Parents won't let me go on holiday/live with my boyfriend...

[BellaMayXD]

Hey! I'm 20 years old, at university and have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. My parents are Chinese and old fashioned, but I've grown up in the UK. Since getting together with my boyfriend, my mum has always been constantly reminding me to not spend time with him and to never sleep with him until marriage. When I bring up going on holiday with him or moving in with him, my parents flip out, saying it's against their culture, and that other people will think less of me for sleeping with a guy before marriage.

They always have the last word, and I know they're not normal and I am an adult, but they will hear nothing else. Of course, they cannot physically stop me, but I would never hear the end of it, and I have no other family here in the UK or sibling to talk to if it doesn't end well.

Any ideas on what to do here?

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Difficult one. Presumably they had good reasons for moving here, and having done so this meant that you would grow up in the social environment here, which is obviously much more permissive. I guess you can either fall out with them, or pretend and essentially lie to them or gradually try and persuade them that although it's different from what they are used to that doesn't mean it is wrong. Personally as someone now in middle age I'd go for the third option as being the best as there's no reason to rush. At 20 I probably would have gone for the first or second...

[PinkHeart5914]

Your 20 they can’t really stop you doing anything, wether they like it or not you are an adult and you absolutely have a right to the life you want.

Your parents are old fashioned nothing you say or do is going to ever change that

You have 2 choices you either tell them and do it regardless and just take the fall out OR just lie and do it anyway

[rollingonariver]

Do what makes you happy. Your parents can’t rule your life forever.
Honestly it’s unlikely you’ll find a guy who will be happy to marry you before sex and living together for a bit anyway! I’d do what makes you happy, you’re going to have to go against them at some point or risk not living your life to the fullest

[NerrSnerr]

Are they funding your accommodation etc? If so personally I’d get some part time work (and work full time through the university holidays) and then they cannot control where you live if they’re not paying for it.

[BellaMayXD]

Hello again. Okay, my parents have told me if I ever go without their permission they would never talk to me again. Of course, I'm sure they're bluffing but that's not someone one can forget that easily....
I think here I'm more trying to prove I am a responsible adult and individual who can make my own decisions to my parents....
It's very hard, I've had this conversation with them for well over a year. :(

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Yes a year feels like a long time to you but it probably doesn't to them! You may be able to wear them down over the next few years so that they gradually see that not being married doesn't mean a relationship is a monogamous one, even if it doesn't last for long. Could you maybe go on holiday with another couple so your parents could just imagine you are sharing a room with a female friend while you are away?

[BellaMayXD]

Hey Slightlyperturbedowlagain! I've tried asking around, most of my friends don't have boyfriends or would prefer to go on holidays as a lone couple... It's very hard to find a group, especially at uni where everyone is busy all the time :/
I could try and wear them down, but because of their culture I doubt I would get very far... It's a tough one here, I don't know what could really change their minds

[MissEliza]

Your dps have told never to go out without your permission again? That’s just unacceptable. My dh is Muslim and from a Middle Eastern country. We have two boys and a girl. Even though I expect my dh to be much more difficult with dd, he accepts that you cannot put the same restrictions on dcs growing up here as in his home country. It will lead to a very tense relationship with the children. Also it’s very likely your children are going to lead a double life, doing things behind their parents’ back. If the family values are very different to the culture the child is growing up in, a middle ground needs to be found.
I know nothing about Chinese culture but your comments remind me of my dh’s culture. They make all the decisions for their adult children sometimes even after marriage. I don’t understand wanting your children to be mindless idiots who can’t manage their own lives. My BIL relies a lot on his dps. My dh is different because he studied abroad and learned to be independent. My pils resented it for a long time but there’s no way he could have been as successful as he is in life without the confidence you get from being independent. My advice is be true to yourself. What do you think is the right thing for you?

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Good point MissEliza I guess Bella you may just have to quietly show them that being yourself doesn't mean you reject them, just some of their values- is there some support you could find through your student union? A lot of universities have counselling services too which may help you talk it through. It might be wise to make sure you are financially independent first though, just in case, and then you can hope they are bluffing. I hope it works out for you