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(19 Posts)
user12345678910 Thu 19-Oct-17 16:47:38

I've basically been a single mum for what feels like forever. Ex visits once a week to see our DS and hes lovely with him. But when I ask him if I can have a couple of hours to myself and if he could watch DC longer and he starts talking about how it's his only day off and he has stuff to do. I'm so angry how can he be this selfish. I have not had a day off since our DC were born (under 1). He tells me to stop complaining "because parenting is not hard" yet he's never been in my shoes.


Holliewantstobehot Thu 19-Oct-17 16:53:09

One foot in front of the other and a good cry. Allow yourself an occasional pity party then move on.

He tells me to stop complaining "because parenting is not hard" yet he's never been in my shoes. Next time he says this say oh good I'm glad you find it so easy, he's all yours until 6pm'. If he won't step up theres not much you cash do but he sounds like an utter arse.

Lottie509 Thu 19-Oct-17 16:59:06

I was a single mum of two aged 2 and under No help at all from the ex, No help from family, When I look back I dont know how I did it but I did, It makes you into a much stronger and tolerant person, Im now married lifes completely different.
Take it day by day, Your little one will start getting bigger, Nursery and school will start then you will have a bit more time for yourself, Its hard when they are little, Things do change x

megletthesecond Thu 19-Oct-17 17:01:52

I've been doing it for nine years and just muddle along. I'm going to catch up on sleep and housework when they go to uni grin.

Evergreen777 Thu 19-Oct-17 17:04:20

Maybe time to start moving to contact not being in your home? I realise that's the easiest arrangement when DC is very small, but as they get older you can tell (not ask!) your ex that it's now time for him to start having contact at his home or taking DC out somewhere. It'll give them proper time to bond and him to really be a parent, and also give you a bit of time off.

Otherwise doing childcare swaps with other parents can be good. I used to have a regular sleepover swap with another single parent.

Lulabelle14 Thu 19-Oct-17 17:07:17

Three years here.. it’s hard and I think I’m slightly stricter than my friends as we have to be “on schedule” otherwise this pack of cards falls over! Deep breath, a good cry and not letting the little things bug me... sure that drawing on the wall will be a funny story some day! the one thing I take comfort in is that if it’s only me then I’ve no one to let us down.

NapQueen Thu 19-Oct-17 17:09:02

I think a good thing to work towards is him having ds at his own hpme rather than visiting.

Alternatively would you feel comfortable leaving him at yours with ds and going out? "Glad youve popped in, ive a few errands to run, ill be back in three hours" sort of thing

FoxyinherRoxy Thu 19-Oct-17 17:11:45

I no longer ask XH for any help.

I have a little as possible to do with him.

It takes away the frustration of being the only parent actually parenting. I don’t have him at the house. I have made it so he parents (After a fashion) independently. It means he has to actually think for himself rather than relying on me to provide. It also means I don’t give him the power to say no to me. He enjoys saying no.

It works a treat.

Namechanger2015 Thu 19-Oct-17 17:14:26

the one thing I take comfort in is that if it’s only me then I’ve no one to let us down

^I subscribe to this school of though. No expectations, it's far more stressful to have dribs and drabs of conditional help rather than none at all. Much less stressful to assume zero support. It will get easier as your little one gets bigger and you have your own routine going.

feelingdizzy Thu 19-Oct-17 17:14:36

13 years and 2 kids here .It does get easier take whatever break you can. Be kind to yourself,acknowledge its hard,try not to compare you to others with partners. Some days just remember to breathe and laugh even if its at yourself.

AlexsMum89 Thu 19-Oct-17 17:17:56

The way your ex is makes me feel quite violent, having an awful ex husband myself. He needs to have his own parental time, stop letting him visit at your house. Don't ask him, tell him he's picking DC up for xxx number of hours.

Definitely don't say anything about what you want to do, he has nothing to do with your life. All he needs to know is that xx to xx is his time with dc, he needs have that time (without you) and you will be home to receive dc at xx time.

Aside from this, if you can, enlist the help of friends/family sometimes. My dad was a godsend when I was a single mum.

Hugs to you

NameChanger22 Thu 19-Oct-17 17:21:31

I've been a single mum for over 10 years and I'm still waiting for my day off.

It gets much easier as they get older and you gradually get more time to yourself as they don't need you as much anymore and can do most things for themselves.

I learnt to completely distance myself emotionally from the ex. Nothing I was ever going to say or do would make him not a shit dad or person. I'm just really grateful that I didn't have to live with him for long.

BertieBotts Thu 19-Oct-17 17:33:19

Don't rely on the ex for childcare. Especially never ask them for childcare because they just love to make you feel like you're reliant on them and they are letting you down. hmm

So you need to take control back and detach.

First stop asking him - anything. Let him know that from next week contact will no longer be at your house. He can take DS anywhere you like but he can't come in any more.

If he throws a tantrum and refuses to take DS out then say "Okay, your loss!" and ignore him. (At least DS is young enough that he won't notice whether his dad turns up or not.) Repeat until you've found out whether he's likely to start taking DS out or just avoid contact all together.

Next - figure out a long term plan for your sanity. Are you working at the moment? Is that something you'd like to do in the future?

user12345678910 Thu 19-Oct-17 18:31:54

Thank you for your replies. I really need to take some control back and I hate contact being at my house. I really need to change it but He's full of excuses!! He's good at making me feel dependant on him when it comes to asking for help with childcare. Just gonna breathe and take it one day at a time. The more I think about how useless he is the more I hate him.

Holliewantstobehot Thu 19-Oct-17 18:41:23

DS has been refusing to go to his dads on and off for three years. More on than off! At first I really struggled but accepting that he wasn't going to go did help. The disappointment of it not happening is worse than knowing its not going to happen at all.
Is he good at going to bed? If you can look forward to evening time that helps. I also took them out a lot when they were little. Even just to the children's centre. We were very routine bound which helped the day go by when I was tired.

FoxyinherRoxy Thu 19-Oct-17 20:48:29

user set your boundaries. He really shouldn’t be in your home if you don’t want him there.

AlexsMum89 Fri 20-Oct-17 15:57:41

Please do stop him coming into your home if you don't like it. He has absolutely no right to do that.

My exh firmly believes he is the victim in all aspects of his life. When he first left, he complained to me that he could not take DS anywhere as he a) had walked out on us to go and live in a caravan with the OW that was not safe, b) would not tell me where he was living and I was unwilling for DS to go somewhere completely unknown, and c) apparently had no money so couldn't afford to take him anywhere.

I had to work, so I was very kind and gave him my house keys 1 day a week so he could have DS at my house. I was trying to do the right thing for DS, but it was so stupid. Eventually he started snooping in all my private things, hacked into my laptop and facebook accounts etc and caused trouble. I permanently shut him out of my home then.

He still tried to just walk in when I opened the door for drop off/pick up and by that point I rather enjoyed refusing him entry, since he had abused my trust and kindness so badly. Victim no.1 of course gave a confused look about why I wasn't letting him walk past me.

He's still useless, still a victim, but none of it is my problem any more and I urge you not to let it be your problem either.

FatRedCrayon Fri 20-Oct-17 15:59:27

You are doing an incredible job. I am not a single mum, I have DH (though no other family/friends support) and it's hard. So you have my intense admiration and massive sympathy for the tough days and the times you need a break and can't. I wish we lived in more of a community and could support each other more. The nuclear family has been the downfall of the 'takes a village to raise a child' philosophy.

Sorry - no advice just kudos.

Topsy44 Sat 21-Oct-17 10:56:13

I have been a lone parent for 3 years. Different circumstances as my DH died. I have very limited help and it is blinkin' tough. Most of the time I am completely shattered and I do get angry at some people's lack of understanding on how tough it is to do it all on your own.

The things that work for me are accept every single piece of help offered from friends or family that you get. I still find this quite hard as I'm not good at accepting help but what I remind myself is that nothing in this life is permanent. It may be your friends and family in a few years' time that need your help and the situation will be reversed.

Remind yourself that as they get older it will get easier. They will get more independent and be round at friend's houses etc. so you will have more time to yourself.

Don't rely on your ex for help. He sounds like an idiot. I think you will waste a lot of your energy getting cross at him. I think it's better to accept that he''s not going to help in the way that he should and try and find friends or family that will pitch in instead.

I know how tough it is, you have my sympathy and everyone of us that is a single parent is truly amazing!

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