find yourself again and realise that you have done your job. The kids are grown and launched into the world and they still like you enough to keep in touch... when they're not too busy that is!
And then, in just a few years ....grandchildren arrive. And you smile as you watch your own children go through the same....priceless!
You'll be fine. Its all part of life's rich tapestry.

VioletCharlotte Sat 04-Nov-17 13:52:27

I had these feelings myself a few years ago (mine are 18 and 16). I think it's completely natural to feel sad they're not little anymore, I never expected these childhood to go so quickly.

I do miss all the fun times, but it's easy to look back with rose tinted glasses- slot of the time, having small children isn't fun at all, it's a relentless slog!!

Teens do need you a lot more than you'd expect and your relationship with them changes. It's still fun and rewarding, just different. And I love the fact I have so much time to myself now and can really focus on my career and doing the things I want to do.

tireddotcom72 Sat 04-Nov-17 14:09:45

This could be me writing this I get really sad sometimes when I realise she is growing up. Then that ABBA song “slipping through my fingers” comes on radio and I will cry. Never thought I would miss the clingy toddler phase without even being able to wee in peace!

HamSandWitches Sat 04-Nov-17 14:12:32

This is happening to me now,seem to have went from little kids to non in the past year, 2 teens and a 9yr old. Only one went trick or treating, non of them want Xmas presents they just want money. I would normally have a big stash of presents by now building up and there is nothing there.

Ve noticed im getting broody but couldnt possibly have another one

Purplesky2 Sat 04-Nov-17 14:17:19

Oh yes I have this. Normal I think.

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