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Husband books night away with mates without discussing with me....

(10 Posts)
momtobe1 Wed 18-Oct-17 22:47:34

Part parenting and part marital advice...I just wanted to know how you would feel if your husband booked a hotel for a night away for a uni xmas reunion without discussing with you first. My husband gets together with his uni friends every year in December. I went on to to look for hotels for our holiday together and saw his trip booked (the computer was logged in as him). He never discussed with me first. Would you be upset about this or am I being over sensitive/unreasonable. We have a 4 month old now and I don't even care that he wants to go away for the night it's that he didn't discuss it with me at all first.

newmachar Thu 19-Oct-17 06:13:57

I agree, that’s weird and can see why you’d be bothered by it. Perhaps he genuinely thought you wouldn’t care as he does it every year?

shouldwestayorshouldwego Thu 19-Oct-17 06:20:54

I think it depends on whether he had mentioned the date for this year or not. If he had then the fact that he goes every year and you haven't asked him not to go (i.e. you knew when he was going) means that the actual room booking wouldn't bother me.

If he hadn't discussed it at all this year and just assumed that you would be free and taking sole charge of the baby I would be annoyed and would be planning my own get away with friends in the spring (in fact you should do that anyway).

Bruceishavingfish Thu 19-Oct-17 06:22:43

If its an every thing, i can see why he might not mentioned it. It happens every year so not like its unexpected.

Honestly it would not bother me. But with a new baby, tiredness etc it might have. But then i would let it go.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 19-Oct-17 06:28:43

I do think it’s different when you are parents. Because it makes you feel that you are the default parent. Clearly both of you couldn’t book a night away so someone has to check. If he books without talking to you, that someone is you. Literally left holding the baby.

It’s polite to check if the other person is good to look after the child before you assume they will be.

HashtagTired Thu 19-Oct-17 06:36:11

I agree with MrsTP.
It’s about courtesy when you are parents. Even if it’s going out in the evening, it’s polite to ask. For example if I wanted to go out I would check dh was ok to look after the children. I would expect him to do the same. We are not seeking the others permission to go out, but merely checking the childcare situation.

Dh used to go out all the time in the evenings when our eldest (now 5) was younger, and he’d just tell me as he’d walk in the door. I just lost it one eve 🙈 (I was tired) and felt taken for granted. What if I wanted to go out?

It’s s courtesy thing. Mutual respect.

mindutopia Thu 19-Oct-17 10:35:16

Yes, it's disrespectful. I'm assuming this is your first. If so, it does take awhile sometimes to figure out how things are different now that you have a child together. One of the things that's different is that you have to talk to each other first before you plan time away or nights out to make sure the other is available and also comfortable doing all the parenting during that time. It can be a shock when you've been used to doing whatever you wanted before without having to check with anyone. But yes, it would upset me and I think you are justified in raising the issue with him and talking about how things need to be different in the future. It's always going to be an issue, at least until your kids are old enough to stay home on their own, so best to work out the kinks now. Our dd is 4 and we still have issues with this. My dh's friends are all child-free so they just plan stuff and expect him to agree to go along and he feels bad not being able to give them a definite answer, so he just says yes, and then the date rolls around months later, and we've already planned something for that day, but he didn't think to bring it up with me that he'd already said he'd be away that weekend. He's a people pleaser and hates to say no to anyone, so he just always says yes. And it drives me mad! Either we end up having to cancel our plans or he ends up cancelling last minute with his friends (and I'm sure now they all think I'm a controlling witch who never lets him leave the house, but the reality is, sometimes I/we have other plans that can't be cancelled and we have no help with childcare). So anyway, long story short, it will become an ongoing issue unless you really nip it in the bud now.

EvilDoctorBallerinaVampireDuck Thu 19-Oct-17 10:36:27

I wouldn't expect DH to discuss it with me, I'd expect him to tell me. hmm

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 19-Oct-17 15:04:04

What did he say about it OP?

gamerchick Thu 19-Oct-17 15:08:08

Oh dear he’s in for a shock if he thinks life just goes on the same as pre babies. It probably hasn’t even occurred to him that this year would be different to other years.

Or he has and has booked it anyway so you can’t object. Tell him it’s nice he’s taking the bairn with him. Gives you a chance for a nice break and see what he says.

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