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How do parents paint a smile & pretend it's all fine??

(21 Posts)
Mamabear3017 Sun 29-Oct-17 18:55:35

I can't cope with the pressures and responsibilities of parenting.

The constant daily slog of crying, nappies, feeds, changing.

I became a mum because I was meant to have help from the father (that didn't happen), I've now got the job of me & him.

I can't pretend it's easy, I love it & smile everyday.

I actually hate it.

I hate being around kids even more after having a child of my own & putting myself into the world of parenting.

Antenatal depression?? No
Regret?? Yes

Do I hate myself?? Everyday

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic Sun 29-Oct-17 20:31:34

How old is your LO Mamma? Could you be in the early first few weeks by any chance? smile

Mamabear3017 Sun 29-Oct-17 20:56:49

He's just turned 7 months but I feel like it was at the start.

Everyone said it would get easier, it's not.

Hassled Sun 29-Oct-17 21:03:23

Do you mean post-natal depression? Why are you sure you don't have it? I do think it's worth a chat to your GP or Health Visitor.

And it does get easier - it really does. The first year is overwhelming and relentless and exhausting - and I'm saying that as someone who had hands-on partners helping me. Without their help I'd have been beside myself - so don't under-estimate what you're achieving just by getting through a day. It's bloody hard. But if you're struggling to find any pleasure in life then you probably do need some help - please talk to someone. Make an appointment tomorrow.

mrsRosaPimento Sun 29-Oct-17 21:04:50

They do get past this gruelling stage. Ds1 screamed all the time for the first three months. It was awful. I hated it. The vomiting too...
Stick with it, not just because you have to. They grow up into children that are much more fun. Also the responsibility of it not being all about me is a shock. I can remember crying because 2:00am was coming home after a night out, not waking up for another round of being vomited on and feeding.
Maybe see if it is depression?

furryelephant Sun 29-Oct-17 21:10:44

I know how you feel flowers
It is relentless and at this stage feels like it’s all give, give, give. But soon our little ones will grow into big ones, and become more receptive and be able to amuse themselves for a little while for us to just sit for a bit!
I get no help from my DC father either and definitely found up to 8-9 months the most difficult. As she’s getting closer to 1 they do turn into more people like things, rather than a baby that is just... a baby.
Is there anyone who could look after DC regularly for you to have some me time?

Mamabear3017 Mon 30-Oct-17 02:52:38

See, I don't even know what I'm typing.

My spelling, grammar & just about everything else has gone to shit.

I despise waking up every morning.

Course it's depression, it's depression in the shape of a 7 month old.

It's been 7 months & I haven't once sat there & thought "this is why I do it, this is what I became a mother for".

He goes to a nursery 10 hours a week but it only helps me catch up on things he won't let me do.

Sleep isn't one of them, I can't consider catching up on sleep when I've so much washing up to do,'s just never ending.

Then I get asked "oh 10 hours a week?? You going to do some work on this days??"

Oh yeah! That's an idea! Get woken up every hour for 15-20 minutes, listening to him cry all the fucking time & then get up and go to work for the 5 hours I'm childfree!

All I ever get is "but you are doing so well", like I can take full nights sleep & happiness out of a sentence that someone thinks is helpful.

I sound like I'm ungrateful.....I'm not, I'm just tired.

He wakes me up all night then hardly sleeps during the day.

I'm seconds away from packing my stuff & leaving

ChaircatMiaow Mon 30-Oct-17 03:04:29

OP you sound totally driven to the brink with sleep deprivation. I’ve been there and can understand how it’s used as a torture method.

DD1 didn’t sleep at all either until 7months and I still believe the sleep deprivation was a massive trigger for my PND.

I’m in Australia so I don’t know if this is available where you are, but what saved us was going to a residential sleep school for 4 nights where they sorted out our routine and used controlled crying toget her seeping more than one sleep cycle (judgers can fuck off to the far side of fuck). Is there anything similar near you?

In the mean time keep putting one foot in front of the other. It DOES get better flowers

pumkinpatch12 Mon 30-Oct-17 03:08:29

Please don't give up! I know exactly how you're feeling. I have a little girl of almost two and the situation with her father is almost the same as what you've described. People aren't just saying it gets easier- it really really does! I swear my daughter didn't sleep for months after she was born, I went through feeling exactly the same as you did- and nope I don't think I had postnatal depression either, just a major shock to the system probably. Please don't feel guilty it's not always talked about but I can guarantee most mothers will have gone through this feeling. There was a point I regretted having my daughter too but now, she's the most amazing, funny little character and I wouldn't change being a mum for the world I'm sure you'll feel this too pretty soon. Nobody every said it was easy, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do but also the most rewarding. Private message me if you'd like to chat furtherflowers

CactusJelly00 Mon 30-Oct-17 03:10:58

Op I felt the exact same as you and it really wasn't helpful when someone would come along and say oh it sounds like PND.
I wasn't depressed I was frustrated with the way my child was and I felt guilty for not being a "love sticking to your child like superglue and knit your own yogurt" kind of mum. Because that's what everybody expected me to be.
I loved my baby but I did not like him.
Not until he was about 13-14 months and he stopped needing me so much. As his personality has gone from strength to strength and he's becoming a little person rather than a screaming sack of poop and washing it's been better and better. He's 2 now and I love (and like!) him dearly.
It's ok to enjoy your baby and it's ok not to.

HashtagTired Mon 30-Oct-17 03:34:06

Talk to your GP/HV.

mrsRosaPimento Mon 30-Oct-17 10:56:10

Is he on solids? Could he be waking up in the night because he’s hungry?

MrsBriteSide Mon 30-Oct-17 11:14:02

You sound exhausted. I really feel for you! My DD is 6 months so I'm also still in the throes of the repetition of feeding, changing, putting her down for naps and of course the endless laundry.

I'm sure you would feel better if you got your head down when baby is at nursery. Sleep makes everything better! I used to forge ahead and get chores down when baby was napping until I became a weeping mess. It just has to wait. Sleep is number one priority for you. And your partner needs to step up of course. But please just get in your bed, throw the duvet over your head and close your eyes whenever you get the opportunity. flowers

Mamabear3017 Mon 30-Oct-17 11:40:21

He has 25oz of milk a day plus he has breakfast, lunch & dinner.

HV said he's having enough to keep him going through the night. Said to give him water, he drank 14oz the first night, 20oz the second night. The 3rd, I gave him milk because he wouldn't settle, he screamed, so I gave him water, he chugged it down.

He actually doesn't want milk anymore. But isn't getting bored of the water any time soon.

He's been at nursery for 2.5 hours, I decided he's going in his own room from tonight. I've just spent the entire time cleaning & tidying.

It had to be done especially as I needed to switch the rooms round & wash up his bottles.

Unfortunately I don't have DP, his DF isn't around & never has been.

chloechloe Mon 30-Oct-17 15:10:36

You're doing an amazing job managing all on your own. Long term sleep deprivation is truly horrific. I know it's hard to relax when you have chores piling up all over the place. But please please please take one of the days he is at nursery to catch up on some sleep. Even if it's just for an hour or two. That's the most important thing, the dishes can wait.

QueenAmongstMen Mon 30-Oct-17 15:14:50

Oh Op sad I've been where you are and it's really shit.

If you can afford £90 I would highly recommend you contact Nicola from Child Sleep Solutions - she has a Facebook Page. I used her when my son was 9 months because life was unbearable because of his sleep. She was absolutely amazing and within a week all my problems were over and I could start enjoying my son and my life again.

Mamabear3017 Mon 30-Oct-17 15:29:48

I can't afford £90 but il happily forego a months food if it means getting sleep.

I could do with losing weight anyway!

Thank you so much for all your advice everyone.

I'm sorry I've been a whingey bitch, I just had no where else to turn

LuchiMangsho Mon 30-Oct-17 15:32:58

Ok, look I have had two babies. One was a clingy non sleeper. And one was/is a cheerful independent thing that generally sleeps well. The difference in my mental health is enormous. The clingy non sleeper is now a bright kind sweet five year old who goes to bed independently and sleeps beautifully through the night and has done since 18 months.
There is a reason they use sleep deprivation as torture.

Adarajames Mon 30-Oct-17 15:33:07

Is there a surestart or family centre left near you? You can approach them for help. If you say roughly where your are, maybe posters can help you locate / offer some local help?

Pennywhistle Mon 30-Oct-17 15:34:42

Mamma you aren’t being a bitch. The early days are hard.

Honestly it will get better.

Do you have a family member or a friend who could help for a night a week and let you get some sleep?

pallasathena Mon 30-Oct-17 20:01:40

Its so, so hard when you're feeling wrung out and what makes it even worse, is that babies pick up on how fed up the primary care giver feels. You feel stressed? they pick up on it. Tired? oh yes...
One thing that used to work for me many years ago now, was to consciously, determinedly relax. I used to make myself have fun with baby: playing, smiling, cuddling, reading to them, taking them out for long walks and basically, faking it until I did eventually make it through sending out consistently positive, loving and happy feelings to my baby to make them feel safe, cared for and loved.
It did work OP.
Like you, I was on my own with no-one to turn to.
Your baby is your future OP and you are his. That's very, very special and though its hard at the moment, this too will pass and you have so many precious years and times together to look forward to. Be kind to yourself.

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